Health anxiety towards loved ones

[ferrerorocher]

Hi everyone
I've been on here for a bit, occasionally reading your posts and so on, but I feel the need to share this and wonder if there are people experiencing something similar. In my teenage years I had a history of depression and struggled with self-esteem and eating disorders back in the day, but now that I'm older and married and in a stable, supportive environment, I seem to be able to manage things pretty well. Or so I think anyway.
One thing that does crop up every now and then is what I think might be health anxiety? It's not so much for myself (in fact, I think it's the opposite with myself and I honestly CBF about my own health, which is a bad thing right?) but towards my husband and my children. I think I had it in my previous relationship before I met my husband too - my boyfriend back in the day had asthma and used to get colds and sometimes asthma attacks regularly, and I used to overreact a bit about it (which he thought was cute, bah) and I used to get really anxious and be over the top 'caring' like running to get food and meds etc. and act like he was probably just about to have cancer and die or something.
When I met my husband, I thought I would be okay with it but then he got a bad case of glandular fever/tonsilitis and the curtain of anxiety just fell on me. It's like an overwhelming feeling of worry but also feeling bad and guilty for what was happening, and in this particular case I even resorted to self-harm because it was the only thing to relieve that stress. I think it also strained my relationship with him a bit because I felt I was treading on thin ice around him and I could no longer emotionally connect, probably a response to minimise my erratic feelings. My husband is a pretty healthy guy but I've found that if he ever gets sick or something, I just go into this anxiety sort of state and disconnect etc.
I have three beautiful kids too and I realise that I might be doing the same about them. I'm one of those avid Dr Google mothers who reads academic journals about my kids symptoms and so on - strangely enough it's not too bad when they have things like colds, conjunctivitis or gastro, but particularly with my first son, he has some sensory issues and also constipation issues (which possibly are caused by low muscle tone etc.) and I realise I am quite fixated upon them. Just wondering if anyone had such issues and if you would share how you tackled these feelings.

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

You sound like you are over reacting to the point whereby it is affecting your life too much.

I had this problem many years ago, about 30 actually and overcome it completely within a few years, in the first instance with therapy which was an outstanding success and proactive continuation of with that therapy taught me.

For example, in my case as a local dog ranger and local laws officer I would over react to the slightest hint of mini corruption like- someone asking for me to turn a blind eye to his friends dog wandering at large. Or if I visited someone and didn't get offered a cuppa within the first hour I'd be outraged, not tell them but dwell on the topic for days. I was sweating the small stuff.

I had black and white thinking but it took a good therapist to realise this and tell me one day "your thinking is black and white in a world full of people with grey thoughts." and "when are you going to stop saving the world" Such comments resonate 30 years later...they hit home.

Some threads to help you with this are-

Google- Beyondblue forum topic worry worry worry

Google- Beyondblue forum topic you cant change the world

There is a fine line however. Some of our behaviours are deep within our DNA. Study your parents and if ther eis some similarities then your plans to change are limited. Then it is a case of changing what you can change and accepting what you cant- all for sound mental health.

Google- Beyondblue forum topic accepting yourself the frog and the scorpion

you said "but particularly with my first son, he has some sensory issues and also constipation issues (which possibly are caused by low muscle tone etc.) and I realise I am quite fixated upon them." This is my mother to a tee. My older brother (dec) was a diabetic and in the 1950's that was a bigger deal than what it is now. However her panicking and helicopter parenting led to her other two children (me and my sister) having anxiety issues later in life...no good.

A therapist will ask you things like "what is the worse case scenario"? etc and you'll realise that you are over reacting and its time to get things into best perspective.

The positive of all this is that you are a great mum...be proud of that.

TonyWK

[IreneM]

Hi and welcome,

I am Irene, the current member of the month and have since started a course on psychology, these studies have been confronting but encouraging to realise that I can change myself.

First of all I feel overwhelmed by TonyWKs response it virtually hits the nail on the head.

Secondly you are at least admitting all of your problems so take stock of that fact that you have taken the first step in dealing with it - acknowledging it. But you have to accept that your reactions to all of your circumstances are normal in many ways. As Tony said you need to take a balanced perspective between those that you are worrying about, and allow them to take control of their lives, instead of you doing everything for them.

If they really care about themselves, they will explore their treatment options just like you are. By all means share your treatment findings with them but let them take charge. They need to look after themselves. Let your sons ask you questions about what is wrong with them and what they can do to help themselves. Ask them if they would like to treat themselves - most people will say "yes". Show it to them and if these problems happen again, remind them of what you told and showed them and let them do it.

You're being a good Mum but don't take over, that was what my Mum did and as a result I never knew how to look after myself. Please keep this in mind with your kids.

In relation to your health anxiety I would take stock and try and make sure that you are doing the right thing for yourself. Once your kids reach pre-teens they have got the capacity to make their own decisions on how to look after themselves, instead of you doing everything for them and not explaining to them how to do things. Most kids are far more intelligent than what parents give them credit for.

Give them an incentive to look after themselves and they will soon appreciate it and become more independent as well as get sick less often. So will you benefit by having to worry less.

Take care

Irene