Anxious to begin driving

[ashkey]

Hi there,

I'm sure by the title of this thread that it's obvious what I'm struggling with. I'm turning 30 this year and while I would love to get my licence finally its been really quite tough even getting in the car to drive. I know where my anxiety began and it's the reaction from my little sister and my dad both laughing and yelling as I started the car for my my first time when I was 16 and mum was teaching me. I know they didn't mean their reactions and I have mentioned this event to them both, trying not to pin blame because I know it wasn't deliberate, but my sister had the easy ride of getting her license and now has her opens, a new car and gets all the admiration. I know this makes me sound envious and yeah, I am, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have progressed over the years being able to talk about my anxiety with driving where I never was able to and I get closer everyday on wanting to book a lesson. My problem is is that I have to keep it a secret from my dad and sister because if they knew, I know they would be supportive but it would come across the wrong way and set me off. My mum has agreed to keep the secret when I start but I'm paranoid that if my Dad found out he would be hurt and then it will set me back as he has a tendency to make everything about him and thinks he has done something wrong and gets hurt. He doesn't understand that it's not personal but something I need to do.

So, after all that, my question is, has anyone dealt with this, is currently dealing with a similar situation or have any tips that got them to their first driving lesson with an instructor that made them feel comfortable. I guess I just want the answer more so on how to push past my dads feelings more so than the actual driving. I love my dad and have a great relationship with him but every conversation about driving he takes so personally and I can't deal with it. It doesn't make me better and he just won't understand. Any assistance with this is always appreciated. I just want to grow and have more freedom and learn. I know it will give me more strength in general.

Thankyou

[ecomama]

Hey ashkey

Welcome to the forums!

I've supported almost all of my children in getting their licenses, the younger ones aren't old enough yet.

And yes there were varying levels of confidence from so extremely confident I was AFRAID (and everyone else needed to be too!) lol to extremely anxious and we're still getting there.

You're 30yo.
I'll be straight up by saying it's really none of your dad's business all this stuff.
Sure you want to keep your close relationship but really... it's not about him, no matter what tanties he throws about it.

Once you DO get your license, you can just say "SURPRISE! I wanted to surprise you" and see how that goes.

For your first lesson, my suggestion is that you choose a gentle, softly spoken Instructor.
Then be very directive!
Assertive as to what you want in your lessons until you get used to it all.
Don't let anyone "boss you around", this could be triggering.

Choose an automatic car first off.

You can ask the Instructor to take you to a well lit, BIG, empty car park to drive around there first.

Maybe she can pick you up from work, take you to the car park. Help you know what to do first. Then let you have a go.

Have you driven Dodgem cars before?
Well it's ALMOST the same with an auto in an empty car park, just no one to bump into lol.

Basically you just need to know how to use the brakes, use the accelerator, use the blinkers, not much on your first lesson (I think you'll surprise yourself here at how much you CAN already do).

Then ask them to drive you to your friend's house OR to meet friends out for dinner or a Cafe or something.

This way you'll have something to LOOK FORWARD TO after your lesson.
This really helps.
Hopefully you can tell your friends all about the lesson and how well you did lol.

Then pop on here afterwards and we can tell you how AWESOME you are!

You're awesome.
Yes it's time.
And you'll feel SO PROUD of yourself once you achieve this!

GO YOU!
Love EM

[ashkey]

Hey Em,

Thankyou so much for your kind reply 😊

I have driven before and actually am a good driver...its just keeping on going is the problem. Getting out of my own head too. My ultimate goal is to get my licence and buy a brand new car. I have the money and everything ready to go, just feels like a pipe dream sometimes with the ways my mind sets me back, like we all know our minds are capable of doing. Haha.

I really love your advice on being assertive, my mum knows that I need exact instructions even if it's obvious, it sets my mind at ease. I know this is what I will need from an instructor so thankyou for the confidence on that! I honestly feel if I tell too many people then I just won't be able to do it, my mum is the only one I want knowing to begin with, the pressure can be triggering for me.

I know my Dad might feel hurt not being in on the loop, and maybe my sister too, but I don't think I can have them be a part of this accomplishment when they were part of the problem to begin with, albeit they might not have meant it.

Thankyou so much again for your advice, I was quite down about it when I first posted and things seem a little brighter now. I dont know when I'll be able to post and share I have started driving but I would love to share at some point! Hopefully I'll be posting soon!

Thankyou!
Ashkey

[Croix]

Dear Ashkey~

I'd have to say EM talks a lot of sense and I'm sure you will end up with oyur goal, the bit about ensuring the instructor gives you slow exact instructions at every stage is spot on. Not only do you not have to guess, but you do not start to pick up bad habits.

Now I know at your age it might seem to others it is nothing to do with your dad, well logically that is true I guess, but you do have to live with him and if he takes everything personally and even blames himself then I'd think you have to cast around for a way of preventing him doing that.

My first thought is to learn in secret and then simply say, when you had your license, that having the family knowing about it and even if they were cheering you on it raised a perception of expectations in your mind, leading you to be nervous and not perform as well.

Does that sort of make sense?

Croix