Grief after losing my brother has turned into severe anxiety

Katabi

My brother passed away from cancer a little over three weeks ago. His illness progressed extremely quickly, and since his death I have been struggling with intense anxiety, particularly from the time I wake up until late afternoon.

My mind keeps going to worst-case scenarios about my own health and what would happen to my wife and children if something suddenly happened to me. I feel overwhelmed by everything I still need to finish and all the responsibilities I carry.

At times I feel okay, but then the anxiety suddenly returns. I struggle to settle, focus, eat normally or decide whether I should rest or keep busy. I have spoken with a doctor and have another follow-up appointment booked. I am also waiting to see my regular GP about professional grief and mental-health support.

I am not looking for medical advice. I would really like to hear from people who experienced severe anxiety after a bereavement. Did it come in waves like this? What helped you get through the difficult daytime hours while you were waiting for professional support?

indigo22

Hi Katabi,

Welcome to the forums, I am so glad you found your way here.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have lost 2 brothers, one under similar circumstances to your own. Grief is different for everyone but it has only been a short time so you please don't expect too much of yourself right now.

Your reaction is more normal than you might think, when we lose someone close it makes us look at our own mortality more closely. This is where our head can take over thinking of all the negative scenarios and create fear if you allow it to. Instead, try to focus on the heart and the emotions you are feeling, acknowledging them and then letting them pass through you like a wave. Focus your attention on the ones you love around you, be open with them about how you are feeling and lean on them for support while you are going through this.

Grief counselling will be helpful to you so I am very glad you are looking into this with your GP. It is going to take time to feel anywhere close to normal again. Not being able to settle, not eating normally etc. are all normal things when it comes to grief so please be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time, if need be, take it one moment at a time until you find your feet again.

You are going to be okay with time. I will be here so feel free to continue the conversation anytime you wish, communicating with someone who has an understanding of how you are feeling may help while you are waiting to start counselling.

Thinking about you with care,

indigo 💜

Katabi

Hi Indigo,

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. It means a lot hearing from someone who has also lost two brothers, because I have now lost two brothers as well. Knowing you understand that kind of loss makes it easier to talk openly.

I am trying to take things one day at a time, and sometimes one moment at a time. The anxiety seems to come in waves, so I will try to remember what you said about acknowledging the feelings and letting them pass instead of following every negative scenario.

For now, I have also decided to stay away from social media, especially Facebook. I keep seeing posts about people passing away, wills and other things that bring my mind straight back to death. I will still use Messenger to keep in contact with people I know, but I think avoiding the rest of social media for a while will help give my mind a break.

I have found it difficult talking to people who have not experienced this kind of grief. They mean well, but sometimes the things they say make the fear worse rather than helping. It is comforting to hear from someone who understands from personal experience.

Thank you for offering to continue the conversation. I really appreciate it.

Katabi

indigo22

Hi Katabi,

Staying away from social media right now is a smart decision, also staying away from news will help, everything is so negative and you don't need that at present.

I have gone through grief 6 times now, both parents, 2 brothers and 2 very close friends. The grieving was different for each one and lasted different lengths of time. I think it has a lot to do with how bonded we are with the person we have lost. I completely understand your mind thinking in terms of your wife and children but it's important not to allow those thoughts to be your focus.

Try to remember that it is okay to laugh occasionally, it is very healing and will help lighten the load of the anxiety and grief. Perhaps play a game with your family or watch a funny video to take your mind away from things for a while. Our loved ones we have lost want us to recover, not suffer endlessly, it is up to us to help that process along as we feel able.

You are right, others do mean well but cannot possibly grasp grief if they have never experienced it. A close friend said that she had felt compassion for me but until she lost her own father, did not really understand what it was like to lose someone close.

I hope each day becomes a little more peaceful than it has been, you are not alone.

indigo 💜

Katabi

Hi Indigo,

I agree that keeping some sort of daily routine is important, even if it is only small steps such as remembering to eat, getting outside for a while, or doing one normal thing. I have also watched videos that talk about allowing yourself to laugh, smile and watch something funny. We cannot stop the grief, but we are still allowed to have moments where we feel okay.

I think if I had stayed on the path I was on and kept everything bottled up, I would be in a much worse place now. Reaching out, making myself eat even when I am not hungry, and speaking out loud about what I am frightened of has helped. Talking about it is probably the hardest part for me because I do not want the people I love to become frightened with me, so I was holding a lot of it inside.

I am still on a huge roller coaster, but at the moment I am functioning. I also agree with staying away from the news as well as social media. There is so much negativity, and right now I need to give my mind a break from it.

I will laugh when I can and try not to feel guilty for having a happy moment. I have been watching funny videos, and although I do not find everything funny at the moment, some things still make me smile. I know the people we have lost would not want us to suffer endlessly.

Right now, every small ache, muscle cramp or normal body change can set my mind racing. I am trying not to follow every thought and instead tell myself that I can deal with things when there is a real reason to, rather than living inside every possible “what if.”

I had a few good moments today and took my dog to the dog park while I was feeling okay. Once I got there, the anxiety came back, so I kept telling myself that the moment would pass and that it was part of what I am going through. I did feel better later, even though it did not feel that way at the time.

This is very hard. I do want to grieve, but I do not want to be completely lost inside it. I am trying to keep doing the things I would normally do. Sometimes I feel like I have got this, and sometimes I do not. I can write about it more easily, but saying it out loud often brings on the tears.

Thank you again for understanding and for continuing to talk with me.

Cheers,
Katabi

indigo22

Hi Katabi,

I am glad to hear you had some moments of feeling okay without the anxiety. You seem to know now what to do to get through those waves of anxiety when they arrive, they may feel intense at the time but they do pass more quickly when you allow them to be expressed in the moment. The aches and pains are quite normal too when you consider the internal battle we go through with grieving.

You have found a good strategy for getting through this rough time which is a healthy balance. The tears are an important part of grieving though so don't deny them completely as they are an emotional release. I rarely cry these days but there was a time when I would be lying in bed with tears running down my face, I found I was able to sleep better after letting them out.

I will continue to talk with you for as long as you need, it's why I am here.

I hope you have a few more calm moments in the coming days,

indigo 💜

Guest_10516

I Sorry for your Loss. I Lost my sister to stage 4 lung cancer about 6 year's ago now and the night I lost her my Anxiety overwhelmed me. And for the next few months I could not focus I could not funtion properly. I used meditation and yoga to help me work out some of my anxiety. When I get really upset I go back to the basics. Breath and feel your breath going in and out. Listen to it concontrate and Focus on your heart beat feel the life flowing in and out of you and every one and every thing around you. Try it you never know it might work for you. Anyway I Send Peace Love And Light Too You.