Build up and release

[Indra]

Today has been a particularly sad day for me. The high and low roller coaster begins to feel like the norm. I saw my GP on Wednesday and he is still pushing for meds and I am still reluctant, mainly to do with my children. I have found myself constantly pushing away my fiancée and it is  usually with negativity. I constantly feel jealous or the need to check on him - sometimes I feel he gives me cause, other times it's just me. I know part of the reason was my ex husband cheated on me and there is always a fear it will happen again. He is not as interested in me as before - intimately and sometimes just in general. We don't have the easiest of lives to deal with but he knew about most of it when he signed on. I did have a moment though today when I felt enough was enough with me and told him that I  won't stress on what he is doing anymore and concentrate on me. I was surprised with the reaction. Small steps forward....

[HA1]

Hi Indra!

I know how you feel, distrust and abandonment is something that is very close to me and my illness.

However, you left me in suspense; what was the reaction??

K

[Indra]

Hi K,

I thought my fiancée would have show complete disinterest when I said this to him but he actually surprised me by sounding a little hesitant and just a little wounded. He isn't an overly emotional person, but it was also a way for me to tell him that I shouldn't be taken for granted either. Thanks for your response - you gave me a smile with the last line! Cheers, Indra 

[HA1]

Hey Indra (love the user name!)

Well your partners reaction was pretty good; don't you think?  Well at least there are some positive signs there.

How are you going with your thoughts on meds?  In my opinion, give it a go and f you don't like the effect - cut it out (albeit with your GPs assistance).  I am still popping the jelly beans, but on my way to gradually reducing them. 

About that last line of your previous post, well it was like a mystery novel, I just had to know!!   Lol 🙂

Keep talking, you make me smile!

K

[Indra]

Hi K,

Thank you - having an alter ego for a user name was a challenge to pick and way more interesting than my very boring everyday name lol The end bit - it's a nice change to laugh out loud, I  think sometimes you almost forget to smile. My whole life I have been very serious with just cause though. I am hesitant with the jellybeans  (love it - would have gone with peanut M&M's only for the chocolate haha) for two reasons. I was put on them a million years ago at 19 and wasn't a pleasant experience back then. The other reason is that I feel I need to be 110% alert as I have two special needs children, with an underlying fear of if I ever had to go back to court for custody issues I would hate for that to implicate me if it arose. Very paranoid but I am heading this way with my 2nd ex. Glad that is off my chest! Talking when I get the opportunity I can for hours lol I think as I don't get to talk to a lot of people physically, it is like a flood gate opening when I do get the chance!! Having a dark, sarcastic sense of humour gets me by too 😜😜

Cheers Indra 

[HA1]

Hi Indra - I hope this finds you well.

Yes, I can sense your quirky sense of humour - that is nice, so please let it our here; we need as much of that as we can get.

You do seem to be in a difficult situation with regards to meds and your responsibilities to your children.  But ....., I  think that if you progress slowly and carefully, you might just find the right type of meds/treatment that wont affect your alertness.  

I am glad that you enjoy getting things off your chest, it is a great help. Please continue sharing.  Love your posts.

K

[Indra]

Hi there K,

Quirk is not the word for it lol I think having a sense of humour and being able to laugh has at times kept from falling to pieces. Thanks for the advice/encouragement about the meds, I have an appointment with my GP in a couple of weeks. It has been great to connect with another cyberfriend here - it is something that keeps me motivated!

Stay awesome ☺

Indra 

[HA1]

Hi Indra

Saw on a separate thread that your partner walked out on you and the kids today.  I am sorry, but on the other hand, if I may say so, you deserve someone better than a person who can do that, no matter what they are enduring themselves.  Sorry, a bit hard, I know.

Have you had a chance to gather your thoughts about the way ahead? 

I am here to continue to talk you through this difficult period - as are others.  So keep posting and let me know how you are feeling.

My thoughts are with you,

K

[Indra]

Hi K,

Firstly thank you for your support and honesty.

I think the honesty part was lacking with my partner. I am more devastated for my boys. At the moment I am feeling numb and haven't really thought about what is next. It's just another thing thrown my way that I have to work through. I know that I will move on in time and time is something that is here.

Indra

[HA1]

Ok Indra.

Just wanted to make sure you are OK.

Despite everything, you sound like you are staying strong; your children need you. 

Did your partner have anything to say at all before he exited?

K