Feeling like a failure

[Bluey_moon]

Feeling like I'm failing! 

The new meds I think are working ok, I'm not as anxious! 

But I googled tonight, epic fail! 

I just want to feel normal again! 

I know I have to work harder! 

Today I just  need encouragement!

[Bluey_moon]

Hey guys, I haven't posted here for a bit and I was struggling the last few days.

i think I just can't get past the fact all I have is anxiety and obsessive thinking.

I am constantly on the look out. At one stage a psych at the hospital mentioned bipolar, but my psychologist shot that down after doing an assessment. Then I was reading on here about BPD, and I wonder but I'm thinking they would have diagnosed this the amount of times I've been assessed.

Everytime I have a strange idea, or remember something from my past I try convince myself it means something.

means I have something they haven't found.

Its driving me crazy, I just can't let go?!

[Guest_5218]

Hi there Skye. Sorry to hear that your usual anxiety and obsessive thinking is a little elevated at present.

Are you stressed about anything at the moment? I know your little boy has been sick, is there anything else that could be contributing to you being more anxious than usual?

The reason I say that is because you sound like something is triggering this elevation of your usual symptoms. If you can pinpoint the reason and work on the cause then you may well find that your symptoms will reduce again.

Can I suggest that you sit quietly and take some deep breaths and try to 'center' yourself. When you feel calm enough to address the situation, make a plan. Write down some steps that you can take that will be positive and achievable. Use the rational side of your brain rather than giving way to runaway emotions. This could be as simple as getting out your letter from the mental health people that confirms you do not have anything other than anxiety.

If its any comfort to you, and for what its worth coming from a non-expert, it sounds like you are continuing to experience the typical signs of anxiety and obsessive thinking. Nothing more, and nothing less.

Anxiety can be a serious issue however, so never underestimate the affect that it has on us. For you to continue thinking you have something 'more serious' than anxiety is excessive and irrational. You know this to be the case because you have been tested many times for other disorders. But thats what anxiety does to us - it makes us irrational. These excessive health concerns of yours are ongoing and distressing and they are interfering in your daily life. But again, I stress to you, this is all indicative of anxiety and obsessive thinking.

Please dont wish some new disorder on yourself. Anxiety is enough to contend with. Relax ......... please.

Sherie xx

[Bluey_moon]

Thank you Sherie, for being a friend and a grounding influence! Anxiety definatly makes me irrational, as well as the obsessive thinking!

Thank you for being you!

[Dwwmills]

Hi Skye.



Sorry to hear been struggling for last few days but is good
to hear from you anyway.



I think Sherie has given some pretty fantastic advice on
what to do. Sometimes it can be helpful just to take a big deep breath and try
to consciously relax. Unfortunately OCD and anxiety can make it really hard to
let go at times. I found it helpful to set aside some time for myself where I
make a deal with myself that it’s just time for relaxing and I’m not going to
consider my worries or the real world for a short time. I do this when I really
get wound up and can’t find any other way. I try to do this but it doesn’t
always work but if it does I at least get a short time where I experience what
it’s like not to be anxious again. Doesn’t necessary fix any of the other
problems but it does give me a chance to relax.



I’m always amazed at the amount of insight you have into
your thinking which makes me think you could not be suffering from anything
else other than OCD and anxiety. I remember from my daughter’s OCD how hard it
is to convince someone their obsessions aren’t based on reality. When she was being
treated I can remember many times when she would come up and say “It’s only a
thought it’s not real. Isn’t it?” Even though she knew this was true it was
just very hard for her to believe it and needed reassurance to help.



Take it easy and give yourself a break when you can.

Cheers

Dean

[Bluey_moon]

Oh Dean,

It is so great to hear from you. First and most importantly, how are you? How is your eyesight going? Is everything on track after your stroke. I seem to remember also your daughter just had a birthday? Did she have a good time?

Yes, I'm thinking its Ocd and anxiety, but there is always that doubt, you know?!

You and Sherie would be happy to know the voice thingy is put to bed. I know it was my anxiety, causing me to misinterperate or be more sensitive to things.

At the moment my current obsession is the random thoughts I have. I have posted this before but not sure if it was on this thread. I had a random thought that some people I communicate with on this forum were in my imagination, then my mind ran away with that and I thought what if this life wasn't real. Craaaaazy!!! And not for a minute did I think it was true but it made my anxiety soar. I have told 2 psycologists about this and they just said everyone has random thoughts. then I had a random thought that the proffesionals knew I was crazy but it was a joke to them. Also when the psycologist didn't call me back today, a thought that I didn't actually ring her popped in my mind. All these I know weren't true, but they caused anxiety anyway, me thinking what if I started to beleive them?! Intrusive random thoughts, I think is what they are, as my psycologist says I have a great imagination.

The doubt and overthinking is tiring! But I keep reading my letter Sherie!!

[Dwwmills]

Hi Skye.

My recovery is going well, my eyesight is improving and I
started back at work last week at a reduced capacity. Specialist I see say my
recovery is remarkably quick but to me it seemed a little on the slow side. The
biggest hurdle now is being able to drive again. I can’t believe how
restrictive it has been. I’m seeing an ophthalmologist this Friday so hopefully
they can sign off on it. I try not to think about it as it drives me crazy.

My daughter had an 18th birthday and my son had
his 21st birthday all within a week of one another so it’s been a
tad busy. I want to make them some jewellery as they are milestone birthdays.
My daughter still hasn’t decided what she would like but my son would like a
skeleton watch. That should be an interesting project as I need to order a
movement from Switzerland, cut out all the excess metal so that you can see all
the wheels when you look through the front of the watch. I’ll need to make the
case as well to put the movement in so it’s going to be a bit of fun. The whole
birthday in present thing would have been much easier if I could drive but I’m
not letting that get to me.

Good to hear that your voice thingy is sorted. The random
thoughts and OCD are quite amazing. I can remember my daughter having all sorts
of thoughts when she had OCD. She knew rationally that they were just thoughts
but there was always a doubt in her mind that they may be real. Even though she’s
fine now (10 years later), occasionally she will have a thought that she has to
consciously tell herself is not real and just a thought. She is doing really
well at the moment and she can drive which must be nice for her.

I’ve been having problems with random thoughts or to be
exact random dreams. Apparently this can be a side effect from the stress of
having a stroke. Luckily they don’t really worry me but they can be quite bizarre.
They range from losing a sock or a shoe to really quite horrific stuff no one
needs in their head. Sometimes I can even drive a car, how crazy is that? They
seem to be coming less frequent now so hopefully they’ll drop off altogether.

Sky whilst you seem to be worried about random thoughts you
do seem to be in a better frame of mind at the moment. I hope you have a good
day. I’m going to continue not thinking about driving and get on with work.

Cheers

Dean

[Bluey_moon]

Dear Dean,

Thank you again for taking the time to respond!

Wow what a busy time you have had! Wow they are so lucky to have a dad like you, so talented!

It would be awful not to be able to drive, but hopefully that shall be short lived. I am so glad you are recovering so well!

Im so glad your daughter is now doing so well!

Im sorry about your bad dreams they must be awful!

Keep positive about the driving it will happen soon!

SKye

[Bluey_moon]

So I was very proud of myself today, and it come after a week of high anxiety!

A few things lead to the decision! One a conversation with my husband this morning: we were talking about how I was scared I would "lose it", he said I'd rather that then your constant doubt, you think you are anyway so what difference would it make, I'd love you anyway.

The second was a conversation with a HR person from my head office. I told her about the last year and she called me an inspiration and how proud she was about how I was facing my mental health problems head on!

So I've decided to trust in me and the proffesionals. Trust that is my anxiety and Ocd causing all of these issues. And I will move on! I will grow bored with anxiety and I will start living my life!

[Dwwmills]

Hi Skye.

It sounds like you’ve come to a decision that will give you a bit of peace of mind. Your husband sounds like a lovely man. Knowing that your partner will support you no matter what is a very comforting thing.

Giving anxiety less oxygen and getting on with your life is helpful. Using energy to make good things happen is very rewarding and helps build confidence. I found this has worked well for me. The only thing I would caution about is completely ignoring anxiety. I found that this hasn’t worked in the long run as things build up rather than being dealt with in smaller lots. That said though only giving anxiety as much time as it absolutely needs is a good thing and frees up time to pursue the important things in life.

I’m very excited for you! You deserve a break as you’ve worked very hard on this for a long time.

Cheers

Dean

[Guest_5218]

That is fantastic news Skye. A truly wonderful decision not only for yourself, but also for your kids and your caring and very supportive and loving hubby. And also for your work - how great it is that your HR people are so helpful and supportive. And your HO HR person is right too - you are an inspiration, and you should be proud of yourself.

So well done! Now lets bring on the boredom with anxiety ........... and a much happier and more productive life.

You are inspirational Skye, certainly to me anyway. I hope I can be as strong as you are in my own efforts to treat anxiety as boring. If you have some tips, please share!

I'm truly happy for you Skye.

Much love,

Sherie xx