First post, have been told writing helps....

Craigos · ‎08-06-2015

Hi all, this is my first post. Forgive my rambling but have been told writing it down helps. So here goes.

I grew up in a very rough family. Step father a very violent alcoholic and my mother a severe agoraphobic who took copious amounts of pharmaceuticals. I was beaten daily, worked from the age of 13 to support my family and left school and home at 15. Please don't think I'm looking for sympathy. Just context to my story. Honestly thought I was fine. I have worked most of my life. I'm currently 38. I have a wonderful wife and we have an amazingly smart if stubborn 16mth old girl. I thought everything was fine. I should be happy. Recently I have started having severe panic attacks. I can control it. I cry at stupid things. I never cry. Was always told it was weak. I cried at a FB post about a dog. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. As I said, stupid lol. I have been unable to work with any consistently for the last month. I can't sleep more than a few hours with my brain on the "what if" train. I'm constantly worried I'm letting everyone down. Worried my friends are noticing my change and are distancing themselves from me. I know it's all in my head. I feel useless because I control my basic emotions. My wife is so supportive. We have been to doctors and I have done bloods to rule out a physical issue. I just want to be normal.

Craigos · ‎08-06-2015

Again please don't think I'm whinging, I know a lot of people have it harder than me. I'm just trying anything to feel like my old self. If writing helps I'll try anything

LittleSteps · ‎08-06-2015

Sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed right now. I have similar feelings and find it just gets worse when you start worrying about what other people might start thinking of your behaviour, which just makes you feel worse. You are very blessed with a lovely supportive wife and a beautiful daughter. is there something you can do to focus on yourself for a bit ? A home project or a holiday? A hobby? Keep taking baby steps - you are stepping in the right direction.

pipsy · ‎08-06-2015

Hi Craigo. I don't think you're stupid. I think you're extremely sensitive. What a terrible upbringing, I'd be surprised if you didn't have 'flashbacks'. Are your parents still alive, do you see them? I think the first thing you need to do is believe you're normal. Your upbringing was inhuman (to say the least). What brings on the panic attacks, can you identify the cause. Maybe it's because you were unable to prevent what was happening to you. It made you feel helpless, this leads to feeling inadequate, even angry. None of it was your fault. Maybe you believe it was. You were told you were 'weak' when you cried, this is what bullying men believed. Your step-dad was a bully and (believe it or not), extremely weak, himself. I bet if a man attacked him, he'd run. Does your wife know your parents? Panic attacks are brought on usually because of situations out of our control. Are you on meds for anxiety. I think you need to see a G.P to maybe get a referral for a counsellor. BB have excellent counsellors. You sound a very sensitive, caring guy. Don't ever be embarrassed for being who you are. Once you have faced what's causing the panic attacks (with help), I think you will realize you have no more to fear. Do you have bad dreams? This is all caused by the feeling of not being able to escape the abuse. You had 15 years of Hell, it's hardly surprising what you're going through now.

All the best.

Craigos · ‎08-06-2015

Thanks for relying little steps. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. You hit it the nail on the head with the constant circle of thinking.

Once upon a time I had hobbies. I used to train 3-4 times a week. Unfortunately I am struggling with motivation. I walk into my weights room and can't seem to unlock the parts of me I need. It's frustrating. Just makes me more anxious in my thoughts. Hopefully my doctor can help. If I can sleep I'm sure it will be a massive step forward. Just need to switch off. I've tried guided meditation and have been prescribed melatonin to try and help......doesn't seem to work.....

Craigos · ‎08-06-2015

Hi pipsy, thank you for your kind words.

i haven't seen my parents for a good 20yrs. I honestly just wanted to cut them from my life.

I don't really have flashbacks although I used to have rage issues brought on when I thought of them. I took my anger into the weight room and ring. I now just feel sad for them. They have no idea what they did. So I just don't think about them. Not worth my time. It's interesting you ask about bad dreams. I don't dream lately due to my insomnia however I did have very vivid dreams. I used to think I had two personalities, one caged and one free. That was my dream. Looking at a base version of myself. All anger and violent . I used to be able to access that baser mentality when I trained. I can't seem to find it anymore, feel like the fire has gone out. If that makes sense. Sorry I seem to be rambling again......

Craigos · ‎09-06-2015

I've taken yet another day off work. I think I have had 3 hrs sleep the last few days. I'm bodily exhausted. Yet my brain keeps circling. Constant what ifs. How do I just go to my old happy self? The thought of going to work terrifies me. Will they judge me? Do they know? I'm trying to smile. Trying to move forward. Feel like I'm in slow motion. It's a struggle.

LittleSteps · ‎09-06-2015

Does your manager at work or HR know about your situation? They might put you at ease about coming into work. Or are you friendly with anyone there that you can talk to so you can suss out the situation? Believe me it is never as bad as you think it will be, and you will feel much better once you are there. I have had to return to work several times worrying the same thing. My upbringing was vastly different from yours but I lost my father when i was just 20, and my mother when I was 26 - both times I had to return to work wondering what people would be thinking or what they would say to me. Then years later I hate to return to work each time after I miscarried, Three miscarriages (1 started at work), and three more times I had to return to work. It was hard - really hard. But I felt much better after I had done it.

I find it is easier for me when I am really busy - sitting home is my worst enemy as I have too much time to think, to worry, to stress and then panic. At work, I can almost pretend nothing is amiss, and most of the time I get away with it.

You need some sleep. Can you look at things like meditation or putting music on when you sleep - something to keep your mind focused on something other than itself.? I would try the 4-7-8 breathing exercise - i did find that helped me sleep. Google it and you will find some good info on it.

If not - then it is definitely time to go visit the doctor again - see if they can provide someone who can help you get that sleep.

pipsy · ‎10-06-2015

Hi Craigo. I do agree with Little Steps about discussing with HR about how you're feeling. However, having said that, I'm wondering if there's anyone one else, a close friend who knows you and knows your situation. You do definitely need to talk to a professional counsellor. I feel a lot of hate from you, that in itself is not healthy. You say you don't hate your parents, or what they did to you, but I can't help thinking that that is what most of the problem is. There was no closure or apology from them, this can cause a lot of resentment to manifest itself in later life. Things that are seemingly unimportant to others might trigger an unwanted memory (half the time you, yourself are not aware). A chance remark, while not meant to hurt, can make you feel like exploding. An act of violence, not directed at you, can make you feel angry/sick. Maybe your job/boss makes you feel invalidated. At least have a think about talking to a counsellor, maybe someone from BB might be able to help you. Have you considered you may have Agrophobia? I don't know much about it, but it's worth considering. Your mum had it. Just a thought.