How do I breakup with my seemingly emotionally abusive partner?

[CoffeeCake24]

Hello there,

Just recently I met this guy and when we first started dating, like most relationships in the beginning, it was just amazing. He was everything I had wanted in a man. And I felt appreciated and wanted.

However, lately things have seem to deteriorate between us. He seems to put zero effort into our relationship. For instance, he lives quite far away from me and he doesn't drive me home anymore when I come to stay. And when I do catch public transportation home he doesn't even walk me to my train and make sure I get on my train, safely. He doesn't come to visit me anymore. We either meet in the city, at a mutual friend for him but families' house for me. Or even at his house. I feel very unloved, unappreciated and very much unwanted.

I feel like I am also being emotionally abused because when I speak up about my feelings and my concerns he gets very frustrated and angry with me. Knowing, perfectly well that I suffer enormously from anxiety I try to act brave and speak my concerns. I have tried wording things differently. And now I feel very nervous and frightened to tell him my concerns as usually he says that 'I hurt him when I need reassurance about our relationship.' or he tells me I am 'too sensitive' when he calls me a name, jokingly. And usually when I speak up about the issues that occur throughout our relationship he tells me that he 'isn't in the mood' to talk about it or he needs alone time and then he leaves me feeling very confused and upset. And he tells me sometimes issues I bring up 'are not fair on his behalf because he does a lot for me.'

Recently, I tried to break it off with him because I told him I felt within myself that I wasn't fully prepared nor ready to move in with him even though a week prior I thought the idea was wonderful and practical. I told him I needed to think about it and he told me that we didn't have long to think about it because he wanted to get the ball rolling as quickly as possibly. I was so stressed because he suddenly was making me feel horrible and worried about where he was going to live. I was panicking because he seem to be placing the blame on me. Saying things like 'oh you have really seem to of f*cked things up for me now.'

I feel scared to talk to him about my feelings and concerns because I don't like us having arguments. I know deep down this man isn't good for me and even others can see that by the way he treats me. How do I leave him?

[CoffeeCake24]

I also recognize that I have my own faults too. The thing is, I still really love and care about him so I am still very confused. I am actively trying to better myself and I know that I make mistakes too because I do overanalyze so many things in my life. I would never want to hurt him because I do care about him very much. However I am torn between two sides. Knowing his not good for me but he always tells me he can change.

[Ggrand]

Hello CoffeeCake24,

A warm welcome to our forums...

I am sorry to hear about the way your bf treats you..

Your bf is treating you disrespectfully...and very uncaring...and it’s really not acceptable to be treated in that way....You deserve so much better then him...

You said you only met him recently, and he treated you amazingly....now he has you where he wants to..his true self is showing itself..in small but very hurtful and disrespectful ways....

He says he will change...A very common statement to hold on to you..he won’t change..he can’t change..because you have now been with him long enough to see your bf true self....it will more then likely get worse...the more comfortable he get with you...Finding your weakness and preying on them..to make everything seem it’s your fault...

No one can tell you whether to stay or leave him...In my opinion, you sound like a beautiful caring person..and you deserve to have a bf who treats you with respect, care, love and thinks you are his world....not someone who doesn’t even make some the time to walk you to the train station...and know your safely on your way home....He seems to be putting his needs first...

Honestly in what I have read...You deserve so much better....my option only....I suffered at the hands of a narcissistic husband...for 38 years...who in the beginning of our relationship was amazing...I always believed that he would change...instead he got worse...They don’t change..because they are who they are...

Please be gentle and caring with yourself....

Here for you if you feel to talk....

My kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy..

[Lillylane]

Hi CoffeeCake24

You sound like a very considerate person who is open to discussing issues and working through problems. You deserve to be with someone with these same qualities.

You’ve mentioned knowing deep down this man isn’t good for you. You’ve been attached to him though so you may feel torn at this moment, but that will be temporary.

Emotional manipulation can be really tricky because it can leave you so confused. Some people are so good at playing with reality, twisting things to create doubt. Clarity goes out the window!

Remain strong and trust your instincts. His actions and what he says are his responsibility.

If you want to break up, how do you do it? You could tell him you’re not compatible. And be prepared for his reaction.

I’d make it quick, perhaps even line up a meal or chat with a trusted friend afterwards so you have someone ‘real’ to vent with afterwards and help you stay grounded.

Good luck!

Lillylane