Friendly neighbours or nightmare neighbours?

[leavemealone]

We've just moved into a house on a street where the neighbours are overbearingly nice (well for me anyway), I can't go out to the garden, sit in the front room or out to check the mail because as soon as they see me they come over or their kids come over. The kids walk inside the house uninvited and out to the back garden to bounce on the trampoline and then the parents eventually leave and the kids linger for ages.

This morning i almost ran over one of the kids in the car, who was in my drive way, while i was running late and rushing out the door for work, as i pulled out the Dad is standing there waving at me and then walks into my drive to play with his kids as i'm driving off. Needless to say i arrived at work so stressed out and almost in tears.

the neighbours say this is normal (we're house sitting) for the owners to allow and how they all love the open door policy. I'm trying to make myself more friendly, to embrace it for the 6 months we're living here and I know it's going to be good for my "issues"

Does anyone have any tips to help me deal with it? I can't tell them to get lost as the owners would be upset when they return to their home, plus they are very nice and I know I'd regret being so rude and then would feel like the need to avoid them would be even stronger than it already is. I'm just so bad with people in the past few months, even people I know very well, I won't answer my phone to them, I'll do EVERYTHING to avoid going for dinner/coffees, catch ups, whatever. These poor neighbours don't stand a chance really do they?

My husband on the other hand is the most social and friendly person on the planet and loves having them there, I used to be similar, but as I mentioned in recent months I'm the pits it's got s bad that my 4 year old is now showing signs because of my behaviour

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi leavemealone,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this and it sounds like it's quite a flip from what you are used to with all your privacy suddenly being invaded randomly!

As for how to deal with it, the first thing that comes to mind is boundaries.

How often do they come over? What is it that they do/expect? Is it that the kids come and play on the trampoline and their parents just talk to you? Or do you have lunch/dinner together? I'm asking these questions to get a better idea of what usually happens so that potentially you could tone it down a bit - i.e. 'we are having a quiet night in tonight so maybe let's do lunch instead of tea? or coffee instead of lunch?'

Alternatively, if you are comfortable having the kids roam around - you could take times to retreat for self-care. Even if this is as simple as going to your bedroom to read or meditate (or anything relaxing) for a few minutes; it allows you that time to recoup so that things don't get too overwhelming. If there's other places you can go where you would feel more comfortable that could be an option too - such as a library or quiet cafe. Perhaps you could even let your neighbours know in advance that you're either going out or need a certain time to yourself - as this is an easy way to start to have some space of your own without coming across as rude.

and finally - see if you can try to manage your anxiety directly. What is it that makes you anxious specifically? How have you dealt with your anxiety in the past? Being able to focus on your breathing and manage your self-talk can help these situations become easier and easier.

Hope this helps,

[leavemealone]

What a great response, thank you so much.

They come over every day, several times, there is no pattern. They play in both front and back gardens and the parents use the garden to allow their kids to play in as they haven't got a garden/outside space of their own. I guess they do just talk to me/husband when they come over with the kids, but I don't want to talk to them, I like my home to be mine and not to feel guilty for cooking the dinner instead of talking to neighbours in my garden!

We haven't had lunch or dinner together yet but I'm sure it's a matter of time (we just moved in).

I locked the gate to prevent them accessing the back garden only to have the front door bell go and a kid push past me , I stopped him in his tracks and said sorry you'll have to come back I'm busy at the moment and he left, then I felt so awful about it. my brain is saying - in the most sarcastic way possible - "oh boo hoo, people want to hang out with you, how awful for you".

I'm not comfortable having the kids around but know for my own child it's so so so good for her to interact and not become a recluse like her mother, I just don't know how to deal with that. She actually said t them on Saturday why are you still here? why do you keep coming over?. ok so I was thinking exactly that, and I haven't voiced my opinion in front of her as didn't want her to say anything to our neighbours, but she must have picked up on how uncomfortable I am with the situation, do you think? I just felt like that moment was when I needed to get a grip on why I want to be alone all the time. They were just playing afterall.

You asked what makes me anxious specifically, and well to be honest people in my home is what makes me anxious, coming home from work and never knowing who I'm going to find there makes me anxious, having family over makes me anxious, I just don't like people in my space, isn't that just awful.

Thank so much for your reply, I'll take on board your suggestions of escaping to a quiet room/bedroom to recoup, that's a great tip and I have a feeling I'll be using it as soon as I'm home this evening.

I haven't really dealt with my anxiety in the past because I do not like talking to people, I saw a psychologist 6 or 7 times and had to stop because it mad me so anxious. I find writing things down helps me, but then worry someone will see it so I don't do that anymore, hence why I'm here, the anonymity is the best.

[Doolhof]

Hi leavemealone,

It certainly is a very open kind of set up having someone else's kids in your garden and home quite unexpectedly.

I'm wondering if you could have an open chat with the neighbours, or ask your husband to do so on your behalf if you find it too uncomfortable.

Could you set up times for the children to come over, with or without their parents. Maybe organise 2 or 3 afternoons a week or just the one! That way your child would also know what is going on. Maybe Thursday afternoon could be play time at your place for example.

You could say you have a medical condition you don't wish to discuss and sometimes you just need some peace and quiet. Most people should respect that. Explain that if the gate is shut, could they please stay out of the garden.

How do you feel if the children play in the front garden while you are at work?

I too would be concerned about running a child over. That must have been horrible!

If you don't feel at all comfortable with the meals thing, don't start it!

Is there a park close by, could you suggest you all go to the park sometime?

Setting boundaries early is a good idea!

All the best, cheers from Dools

[leavemealone]

Thank you Dools, I am 100% going to take that advise, my husband saw how upset i was this morning and called me at work (lovely) to say we will have a grown ups only chat once our little one goes off to bed and work out something to improve the situation. I am going to take your suggestion for a play afternoon, I'll aim for twice a week and see how it's received by the families around us. I think the best way to get the message out there will be to invite them over for a kids playdate and grown up drinks and make that plan together. I'm the worst at being assertive and hope I don't chicken out of the conversation.

In terms of mentioning medical problems how do you think that should be approached? should I do that one to one and hope he or she spreads the word to the others on the street? or maybe have my hubs tell them, just thinking about it all is giving me hot cheeks.

There is a park nearby, I'm not sure if it would work but I won't know until I try I guess.

I'm fine with them playing in the front garden when i'm at work but would like them to leave before I'm home to avoid me feeling the pressure of being social when I exit the car. Gosh, I wish I wasn't like this.

[Fwuffy]

Hi,

I felt I had to say something as I am very similar wth my feelings about privacy and space in my own home.

For years I grappled with a neighbour who would just walk into my house, hang over the fence and call out etc. I was afraid to be assertive, and when I tried to be she would become very upset, even call me weird because I did not find her actions acceptable.

I implore you to set your boundaries now, with your husband's help. Your neighbours lack of boundary awareness is at the point of making it dangerous for their own children!

Just because they say the owners of the house you are minding usually have an open door policy, it doesn't mean you have to. You are different people and are entitled to your own privacy and be respected for that.

You are not a recluse for wanting structured space where you are living. And your child is simply asking questions because they are not used to people behaving the way they are.

So glad you have your husband to help you. I think laying it out on the table now is the best idea. Even if it is received badly, you are doing nothing wrong by setting boundaries in your own space, how they react is not a reflection on you.

Sarah

[Doolhof]

Hi,

Guess you need to approach this anyway that makes you feel comfortable. Inviting the people over and maybe have your husband just explain you have a medical issue and need some quiet time might be enough. Get him to say you don't want to go into details.

You can organise the play dates, tell them they are all lovely people, you just need your space. Hopefully they will be understanding and accept this.

Communication is always best in every situation. It can seem very awkward at times, I understand that, but it will be worth it if it means you have the peace and quiet you need.

Who knows, you may feel more comfortable as time goes on. Just if it continues to be an issue, find ways to deal with stuff before it becomes overwhelming.

As you are already having the doors and gates shut now and then, the neighbours might start to understand you are not as free with your space and time as the original owners. An open and honest chat will be good for everyone to know what is expected.

All the best with that! Cheers from Dools

[leavemealone]

Sarah, thanks so much, I needed to hear that especially the part about my own child. I feel better now.

[Fwuffy]

I'm so glad what I said helped!

Sarah😊