How do I help someone with anxiety

[Molly123]

My husband has always been a happy fun person but recently he has been having sleep issues and now.anxiety....having a tightness of chest and difficulty breathing .... it come on him out of the blue for no reason. He also gets feelings of anxiousness on and off and it's really got him down. He is on medication but each time his body gets used to it ...seems to return again. He is always tired and just sad.... sometimes angry. It's so hard as I worry about him but try to stay positive but I miss my husband...I don't know who he is anymore and I'm terrified he.will never be the same. Help.

[Croix]

Dear Molly123~
Welcome to the Forum. There are an awful lot of people here who are in the same situation as you. A worrying one, and not one where there is a guide book on what to do or expect. Having said that anxiety conditions can respond very well to treatment, bringing the husband you remember back.

I've had an anxiety condition, together with a couple of other illnesses for a very long time and my wife initially was at a loss as to what to do. In fact she tended to blame herself, something that was completely wrong. I’m happy to say I am a lot better than when it all started.

Your old husband is in there and the best way to get him back is to ensure he gets the best treatment for his condition, which is not just meds (that's how it is for me). In passing I'll mention that medications are a bit hit and miss. I trialed a large number of different ones until I was given one that did what is was supposed to. Took a while.

Additionally therapy with a psychiatrist or psychologist may be a good thing to do, I've experienced several.

Lifestyle is most important, trying to reduce anything that heightens anxiety (I can't listen to the news for example) together with regular exercise, and a nutritious balanced diet. Getting on top of sleep issues is difficult, bb has a list of what might help

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/sleeping-well

If you look at The Facts menu above you will find a lot of information and methods of dealing with anxiety.
Finally you husband (and you too) need to regularly have enjoyable activities to look forward to which take the mind away from the hassles of life. I use books, movies, exercise.

Now I've spent a lot of time talking about your husband. You need to firstly to ensure you are supported, and not too stressed so you become ill yourself. All the lifestyle matters I've listed will help you, as will not taking anger or impatience personally. Having boundaries and not letting his more extreme reactions affect you too much is something to aim for. Doing things with him, just being there at times is enough. If he knows he is loved and not being judged or offered possibly solutions you will have achieved your goal.

One thing I valued immensely was the sense of proportion my wife could give, letting me know if my thinking was overboard.

Do you have anyone to support you? Being able to talk frankly and share worries makes a big difference

Please come back and say how you are going

Croix

[mbos]

Hi Molly,

There will be a reason for the anxiety although he might not want to discuss it for various male reasons. Whilst he may not be willing to discuss it with you, don't take that as sign he doesn't love you. He's as worried as you are, hopefully that will help him realise he needs to talk to a counsellor. I really hope he does and if so he may want to go to alone for the first few visits. Not knowing you or your husband it's tricky to advise if you suggest counselling as he may get defensive, but then again he may jump at the chance to flush out whatever's going on. Hopefully it's the later.

[Molly123]

Wow thankyou! This is extremely helpful and encouraging. No I actually don' have any support and it has been causing me a great deal of stress which has really brought me down some days to the point that I felt like I had depression. Something I always thought would never happen to me. He told me the other day that I was the only thing in his life that helped him get through so that was lovely but it's also a huge burden to carry when I keep being positive for him but inside I just want to cry or sometimes I even want to tell him to get over it....but I never would I know he is suffering and it'.not his fault but it's so hard to understand. Thanks for your reply though it helps to know it will get better

[Croix]

Dear Molly123~

Yes it does get better, I was a very great mess and now I'm loved and loving in return and live a life with interest and accomplishment, something I would not have believed possible.

It is a burden for you, though I'm not sure you have to be positive all the time, as I said my wife gave me an outside critique of my thinking (not as formal as that) which helped me immensely to know if my reasoning was skewed by the illness. She was not always happy - of course - but I knew she would have patience with me and be on my side. Also forgive my bad temper and failure to do things.

So yes you may be a very big help to him to get though things. Later on he might return the favor. My wife spent 9 months in hospital before she passed away and I was able to be her strength for her. I'm very glad to have had the opportunity. (I re-married after and am very happy). I guess in a partnership we share our burdens as we can.

I'm very glad you are a sensitive person and did not say 'get over it'. Would make as much sense with diabetes. I would imagine you are not going to know how he feels, but in a way it is not necessary. Just the love and learning what works and what does not is enough.

I'm sorry you have no personal support. My wife had her mum and it did make a big difference to her.

Please pace yourself and do all you can to live a healthy and balanced lifestyle with exercise, it does help

You know you can talk here as much as you'd like, we care and understand.

Croix

[Molly123]

He is seeing a nutritionalist on Friday as he was recommended. He had high hopes.it would help but is now feeling like it will probably be a waste of time. I am hoping it will help him and after your.comments about healthy lifestyle I'm thinking it might really help.

We have had the most wonderful life together over the past 26 years and have been so happy it's just hit out of the blue and it has really thrown us both for a spin. I just hate seeing him like this and he desperately wants answers but isn' finding them yet. Thanks again for chatting it's given me some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Vdry sad to hear about your first wife and her long battle. It's wonderful you were able to support her through it.

[Croix]

Dear Molly~

Yes the illness is a huge and worrying disruption to life. It can be overcome though. Those 26 years will give you hope and strength. A lifetime of happiness, relying on each other and good habits to draw on.

When anxious and depressed everything seems like a waste of time. One is not in the correct frame of mind.to see anything as hopeful. This does not affect the fact that lifestyle is a solid foundation on which to improve the illness.

There is the buzzword 'holistic'. It is not that far off the mark, depression needs to be approached from many different sides, lifestyle being one. It may not make a marked difference by itself, but allows improvement to take place.

I guess it takes patience. It is easy for everyone to get discouraged as treatment and improvement take time. There is indeed light though, as I said I'm an example of a basically happy ending.

Wanting answers is not something that helped me even though I too sought them. There really were no answers other than 'misfortune happens' (I could have put that in different words:)

My first wife's death was a long time ago now, my life is very different. Looking back is sad but I'm good, and I agree, having that time to support her helped us both. The previous 25 happy years were a source of fuel for endurance (If that makes any sense).

Croix

[Molly123]

Nutritionalist apt was great. He came away so happy as the guy described how he was feeling to a T. He said it was so good to have someone under stand. He said he had higher than normal cortisol levels and they could treat that and come off the medication pretty soon. I haven' seen him so happy and his old self in months after the appointment as he had hope again. Sadly yesterday and today it' been back with a vengeace and none of the medication or the natural.stuff is helping. He couldn't sleep last night which made it worse. Going back to 1st tomorrow. He scares me as he was sobbing this afternoon saying he just can' go on like this. Hoping the Dr will look into it a bit closer tomorrow and not just up his medication. Thanks for your encouragement.

[Croix]

Dear Molly~

Things do come in waves. If the nutritionist was a bit of a help that is good in itself, though as I said it is not going to fix things by itself, just allow improvement to take place. Lack of sleep makes a big negative difference too.

You are seeing it from the outside, he is living it and from personal experience I can say it is horrible and frightening. After a good day is is doubly disappointing. The thing I had to remember is that things do improve, and it only takes a little change in the mind to make everything seem a fair bit better.

Working on sleep is needed, and if there are things your husband used to enjoy try them. When I was right down I still got a momen't relief from a favorite comedian on TV (Dave Allen). Getting out for a walk, out of the house, can be good too.

I've no magic fixes anymore than anyone else, but with patience things will turn around, I'm nothing special and they have for me.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi Molly

Im Paul and have anxiety since 1983. Croix has many years of life experience and has posted wisely above. I am sorry for the pain you and your husband are going through. I understand what your husband is going through with his anxiety. It brings back so many memories of trying to get better

Just so you know..... I was anti meds for 13 years and watching my career and personal life fall apart around me....and it was awful. Everyone's anxiety is different of course. My anxiety was effecting my moods and sleep for 13 years before I started a low dose of Anti-Depressants. I have been taking the same low dosage for 21 years now and they have given me my life back.

Now that I understand anxiety.....the meds are never a fix all. They do though provide us with a solid platform on which we can heal more effectively using frequent counseling and all the various coping techniques that are available to us.

The severity of anxiety does decrease over time with a combination of meds and super frequent therapy. It does take a strong desire & determination to heal

Your health is paramount even with all the TLC you have been providing to your husband. The reason for the anxiety is not an immediate issue...(a counselor will be able to ascertain the reasons with regular treatment) Treatment of the symptoms is important so your husband can regain the quality of life he has been used to

You have been doing so very well in your efforts to aid your husbands health and good on you Molly. The bulk of the recovery is up to your husband. There is only so much you can do except be there with your wonderful support

You are more than welcome to post back whenever you wish! There are many gentle folk that can be here for you

My kind thoughts

Paul