Anxiety due to fear of unsolicited advice and intrusion from strangers in public

[MrA77]

I've had anxiety since I was 16 years old and I've learned this skills how to manage it (daily exercise and socialising work best for me). Yet over the years I have had too many experiences where I've attracted the attention of officious strangers who feel entitled to give their opinion about my appearance or assume I need assistance without asking (e.g. offering a hand or telling me how to do something). These incidents have been really intrusive and unsettling and I've felt intimated, overpowered and my personal space intruded, my personal agency violated and it's triggered my anxiety and made me hypervigilant in public.

I've discussed this in therapy over the years, yet with mental health campaigns like R U OK, I've noticed there's an increase in people who consider themselves rescuers and saviours and imposing themselves on strangers who they perceive to be distressed or having a bad time. Most of the time it comes across as these people need help themselves.

Everyone has their own way of managing their mental health and yes sometimes a stranger may be of great help, yet they can also cause more harm and be toxic.

Has anyone else had this experience and how do you manage these situations?

[Doolhof]

Hi MrA77,

Welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I guess we all express and show our anxiety and issues in different ways.

Maybe you could tell people something like "Thanks for the offer, I will be okay shortly, I just need some space right now". Making people realise you require your own time and space to get a grip on your situation will hopefully make them aware and they will back off.

My situation has been different recently. I could feel an horrendous panic attack coming on and approached a woman and her teenager son and told them they had to talk to me or I was going to loose control big time. They were very kind and helped me immensely.

A couple of very kind policemen helped me through a dreadful time as well.

It can be difficult to know if we should reach out to help people or let them cope on their own. Hopefully you will be able to just tell people what you need.

In a way I would rather someone offer to help, be able to tell them no thanks than to be left trying to deal with a horrid state alone thinking no one cared.

Hope you find ways to deal with your anxiety before the issue becomes too intense.

Thanks again for sharing. We all cope differently and require help in different ways also.

Cheers to you and all from Dools

[Croix]

Dear MrA77~

I'd like to join Mrs Dools in welcoming you here.

Yes I agree that offers of help from strangers can be intrusive, for a start they highlight that there is something wrong (or they would not think to offer) which I'm not always pleased to be reminded of.

Obviously having your own way of dealing with things is best, however I think Mrs Dools has a pretty good point -I'd rather they offered than didn't and be left alone when I did need help.

A couple of examples

I've PSTD and a couple of days ago was talking to someone about something that raised vivid memories of a past incident. The other person did not know what to do at my sudden reaction and just stared - made me feel small. An RUOK would have been good, not to actually do anything, but just a friendly human contact.

I've also limited movement, and the number of people that have given up a seat, or offered to carry my bag has been very surprising, and on those occasions the help has been very welcome, physically necessary even if highlighting my deficiencies.

So I guess I'm now someone that thinks they can't always get on alone. I'd manage - just, but other humans wanting to help are OK.

Having said all that I'd have to agree wiht you too. The way help is offered makes all the difference. I'd be put out if someone just took over, or assumed to much, it is belittling. Dealing with the different approaches you can come across does take tact -and firmness -at times.

Hopefully in time you will reach the stage where your distress is not apparent and the problem will solve itself.

Croix

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[romantic_thi3f]

Hi MrA77,

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for your post, and I can already see you've been given some great advice.

I too have my fair share of stories - giving, receiving, wanting, not wanting. I think the best snippet to take away from that is boundaries.

Often when we're chatting with someone, there can become this line where once they've crossed it - it might trigger our anxiety or make us feel violated. Do you know where your line is? Do you know when people have crossed it or when people look like they're about to cross it?

Doolhof made one great suggestion - perhaps you could try "thanks, no thanks", or "lets talk about something else", or "it'd really help if you grabbed me a glass of water (aka go over there and be busy)" "tell me about your weekend?" "I need some alone time right now". Whether it's diversion, distraction - see if you can find a couple of key phrases, and practice them.

I think by having a few go-to phrases or even techniques (headphones/body posture), you can start to feel a little more in control. I think most of the time strangers have the best intentions with wanting to help - they just need to know what's not working for you and what will.

[IreneM]

Hi MrA77

Welcome to the forums.

I am the current member of the month and since my story have now started doing psychology to help both myself and others. I also had these issues when I was in deep depression as well as watched other members of support groups that I have been part of get intruded and invaded.

Once again it is all about Boundaries. But how do these strangers know where our boundaries are unless we speak up or make it clear? This can be hard to do as sometimes our stress responses can just make us so tense we can't do or say anything if we panic, which strangers can cause. It is often about having the courage to stand up and say "Thank you for your offer but no I don't need you." The courage to simply say "NO" can be a tough one, but with reciting a response that you would say if it happened, you can do it if the real situation arises.

The thing to remember is to do stress management techniques at these difficult times - many references to them on this forum. But it is easier if we know what makes us react this way in the first place - the trigger factor. Once you can recognise that seek psychological help if you cannot find a strategy yourself. Some examples include: taking a deep breath in these situations - to calm yourself down, regular meditation or yoga. Everyone has their own different technique that works for them and you need to find yours.

Hope we are all assisting you.

Irene.