Feeling defeated

[Laurila]

Hi there,

This is my first post as I am a new member here. I'm reaching out for support as I feel like I've come to a dead end and I don't know what to do next.

I've struggled with anxiety for my entire life. I've tried medication but I didn't like how it made me feel numb, so eventually I came off when I felt ready. I see a psychologist on a regular basis and have been for quite some time. I try and exercise a few times a week, I've even joined a soccer team. I eat relatively healthy as I notice when I eat unhealthy I feel more anxious and down. I meditate, although I could do this more regularly. I have a supportive family and an amazing partner who understands and does what he can to support me when I need it.

I am 27 and I guess I've put so much time and effort into managing my anxiety that to have it resurface again and again...it becomes exhausting. At the moment I have a career that is very demanding and I know it triggers my anxiety but I can't leave it because of finanacal reasons and because I would feel like a complete and utter failure if I did leave. I worked so hard to get into this career and I'm finally there. Now that I'm there, I struggle on a daily basis to regulate my emotions and be present. At work, my mind fly's so fast all day and I don't usually get breaks. It leaves me feeling so emotionally drained. I then feel I have little to give to my partner and to my friends and family because all of my energy goes into work.

As a result of the ongoing stress and anxiety I have started to become numb. This scares me. I am usually a very caring person, but because I feel so depleted of energy, I feel I have nothing left in my tank to give. I'm getting sick in a regular basis because of the stress too.

The stress is turning me into someone I don't like. My usual strategies are not working. If you have experienced something similar to me I would love to hear from you!!

[LesDave]

Hello. Glad you decided to speak with us. Look, as you have found out it's tough with anxiety. But put that aside and look at it like it is anything else you struggle with. Every time you let something in your mind win, it gets a little shot of dopamine. Obviously the winning traits take over your life. That is largely what has happened to most of us here. So the question in the end is how to break the habit and get back to the normal. Which is a very tough and long journey because it means confronting the anxiety and defeating it. If you look at the start of the Anxiety forum you can see the self help tips. Most of it is associated with getting into the present moment and defeating the noise that creates the anxiety in the first place. it can really be a tough job, but little by little you will win. I have personally just gone through the hardest few months of my life. I know you can win. Trust me, you will win, it just takes a lot of practice.

[Jason87]

Hi Laurila,

My first post as well. I’m 32 years of age and anxiety has crippled me my whole life and has worsened over the last 10 years mainly through self medicating.

Ive kept it secret most of that time. And had brief periods where my symptoms have subdued due to sporting achievements, but I regret playing in the first place because it took focus away from my issues.

I can see it effects both my parents as well but they never spoke about it or tried to seek any help. I don’t want to blame them but was brought up in a house where feelings didn’t exist.

I became a social drug users in my 20’s to help me feel comfortable. And for the first time I felt confident, which lead to a period of about 10 years where I would consume drugs every weekend to chase that feeling. I had little idea at the time that I was in desperate need for help and for the last 6 year of my drug taking I suffered from extreme paranoia. The reason I took drugs in the first place ended up having adverse effects. I stopped taking drugs 3 years ago but still use alcohol in social settings.

I have had a partner for the last 10 years and recently got married, it’s only recently that I let her in on my condition and even then not the full extent.

My anxiety is generally but not only connected to social settings. I can engage with someone in a 1 on 1 situation but as soon as it’s a group setting I can never feel comfortable and it becomes obvious.

I have become reclusive and perceived as “weird” from people I used to hang around with. It has stop me from applying myself in any sorts of career and has left me empty. I love my wife with everything I have and want to be able to support her and give her the love and focus she deserves.

I need to get serious about fighting this terrible beast as I don’t want to pass it onto another generation.

All the best with your fight.

Jason

[sadstone42]

Hi I'm sad stone, I call the help line everyday but it doesn't get me through my hard times, ever since mum died iv feeling lost like the world hates me. my dad isn't very nice to me and I not have many friends. I get called tranny everyday im looking for help and friends...

[BJ1989]

Hi Laurila,

I posted for the first time a short time ago and this is my first reply in another thread. Your story really resonated with me. The things I have always done to manage just aren't working. I have a good job, and although I don't love it and would like to change career paths I know that my position and connections made through this will help me enter a field I am genuinely passionate about it. Sometimes my anxiety worked in my favour - it would drive me and I could channel the nervous energy into real energy. I realise it wasn't healthy, but I had to ride the wave when it came. this just doesn't happen any more. I have been proud of the fact I worked so hard to get into my current role which the company created for me, to keep me on board and keep improving my opportunities for growth. I feel awful that my productivity has fallen, I'm not doing a good job and this is feeding all of the negative aspects of my anxiety.

I understand when you talk about feeling 'numb'. I fear I am heading down that track because I want to disconnect so that I can keep up appearances at work. And that's all it is now, is appearances. I'm not doing a good job, I'm just keeping afloat. And like you, I'm left with nothing left to give to my partner, friends and family. I feel terrible that I'm making work the priority but it has become such a huge part of how I define myself and my success that although I hate it at times and it is so draining, that's where I keep landing. I don't know how to break the cycle.