Handbrake on life

[bluehorseshoes]

So I'm new here, I'm in my 30s and finally accept what's been the handbrake on my life - anxiety and depression. I recently spoke to BB (thank you counsellors), saw GP, started medication, researching, and saw a psychologist.

The psych did 75% of the talking, spent a portion of time trying to get her iPad working, then trying to get desktop working, telling me that women are prone to stress, what with all the hormones/childbearing/menopause etc. and have I tried tracking feelings with my menstrual cycle (if she stopped following her script and started to talking TO me - not AT me she would see we're NOT dealing with a bit if PMS here), and did the receptionist tell me how very busy her diary is? 3 months for the next appointment - mine was a fluke (why oh WHY then are they taking new patients if their cup runneth over?!)

I prepared for the session, making notes in case I was too emotional to remember things but when I tried to bring up anything before this week she said 'The past is in the past, there is nothing to change. You can either drag it around with you or let it go'.
Understandably with anx/dep I may be preoccupied with the past, but she said she wanted to get to know me. Doesn't our past inform our present - and how I got here?

"Highlights" of my history - a father who verbally/emotionally/financially and occasionally physically abused my family, being completely cut off from extended family, the threat of putting me up for adoption when I was 7 to get me to do my chores, never being allowed to go on holidays/birthdays/sleepovers/extracurricular activities, no visiting/calling friends/neighbours allowed, being disowned, an attempt to run away but being caught and told he would end us all if we did it again, family finally escaping later in highschool and homeless in a women's shelter, not knowing what direction to take with my life, using alcohol to feel confident in social/most situations, having times where I couldn't leave the house without checking every powerpoint/lock/tap, having a car accident due to being late because of the 'checking', dread of making mistakes/failure, catastrophizing, low self esteem, never having a 'serious' relationship with a man and not letting anyone get too close to me.

These events were dismissed by the psych who believed it's all just part of being a woman.

It's NOT.

She was a speedhump, this condition is the handbrake, and I'm praying the medication and this community will help me release it.

Thank you

[White_Rose]

Hello Bluehorseshoes

That's a fascinating name. Any particular reason for choosing it? Do you know a horse with blue shoes?

As I read your posts I get the impression you are keen to help yourself back to wellness. That's one of the hardest things to do, allow yourself to become well. Sometimes it seems so hard and we start catastrophising (a favourite past-time of mine)and find we are part of the fight/flight/freeze syndrome, usually the freeze aspect. I do admire anyone who approaches this with determination. Good for you.

You comments about thinking ahead are generally useful but I'm not sure it's a good thing in therapy. Too much thinking ahead which will inevitably include predicting your therapists next step, can confuse and muddy the water. Sometimes it's good to let go of control in therapy and trust the therapist to steer you through the water. However, first things first. You need to feel you can trust the therapist to guide you and provide support.

If you feel you would do well with a psychiatrist, ask your GP for a referral to someone she/he has confidence in. You will need a referral in any event. I know my GP has been fussy about where to send me for any specialist treatment and I do trust her.

I see you have a terrific sense of humour. I loved your ladies being thrown into the lake. Sometimes I feel this still happens. Having a sense of humour is so useful. If I let myself smile and enjoy something that has tickled me I can get on much better. When you think of a joke share it on the Worst Joke Wednesday forum. Some hilarious moments there.

Letting go and spilling the beans about your life takes courage. Once said you cannot take it back. It is in the end good for us. Keeping our various life experiences hidden can serve to be a handbrake. Deeply held pain can fester unfortunately and we do not realise how much until it becomes so bad we 'explode'. When I have revealed myself I have been so scared. What if the other person thinks I am bad. What if they tell someone else. What ifs are hard to combat. In the end, having said something to your therapist, which will be kept confidential, you get a sense of proportion about it. Keep going.

Mary

[bluehorseshoes]

Hi Croix,

I'm such a beginner to this therapy business it's ridiculous - I should have an L plate.

So I guess I didn't realize that I had control in the sense that I can set the 'agenda' for each session. Part of my stress over impending sessions was that it was like I was heading to a police interrogation where I had to be prepared and wouldn't know where the therapist would want to look. But I see now that I can come with what I want to discuss in particular that week and it goes from there. So that helps.

Of course that didn't happen this week because I just realized it. The 'lesson' that I took away from the free flowing discussion this week was that it's ok to love someone and also feel annoyed with them (true). However this topic also threw doubt on a relationship. The therapist implied that this person is not as supportive as they could be and there should be more distance/boundaries between us.

I came away angry. But yes there is some truth. True this person is not always perfectly supportive, but then neither am I. The more distance etc. will happen naturally when I get 'back on track' and into a more structured situation and improve more, but it's not possible at the moment. In the future, sure.

I feel the session focused on an area I don't consider to be problematic right now, rather than areas that really are. A relationship I was confident about, was questioned and now I feel less confident in someone who's very important and is not abusive in anyway. But like any family we have communication issues. Feeling less confident about anything right now is not helpful.

Heading into next week remembering -

1. Just because the therapist said it doesn't mean I have to accept it completely

2. Just because I'm angry doesn't mean they hit the nail on the head and really made me 'face the truth' OR that I should quit immediately.

3. If I'm more proactive rather than letting them pick the topic, I'll feel more satisfied overall and heard.

I found myself thinking "why are we talking about X, when I really want to examine Y?"

I'm not in denial over the health of the relationship we discussed. But I need to be more assertive with my part in therapy.

Bluehorseshoes

[bluehorseshoes]

Afterthought -

This person has been the main support in my life. Being forced to look critically at them and say that their support has not been perfect only makes me feel more isolated and worried.

That's not what I want from therapy.

[bluehorseshoes]

Hi Mary,

Blue Horse Shoe is the code name Michael Douglas uses in the original Wall Street to do insider trading. It's just stuck with me I guess... but I can see such a horse giving Winx a run for her money! Glad you caught the witchcraft reference - I thought "I'm sure she won't take this seriously.."

As you can see I'm wrestling with therapy. My therapist asked me to start things off last time and when I started to flounder, they took over and I slowly started to realise that this topic is not really in my top 5 issues right now and was not how I needed to spend the session. Frustrating. So in that sense with this therapist, I can now see that I need to be in control at the beginning, and be prepared to set the topic before letting them steer.

Feeling about 60% trust in them after the 2nd session and as you suggest trying to just take it one at a time. They wanted to cram in more sessions before the end of year to use up care plan before end of calendar, but at the moment it's hard enough for me to face once a week let alone more...

Proportion is the right word - thanks. Although we discussed something which wasn't that relevant to me now - my connection to someone supportive who makes mistakes in their support - I suppose it did put my issues into perspective and clarify them.

Thanks for letting me know about Wednesdays. Sounds like my herbal cup of tea.

Bluehorseshoes

[Croix]

Dear Bluehorseshoes~

I guess you are right, no relationship is perfect in every way, mainly becuse everyone is human. You decide what is good and works, nobody else. True there may be things the psych feels could be different, may even be correct, but I'd suspect it is your reaction, rather than their behavior that is the target.

Going in wiht a written list of points you want covered is a good idea. (Apart from not floundering) it does not always mean those points will be covered, but should allow your psych to explain why not, and also how the things you do cover are connected to them. Sometimes influences can be subtle.

In a way I can sympathize wiht the psych's urge to slip as many sessions as possible in this calendar year. 6 (or sometimes 10) sessions per year is never enough and the idea of boosting the total number can seem attractive. I'd doubt it is for the money. There are so many people here who would agree that a MH plan is woefully inadequate.

If you are having difficulties with the frequency of the sessions say so, maybe there are techniques for handling things better, or maybe the number has to drop - not long to go now anyway.

I'll look out for you on "Worst Joke Wednesday". Your funnies can't be any worse than mine. While I'm at it I'll mention

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

This can be a good place to take one's mind off hassles, and at the same time an opportunity for any of those that feel like it to share some of their own happy moments.

Croix