Hello Bluey moon, I responded to one of your other threads and didn't receive a reply, but I want to have another go. I hope you won't take this harshly, because these are just questions for you to think about.
I see that you have said several times in this thread that you have thought about leaving your family, to spare them the pain - not that you're afraid they'll leave you, but questioning whether you should leave them, and how this would be an inevitable decision you would have to make if your worst diagnosis fears were confirmed.
Have you thought about why this is? Are you longing for an escape, to be free of responsibility for a while so you can regain a sense of self? Would getting a diagnosis of a severe mental illness somehow 'remove' you from society, isolate you, perhaps even validate you, and give you that opportunity?
You have, despite assurances, desperately kept seeking that elusive diagnosis from a number of professionals, even though that diagnosis will change nothing about the core details of your life, other than perhaps changing your current treatment path.
So is there a part of you that actually wants this diagnosis to be true, so you have an excuse to leave your family?
