Guilt about boundaries -39 weeks pregnant

[Meowface]

I’ve had to deal with very dominant personalities since childhood - my own mother has been a very strong and controlling influence in my life.

Ive done a lot of therapy over the years and have learnt that my response to the dominance has been to become a very passive person.

I stick to myself and try to be very independent. This normally keeps things manageable even though deep down I know there’s a lot of anger there.

Anyway I’m now 39 weeks pregnant and am overwhelmed by the dominant people I’m having to manage. My husband is similar to me with similar parents so there’s a whole group of people that are pushing about expectations to be in the waiting room, babysit the baby, organise other visitors etc. without ever asking what we want or need.

I just got off the phone with my mother and explained that we don’t want anyone in the waiting room. Grandparents will be first but we want a few hours to ourselves to bond with baby on our own.

Its an awkward conversation because these personality types never ask what you actually want, so you kind of have to sound a bit dramatic when putting your needs forward. She was typical in her response, made me feel stupid and demanding “oh there’s so many rules”.

I want so desperately to have better boundaries but after I speak up for myself my anxiety just gets worse. I feel very alone and worried about my own mental health but other people just don’t seem to care.

[YellowPoppy]

Hi Meowface,


I am so sorry that your needs for time with your newborn baby are being treated so disrespectfully.

I had an experience of feeling like I was making too many rules by my ex partners mum.

My ex and I were moving out and his younger brother made a comment about coming over all the time and I said said 'give us a heads up, don't just drop by' and my exs mum asked incredulously 'you mean we need to call before me visit our son?' and I just calmly responded with a yes and explained that I would expect the same from my family or friends because I need to mentally prepare for visitors. Of course that made her feel unwelcome and obviously that relationship didn't last.

That was so difficult for me to stand by and say in the first place and I can imagine it's 1000 times harder when it's your own mum and its about your baby.

I think you just need to remind yourself that this is what YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need to do to start you family and to welcome your child into the world. That is important to you and yoir new family. And as best as you can ignore the comments and try and focus on you.

Hope I helped

YellowPoppy

[Elizabeth CP]

I would just not ring until you are ready for visitors. You have the perfect excuse of being too busy coping with the labour & of course your partner won't have time to leave you to make that important call to either set of parents. I certainly told noone that I was in labour until after my baby was born and able to be visited. My children have done the same to us.

[Quercus]

Hello Meowface (and a wave to Yellow Poppy too),

I've lost count of the Mums I've spoken to that have had similar worries. Parents deciding to move in or take over when baby arrives. Family insisting on being there for the birth. You name it... New lives bring out the best and worst of people.

Yellow Poppy has said it all so consisely and well... The most important opinion is yours. This is your baby and if you want time alone that is what needs to happen.

What I wanted to ask for add was whether your midwife or obstetrician has discussed your birth plan with you yet? Before both of our kids were born we were asked to complete a plan for the midwives so that everyone understood what our needs were.

Part of this was preferences for pain relief but they also wanted to know who would I permit in the room with me and how long would we like alone with bub. When could others visit and who would we permit.

I was told it was a system in place to help new parents to have the birth experience they wished for. After all... You only get to be born once and hospital staff know families can push you to allow things that make you feel uncomfortable.

If you haven't been asked is it possible to ask whether you can ask for no visitors until otherwise directed?

It is ok to be firm! If there is one time in your life you're absolutely allowed to do what YOU need it is after giving birth!

I hope you are able to find a way to stand your ground and feel ok. Above all best of wishes for a safe delivery and healthy baby.

Nat