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Help, my new boyfriend has anxiety
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It's always difficult to try and guess what's going on in someone's head, especially in a relationship, and in my experience that doesn't take you anywhere helpful. All that matters is the communications and actions between the two of you. A wise person once said to me, if you are having trouble working out someone's motivations, then have a look at their actions and see what you can infer from that.
Based on your post, you have been seeing someone for two months who likes to stay overnight and not much else. Attempts to find out more information about him have not seen him open up. What can you conclude? It appears that he does not want to spend time with you other than overnight stays, and is not willing to open up. Could there be reasons for this other than the one you fear, that he is just after a 'good time'? It's hard to know. But either way, the effect on you is not good, and you are not satisfied.
This is where communication comes in. You've done really well articulating your feelings and anxieties in your post, I wonder if you have said any of these things to him?
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Thanks JessF,
Yes that's true, I guess I'm sick of trying so hard and end up being hurt, and maybe I'm trying to rush things, I also suffer depression and my self esteem gets in the way. His last relationship ended after 5yrs after she apparently cheated on him, I might also add that he was sexually abused as a young child but says he's healed from that. I guess the decision I have to make is am I willing to wait it out and hopefully not get hurt again and how long could I do it for. My thoughts are he'd have to offer a little more time then he is currently giving me at the moment for me to be able to cope. I take his actions personally and it's making me feel like I'm not good enough. Maybe there's my answer...
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Hi familygirl,
Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I am sorry to hear about your situation and you might be a bit too hard on yourself. JessF has made some really good points also.
I think it would be a good idea to talk to him if you feel comfortable enough and tell him about your concerns. Maybe because of his mental health condition he could be hesitant or fearful of commitment because he has some insecurities of his own? I just think it is really important for you guys to talk and be honest with each other about what you both want from the relationship and establish this early so that you both are on the same page. The way I feel about it is you give your all so your partner should too you know. If you feel that this isn't the case then maybe re-evaluate your situation.
Also, maybe its worth noting that what your boyfriend went through as a child might still be effecting him. I was in denial for a while about my problems and with men often we don't like admitting things or showing weakness/vulnerability. If he has commitment issues because of things that have happened in the past I think bringing that up with him and discussing possible options moving forward is important particularly in the early stages of your relationship.
You seem to be giving your all so it's only fair you receive that in return.
Keep us posted. I look forward to your replies.
Hope this helped and all the best.
Baet123
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Thank you JessF
I have decided to talk to him and see if we can come to some sort of arrangement where I can get to know him better and hopefully understand his anxiety and I think your suggestion of doing an activity together is good rather than just coming to my house. I know I have issues and I'm trying my best to overcome these and help him with his. Hopefully I don't get hurt again
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Thank you Baet123
It's a hard situation, I have trust issues and I am dealing with someone who suffers anxiety, lives with a married couple and has been coming over one night a week after work and leaves for work early the next morning. I thought after 2 months it would have progressed by now. I'm trying so hard to be supportive but then my trust issues kick in and I think I'm being used again. I wish I could understand what's going on in his head and see this loyal caring man that he says he is, but it's hard when you don't spend much time together. I'm going to have a talk with him and see if we can work out a way we can spend more time together without him feeling overwhelmed and me feeling used
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Hi familygirl,
I think you are super supportive and we all have our issues so don't be too hard on yourself. Like you mentioned above in your reply I think talking with him and seeing if you can work it out and spend quality time together and progress your relationship would be a great way to progress and take it from there.
Anything in life worth doing doesn't come easy and takes time. Relationships are very much the same.
Keep us updated.
All the best,
Baet123