this is my first time doing anything like this. so um hi everyone. My
story begins in yr. 8 (2006) when I went to a school production and as I
got on the bus I felt breathless and lightheaded and then fainted, this
was the beginning of my "anxiety" a...
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this is my first time doing anything like this. so um hi everyone. My
story begins in yr. 8 (2006) when I went to a school production and as I
got on the bus I felt breathless and lightheaded and then fainted, this
was the beginning of my "anxiety" attacks. Nothing like this had ever
happened to me before so I put it down to dehydration and that’s what it
seemed to be. But then in the summer of 2007 I was doing cadets (surf
life saving) and I had two anxiety attacks in one day and one of them
was while I was in the water. I had no idea what was happening to me, it
was very frightening and for it to happen on the beach in front of so
many people made it that much worse. I was totally and utterly
embarrassed. That afternoon I got home and told mum, we both put it down
to asthma and she brushed it off while I felt like an idiot. Yr. 9
(2007) was a total blur with me having anxiety attacks left right and
center. My first 'major' one was when I was in religion and I got short
of breath, thinking it was my asthma I went to my locker to get my
ventolin which is where I completely lost it and had a full blown
attack. My attacks were varied from shortness of breath to
hyperventilating to blacking out in which case I would have to be
carried by teachers. They would also be from anywhere between only 10
mins to a few hours. One of the worst cases was on school camp, I went
on a challenge high course and had an anxiety attack while up there and
my weekend just got worse from there, I have never felt so humiliated in
my life. I hated it! it was like having an attack for 3 days straight, I
was exhausted, they were almost going to ring the ambulance but I begged
them not to. The teachers also wanted to call my parents to tell them
what had happened, they did which I didn’t forgive them for. I hated the
fact that mum and dad knew. I dint know why, I think I felt they would
be disappointed. Anyway through the year I saw the school counselor who
attempted to help me with "strategies" they then also passed me onto a
psychologist. I felt neither of them were very helpful and the
strategies I was supposed to use I felt were just pointless, for
instance I had to go through the alphabet. I guess it was hard for them
to help me when there didn't seem to be any one cause. The one person I
could count on when having an attack was my yr. 9 coordinator, I have no
idea why but he was the only one that could calm me and actually
comforted me. I will be forever grateful to him for what he did, he
definitely got me through the year. Yr. 9 was one of the hardest years
of my life. My anxiety attacks made me feel different (that I wasn't
normal), that I wasn't in control and everyday that I went to school I
felt embarrassed in front of my peers. After yr. 9 there didn't seem to
be as many attacks but they were still there. I was still seeing the
psychologist but I was really doing it just to keep my mum and dad
happy. But inside of me I started to feel down, sad and worthless. I
began having dreams and thoughts about harming myself, one day at school
I took an overdose (I have never told anyone that before) but not with
the intention of dying more that I didn't care what happened to me, and
of course nothing happened I just felt really sick and dizzy. But those
thoughts were still there, I ended up talking to one of best friends
about it, I just wanted to get it off my chest. After a couple of weeks
my friend came to me telling me that she was going to go to the school
counselor with what I had said, I told her that if she did our
friendship would be over. A few days later I was on the bus home when I
got off mum was in the car waiting for me which was odd cause our house
was within easily walking distance, not thinking too much of it I got
in. I could feel the tension in the air I asked her what was wrong and
as we were speeding down the highway she told me that the psychologist
had rang informing her of my thoughts. I immediately burst into tears.
In that moment I was seriously thinking of jumping out of that car at
100km/ph., I felt dead inside, I felt mums disappointment, I felt that
my life was not worth living right there and then, I didn't want to have
to deal with the consequences and I wanted it all to be over. I have no
idea what stopped me but for that 30 min drive that’s all I thought
about while blubbering. When we got to the psychologists I refused to go
in but in the end I did, we weren't going to leave, as my normal psych
wasn't there I had to talk to someone new. So I talked...and I talked
and got everything off my chest. How I felt my relationship with my mum
wasn't very good and that she didn't understand me, how I felt I was a
failure, and how I wanted to kill myself. When I walked out I felt like
the biggest weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but I found this
was only a short-term fix. When I went back to school I distanced myself
from my usual school friends and found a new group, I learnt not to talk
to them about my anxiety and sadness if I wanted to feel somewhat equal
and if I wanted the friendship to last. I went to the psychologist a few
more times that year (2007) but felt it wasn't helping anymore, I didn't
find there strategies useful and they wanted to include my mum and I
didn't and overall I just didn't feel like the understood. So through
the rest of my high school years I had anxiety attacks and still had
dark thoughts but didn't seem too bad so I kept quiet. In 2011 I had a
gap year and as you can imagine it was not very stressful (I had to have
2x knee surgeries) so from what I can remember I didn't have any attacks
but this was one of my happier years because towards the end I became
close friends with these two girls. I had never felt so happy, included,
equal and loved as I did with my new found friends but also my family
and I can safely say if those two girls weren't in my life I believe I
would not be alive today, they saved me from myself. In 2012 I arrived
in Ballarat for university and stayed on campus. Within the first couple
of weeks I had my first anxiety attack in what felt like forever, and it
was the first one I ever had intoxicated, as you can imagine it was not
a pretty sight. It went on for at least 4 hours until I blacked out.
When I woke the next morning all I could think about was the fact my new
'unit' friends would think I was a lunatic. I was mortified that they
had had to witness it and that next day I had another one. These anxiety
attacks brought back all those unwanted feelings I had left behind a
year ago. So I went to the doctors that weekend and asked for help. My
GP gave me two options; either sees a psychologist or medication. I had
tried talking to someone before and it didn't work, I wanted the
possibility of these attacks gone I didn't want to embarrass myself in
front of my new friends ever again so I took the medication, which
seemed to help. I didn't have any more attacks but I still had the
unwanted feelings. One time in my room on campus I was feeling quite
down and thought about suicide but I couldn't, the fact that I couldn't
go through with it made me feel even worse so I took an overdose knowing
nothing drastic would happen but hoping to god it would. Obviously
nothing happened I just felt a bit sick. Then when I would go out
drinking with friends, I would really drink, say 9-15 standards or more
in 6 hours. Mixed with the medication, I was a mess. The positive was
that in those few hours I would forget everything wrong in my life and
it would seem to be rainbows and sunshine but then the next day would be
even worse with all those feelings coming back along with the
embarrassment of the night before. So this summer (2013) I went back to
the GP and she gave me a higher dosage of my medication, 20mg, and it
has made me feel somewhat better. Kari
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