Hello

[jackbill]

Hello from Jack, I suffer from what I think is anxiety and what the doctor is calling anxiety.

I work from home with is great because I never need to leave my home daytime. I will drive at night after dark when there are less cars around and gives me the chance to breath fresh air. I dread when my doorbell is rung, I mute tv or hide in bedroom and wait for them to stop (usually sales people). If my mobile or house phone rings I never answer it or I will switch off for a few days. My job allows me to never interact with people which I like.

I have no friends which is great, no one can bother me, check on me or even come visit me. I don't have any family close by which is also great. I don't do anything. I get excited about watching a TV show or eating a new dish.

I take my rubbish out at night so no one can talk to me (neighbours) but more so that people cannot see me. I wear jumpers in summer because I have visible tattoos that I think are horrible. 

I look back over the last few sentences and it seems very comical, but it's such a hard disease to have and live with. 

I saw a local GP who gave me over a period of 4years a number of different medications. I have been off meds now for 6 months with no side effects and I felt the tablets never worked. I know this anxiety is in my head but I cannot stop the feeling.

After really getting sick of this feeling, I googled anxiety and ways to tackle it which has led me to this website. 

Not sure what the next step is, but at least I have taken a step 🙂

[JessF]

Hello jackbill, I read the first half of your post with a smile but only because I recognise all of those things! I have worked from home at various times, and what seem little things to other people like answering the door or possibly seeing the neighbours and having to make small talk would make my stomach churn. The lengths I would go to to avoid simple contact with people was quite comical when I look back on it. When I did have interactions with people, even friends or people from work who I should have felt comfortable with, it was a relief when the conversation was over because I felt like I was spinning plates, just bumbling my way through and desperate not to makea  mistake so I ended up looking like a fool. 

I think its sad how we demean ourselves by saying 'oh it's all in my head', which is another way of blaming ourselves. Anxiety may start in your head, but so does everything. The brain sends signals of pleasure and pain to all parts of our bodies, and mental illnesses are no different. 

You say that you are happy with having no friends or family close by to see you, and you seem to like being on your own, yet at the same time you are keen for things to change. if you could push a magic button and have a different life right now, what would it look like?  Have you always been like you are now? 

[jackbill]

Hello JessF, thanks for your reply and its great to read that others feel or have felt the same issues with anxiety.

I was a regional manager for a medium size company about 6 years ago, long days and long hours but enjoyed the work greatly and being around people i had the same issues but not as bad as they are today. I left the company and started doing same job but from my home office.

Im very keen for things to change bigtime. The last 2 days i tried handing over the parcels to be posted n person, rather than dropping at the red box in the street. This was to try and interact with the clerks and smile, i did good but was relieved to be out of there. Just parking the car and walking to the post office can seem the biggest task of them all. I say to myself please please no lines and then a massive busy line which then has me on the phone head down waiting for my turn in the que. Tose few minutes seems like hours, the many though process of "did that lady see me scratch my ear"is my shirt ironed??!! Are my shoselaces tied?? who is behind me? What am i asking for at the checkout?

Magic Button? Wow i would ALOT of them lol, if i could hit it right now would be mobile having more than 2 contacts, family/friends visiting and being involved in helping the youth in drug/alcohol problems (been clean now for 10years) and actually making a difference in life rather than making money in life and not doing anything.
 

[JessF]

Queues! I'm still no angel, but I have got a lot better at them. They used to make me furious for some reason. I would be that person tutting, looking around, complaining that there aren't enough staff on.  When I learnt some mindfulness techniques through my psych for helping me calm down during panic attacks I actually found it had a great flow on effect into other parts of my life.  I really surprised myself one day when I got into a shop, there was a massive queue, and instead of my temperature rising, I found myself saying 'well, you'll have to wait and you're not in a rush to be anywhere', so I stood in the queue and just started paying attention to different things around the store, watching the people behind the counter and their expressions and thanking my lucky stars that I wasn't having to serve customers! 

That's fantastic that you want to get involved in youth work. Is there some volunteeering you could do for a local youth organisation? That could be a massive confidence booster for you, imagine being a speaker and telling your story to others. That would be great.