Fear of driving

[Richju]

I have a fear of driving in unfamiliar places and I easily give into this fear, making excuses such as my poor sense of direction, my failing eyesight due to my cataracts. But the real reason is that I'm afraid of the fear itself. 

After all, driving is a risky persuit. I'm afraid that I will do something unwise and cause an accident, if I panic. I don't like that feeling of fear sitting in my stomach. 

Just thinking of driving in the city incites feelings of dread. I learnt to drive to my son's house, very close the city but there are so many roadworks on that route now, I have lost confidence, fearing I might take a wrong turn and end up in the city. And when I have plucked up the courage to drive over to my son's, I don't enjoy myself, as I'm worried about the return journey.

The GPS is helpful but not infalible. I remember the friendly voice advising me to make a u turn on a freeway once!

I have asked friends to accompany me when venturing to new places but each time they just say, 'There's nothing wrong with your driving.'

But there's obviously something wrong wirh me! Can anyone offer advice please.

Regards,

Richju

[Illbeok]

Hello Richju, I totally understand how you feel! It's a bit different situation but from my experience, what worked for me was that (I was scared of driving on free-ways at high speed and also getting lost) I choose very quiet road and I deliberately drove very very slowly until I feel ok (sometimes I turned on hazard lights to let people know I was struggling), I realised if I just imagine I was the only person who is driving there and don't care about upsetting other drivers I felt a little bit easier. I can take time to think and decide which way to take, when to turn. I also take some different but familiar ways when I drive home from work, just to expose myself. Asking my sister to take the passenger seat for support made it worse for me, I felt more scared when she wasn't with me. This might not work for you but just keep practicing, don't give up!!

[Richju]

Dear Illbeok,

Thank you very much for your suggestions but I'm wondering why you were more nervous with your sister in the car? I much prefer to have someone in the passenger seat. Perhaps it's because I like to chat when I'm nervous. Thanks again though, especially for the idea of putting the hazard lights on.

Kind regards,

Ruchju xx

[therising]

Hi Richju

I can definitely relate. There are some places I just won't drive. I found giving myself permission to not have to drive in those places makes it a relief. Living in Melbourne, there is no way you'll get me driving all around the city. I have a serious fear of hook turns for a start. I can drive straight through the city if I've got no choice and I'll do the outskirts as well but only if I've again got no choice. I find it's just not worth the stress. Sometimes I'll take a train to get in there. Not having a lot of confidence in catching public transport is a whole other issue, based on this not being something I practice all that much. Practice makes perfect, hey.

I think one of my greatest challenges with driving can come down to when there's a lot of signage, especially in unfamiliar places. Usually I'll take a navigator with me, someone who can read all the signs and direct me while I keep my eyes on the road. I figure, when there's so much to take in (signs, cars, pedestrians, lights, trams etc etc) that's an enormous amount of info for the brain to be processing all at once. It can definitely become overwhelming and stressful. Sometimes I can manage a stressful drive by talking myself through it. I'll even do it out loud if I have to. Kind of like 'Breathe, you've got this. It's not as stressful as you think. Just breathe. In and out, in and out. Long slow breaths. Vent the stress out through your breath. You'll get to where you're going and anyone who beeps you is a b****rd. The more beeps you get from someone means the bigger the b****rd they are. The beeping means they're out to prove this as a fact 😁'. Stuff like that. Allowing more than enough time to get somewhere also helps on occasion. Giving myself time to get lost on the way to somewhere new means I don't stress too much if I take a few wrong turns. I've got the time to do that and still reach my destination on time. Learning to laugh at myself also helps on occasion. If I take a wrong turn, instead of saying to myself 'You're hopeless' or 'You're so stupid', I like to say 'You're so funny, getting lost for the 4th time'. 

I think some people have no issues driving through challenging traffic, they thrive on it or it just doesn't bother them too much. Some people don't like it because it's just too stressful. I know which of those I am and that's okay. Seeing there can be so many different ways to get to a destination, sometimes it's about choosing which one we'll use on any occasion (driving our self, taxi, a friend driving, bus, train etc). Btw, there are actually 7 significant words that trigger my nervous system something shocking and when someone says them to me, I say 'You know I can feel what you just said to me'. The words are 'Can you drive me to the airport?'. 😅

[Illbeok]

Hi Richju, what I meant was that I became somewhat dependent on my sister's support and I became more anxious when she was not with me and felt that I couldn't drive all by myself anymore... sorry for my poor English.. I hope you can find good strategies for your driving! 

[tranzcrybe]

True, roads have become increasingly congested with behaviours of some drivers unpredictable if not inconsiderate, but I commend you on showing awareness of a sense of some limitation (many don't).
Any vision impairment would only compound anxieties, so perhaps a chat with your GP could refer you to the specialist to address this concern at least.
If the prognosis is not favourable, it may be time to use public transport or stump up for a taxi/Uber - check if any concessions apply to your situation also.
One other option is to invite your son over to see you: go out for a meal, or find something special to share to offset his imposition, if any.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Richju,

A thought just came up which might seem like an unusual way of thinking about it, but in case it helps I’ll just mention it.

Quite a few years ago I went to an outdoor cinema to see a film. I can’t remember what it was called, but it was about a man who had experienced abuse as a child but had found healing working with horses. He was extremely kind and gentle with the horses and could calm them if they were anxious, and they calmed him too.

On the way home I was driving by myself. I realised I was often tense while driving and worried I was going to take a wrong turn, especially at night. So I went back into the film I’d just watched and remembered this kind man. When he was riding the horses he was never forceful and guided them gently. So I thought about how I was driving my car and began to embody that gentleness. I imagined I was guiding my car as I’d watched this man gently guiding horses. I let go of the tension in my body and directed kind, gentle energy towards the car. I know that sounds bizarre, but it worked. I just did everything with gentleness and present moment awareness and it was a really pleasant drive home. Back then I was driving a manual car too which is more hands on, so I was guiding the car along in a thoughtful, gentle way while being calmly aware of things around me too.

 I don’t know if that just sounds totally weird, but I was basically applying the same principle of being nurturing and kind to an animal to the car. I’m quite sure my blood pressure went down, my heart rate went down and my relaxation response at least partially came online, while still being alert and attentive to driving.

You are definitely not alone with the driving anxiety. I have a friend who got her license in the country but now lives in the city and doesn’t drive because of the anxiety she has around it. I think if you can find a way to inner calm, while obviously still being attentive, it may possibly help.

Also, if you do make a wrong turn and end up on an unfamiliar street, see if you can just go one step at a time. Look for a safe place to pull over which gives you a chance to re-orient yourself. You can look to see where you are on google maps (or whatever maps you use) and take the time you need to clarify where you are and ways to proceed to your destination. Remember you don’t need to panic, just breathe and know you will find a way. Looking at the map while parked can help clarify where you are if you are concerned the voice directions may not be 100% accurate. I have a very old car with no map/guidance system so I actually memorise the route by looking at google maps before I start my car journey. I prefer this to listening to Siri telling me what to do on my phone. For me personally this keeps my perceptual skills honed and accurate as I’m relying on them and the mental map I formed from looking at the map beforehand. Everyone is different though as some people don’t like looking at maps. So I would say just try to see what works best for you.

Remember you always have time and you can calmly keep driving even if you do get lost temporarily and can pull over and re-orient. You can always choose routes beforehand too such as choosing quieter streets, such as Illbeok does, and also find routes where you won’t have to turn right across traffic at busy intersections, that sort of thing. I hope that helps a bit.

Best wishes,

ER

[Richju]

Dear Therising, Illbeok, Transzcrybe and Eagle Ray,

Thank you all so much for your helpful replies. 

I particularly like the ideas of talking to yourself when driving and guiding your car gently. My car is old too. Her name is Cleopatra and she's a reliable girl. (I enjoy weird!)

It's the fear I'm frightened of. When I have to drive in an unfamiliar place, I feel this fear and often give in and take a taxi! However, I realise that fears have to be faced and I'm trying to use different routes to familiar places as a start and I'm keeping a diary of those achievements. 

I hoping to overcome!

Kindest regards to you all,

Richju xxxxxxx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Richju,

 I just managed to find the name of the movie I saw that helped me feel really calm driving my car home afterwards. It’s a documentary film called Buck. So I internalised the gentle energy of the guy in the film and the way he guides horses. Even now I sometimes think of that film if I feel a bit stressed while driving and it works. I think if you feel calm everything else becomes easier. Even if you do take a wrong turn and get a bit lost you can say to yourself it’s ok and take the time you need to re-orient. Keeping a diary of your achievements is a great idea and you will be able to see progress that you are getting more confident.

 I love that you call your car Cleopatra 😊 Maybe I should give mine a name. She is 24 years old, quite old in car years. Though I feel she is still young in spirit 😂

Take care and all the best,

ER

[therising]

Hi Richju

Good strategy, different routes to familiar places. There are certain intersections or ways that stress me out and taking routes that don't involve them is usually my way to go. If I've got no choice but to go through those intersections or along those ways, as mentioned I'll talk myself through them. I've actually had people make fun of me for avoiding certain areas. This used to lead me to feel degraded in some way until I decided I'd have some fun myself, with their comments. 'Why would I consciously choose intersections or ways that stress me out? Aren't these the same places that trigger you, to anger? Do you think you might have issues, actually choosing ways that lead you to become angry? What's up with that? Why don't you just avoid them, it's so much easier'. Sometimes I'll get people arguing with me 'But you don't understand. So many drivers in those intersections or along those ways are so stupid, erratic, slow, unpredictable etc. It's angering. Makes you want to scream at times'. Again, why be triggered, one way or another? Road fear or road rage, I figure it's all stress. At the end of the day, we gotta look after our nervous system. 🙂