HOCD - confusing and scary

[ac1991]

So I've been suffering with OCD for years now, but it wasnt until a few months ago that it became a lot worse. At first I had no idea why I was having these intrusive thoughts or images (and at the time didnt even know that these "intrustive thoughts" were part of OCD and not just me going insane) - but knowing what I do now, it became all the more clear to me that intrusive thoughts are just another way of OCD trying to convince you you've lost/are going to lose control. I have experienced many different kinds, but one has stuck around - and doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It started when a friend was sitting with me one day, and made a joke about me being a lesbian because I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time and am not looking for one. I laughed it off, but it set something off and sent me back to square one, only this time with a different worry. My mind was telling me I was a lesbian. I have never been homophobic or had a problem with people of same sex orientation, and had never questioned my own sexuality either. I remember thinking that being attracted to the same sex emotionally just wasn't me. But all of a sudden, this thought would not stop circulating my head. I have always fantasised about finding the perfect guy and all those typical things, but now OCD has got me questioning even something so basic as this. Now I am too scared to be around friends of the same sex and am too scared to even consider the idea of being attracted to the same sex out of fear that I will like it more and stop being heterosexual. I am getting confused between feeling happy when I am around a female friend and feeling the sort of excitement you do when with a significant other - my mind cant even tell the difference anymore. Even on days when I know I am attracted to men, there is still a voice in my head telling me I'm not. Also, the fact that I don't want a relationship and feel nervous and uncomfortable around guys scares me and proves my anxiety more, even though I know it is normal to feel a little nervous and unrelaxed around the opposite sex. I check forums daily to try and convince myself that I am heterosexual, but they only make it worse and scare me more. It comforts me to know that this is a kind of OCD and not just me, and that there are people out there experiencing the same thing. But this is causing me to lose interest in any kind of relationship it scares me.

[geoff]

hello, can I say that I do love your comment, not for any other reason than I find it to be very interesting, as I have had OCD for 56 years, and know what you have said to us.
Intrusive thoughts have been heavily discussed on this site and you could google it and comments from many people will show from BB site, don't get me wrong because I also had terrible intrusive thoughts as well.
What they do is tease us, and by saying this I mean that they challenge what we would never ever want to do, no different than checking the locks 3, 4 or whatever number you need to count before you feel satisfied that they are locked, because when you don't do this then your mind keeps on teasing you that it has to be done, no different than intrusive thoughts.
Can I say that intrusive thoughts is something which we don't want and would never want to do, in other words they are false thoughts that try and confuse us, and with OCD this is what happens.
I have no doubt at all that you are having these awful thoughts, because mine was that I always wanted to hurt my Mum, who I dearly loved and would never do it, but as soon as she was put into a nursing home, they immediately stopped, thank goodness.
If I do start to have any thoughts I tell myself 'don't be stupid', however that may not be easy for you or other people, it's just I'm old and know that nothing would happen.
When I was a young kid I had such terrible thoughts that always made me anxious and some of my OCD habits/rituals were so troublesome, exhausting and inconvenienced me so much which I couldn't tell anybody, so to suffer in silence is what grounds you into a hole.
These thoughts of yours will tease you, try and destroy your basic normality, throw you from wall to wall and try to bring you down, but we have an illness, it's not our fault, and even if you realise this, it won't stop you or me from doing them, but remember intrusive thoughts DON'T happen, all they do is give you fear, but it's possible to dismiss that thought.
Hope to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

Sounds like those thoughts get a bit overwhelming. I can hear coming through that you have know yourself to be interested in the opposite sex, I think a few nerves only go to show you still are, I feel like that when I have attraction (and I choose to be single, and have been for 8 years). The advice on how to surf out the OCD thoughts and urges that follow I have read on the forums here seem worth a try. I wonder what has settled OCD for you in the past, even when OCD was about something else. Geoff has some good ideas there I think. 

Rob. 

[ac1991]

Thanks heaps to both of you, good advice is always helpful - and can reassure me for a while which is all I need. I am going to seek professional help at some point, this has encouraged me to do so.