Help, my new boyfriend has anxiety

[familygirl]

I am trying to understand what is going on with my boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for just over 2mths and still haven't spent a full day together. He tells me he suffers from anxiety and has been seeing a psych and is on medication. He has been under a lot of stress at work as well and working long hours and is always tired. He tells me he loves me and that I mean the world to him, but he won't spend any longer then a overnight stay and he's off first thing in the morning. It seems he always has an excuse. I don't understand how someone who says they love you doesn't want to spend any time with you. I have been hurt a lot in the past by previous partners just wanting a good time and I'm wondering if he's just another one or whether he is genuine. I just don't understand how he could not want to spend time together if he really did had feelings for me. It doesn't help that I have trust issues either I guess. If anyone can help me understand where he is coming from that would be great. All he has told me is that he feels like I would think he is a boring person, I've asked him about his anxiety but he has avoided the topic.

[JessF]

Hello familygirl,

It's always difficult to try and guess what's going on in someone's head, especially in a relationship, and in my experience that doesn't take you anywhere helpful. All that matters is the communications and actions between the two of you. A wise person once said to me, if you are having trouble working out someone's motivations, then have a look at their actions and see what you can infer from that.

Based on your post, you have been seeing someone for two months who likes to stay overnight and not much else. Attempts to find out more information about him have not seen him open up. What can you conclude? It appears that he does not want to spend time with you other than overnight stays, and is not willing to open up. Could there be reasons for this other than the one you fear, that he is just after a 'good time'? It's hard to know. But either way, the effect on you is not good, and you are not satisfied.

This is where communication comes in. You've done really well articulating your feelings and anxieties in your post, I wonder if you have said any of these things to him?

[familygirl]

Thanks for your reply. I have made it very clear right from the start that I was wanting companionship and true love, and he is well aware of my fears of being used again. He has always told me he wants the same and advised me about a month into our relationship about his anxiety, he informed me it took him two months to be able to stay over with his last long term girlfriend. It's very confusing for me, of course I don't want to get hurt again, but if he is genuine and needs more time, shouldn't I be able to be more supportive. It's hard because he expects me to know him as a loyal caring man, but I simply don't know him because we haven't spent enough time together. He texts me all day, everyday but you can't get to know someone online. I had a meltdown on Sunday and called it off when he said he could see me Sunday and I was hoping to see him for longer. Now I'm wondering whether I should have been more supportive if he's going through something I just simply don't understand, hence why I'm on here trying to understand his fears. I also told him his actions say everything and his words mean nothing...

[JessF]

It sounds like you've been very good at communcating your needs and setting some boundaries, but are starting to second guess yourself. Sometimes when we want companionship and true love really badly, we can behave as if every opportunity we have for love is the last one we will ever get. The problem with that is we can over-invest in situations where we're not getting what we want. It's interesting that he said it took him two months to stay over with his last long term girlfriend, did he mention why they split up? That may give you some useful information to ponder. Should you be more supportive? It all depends what kind of emotional investment you are willing to make, and weighing that up against how long you are willing to feel dissatsified and upset for until (or if) it pays off. What does "more time" look like? Another couple of months? A year? It helps to think about these things, because it will give you an idea as to whether you wish to keep pursuing this relationship or not.

[familygirl]

Thanks JessF,

Yes that's true, I guess I'm sick of trying so hard and end up being hurt, and maybe I'm trying to rush things, I also suffer depression and my self esteem gets in the way. His last relationship ended after 5yrs after she apparently cheated on him, I might also add that he was sexually abused as a young child but says he's healed from that. I guess the decision I have to make is am I willing to wait it out and hopefully not get hurt again and how long could I do it for. My thoughts are he'd have to offer a little more time then he is currently giving me at the moment for me to be able to cope. I take his actions personally and it's making me feel like I'm not good enough. Maybe there's my answer...

[JessF]

Hello familygirl, it's so hard not to take things personally isn't it? His last relationship lasted 5 years, and he has a history of sexual abuse. This suggests that he is capable of committing to relationship despite having his trust horrifically betrayed at a very young age. He also felt comfortable enough to tell you this about himself. It's always a juggling act in a new relationship to work out intimacy, it's rare for two people to move at exactly the same speed. I think you're doing a good job of working out which of the feelings you're having are about his behaviour, and which are to do with your own insecurities. Perhaps a solution might be to suggest some specific activities you could do together, rather than leaving it open to 'spending the day'. With summer coming up, it's a great opportunity to suggest having a day at the beach, for example, or going on a road trip. If he is an anxious person, the thought of spending unscheduled time could be anxiety-provoking, but if there is a planned activity, it gives him something to focus on and also look forward to.

[baet123]

Hi familygirl,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I am sorry to hear about your situation and you might be a bit too hard on yourself. JessF has made some really good points also.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to him if you feel comfortable enough and tell him about your concerns. Maybe because of his mental health condition he could be hesitant or fearful of commitment because he has some insecurities of his own? I just think it is really important for you guys to talk and be honest with each other about what you both want from the relationship and establish this early so that you both are on the same page. The way I feel about it is you give your all so your partner should too you know. If you feel that this isn't the case then maybe re-evaluate your situation.

Also, maybe its worth noting that what your boyfriend went through as a child might still be effecting him. I was in denial for a while about my problems and with men often we don't like admitting things or showing weakness/vulnerability. If he has commitment issues because of things that have happened in the past I think bringing that up with him and discussing possible options moving forward is important particularly in the early stages of your relationship.

You seem to be giving your all so it's only fair you receive that in return.

Keep us posted. I look forward to your replies.

Hope this helped and all the best.

Baet123

[familygirl]

Thank you JessF

I have decided to talk to him and see if we can come to some sort of arrangement where I can get to know him better and hopefully understand his anxiety and I think your suggestion of doing an activity together is good rather than just coming to my house. I know I have issues and I'm trying my best to overcome these and help him with his. Hopefully I don't get hurt again

[familygirl]

Thank you Baet123

It's a hard situation, I have trust issues and I am dealing with someone who suffers anxiety, lives with a married couple and has been coming over one night a week after work and leaves for work early the next morning. I thought after 2 months it would have progressed by now. I'm trying so hard to be supportive but then my trust issues kick in and I think I'm being used again. I wish I could understand what's going on in his head and see this loyal caring man that he says he is, but it's hard when you don't spend much time together. I'm going to have a talk with him and see if we can work out a way we can spend more time together without him feeling overwhelmed and me feeling used

[baet123]

Hi familygirl,

I think you are super supportive and we all have our issues so don't be too hard on yourself. Like you mentioned above in your reply I think talking with him and seeing if you can work it out and spend quality time together and progress your relationship would be a great way to progress and take it from there.

Anything in life worth doing doesn't come easy and takes time. Relationships are very much the same.

Keep us updated.

All the best,

Baet123