ex believes anxiety is an excuse or justification for my past behaviours

[justmatt]

Hi All - my wife left our relationship about a year ago, just after she got me to finally get a professional assesment on my mental health (Ill admit, my behaviour over the years significantly contributed to the breakdown of our marriage) So It turns out I have suffered worsening severe depression and anxiety for goodness knows how long (maybe 20 years) - Having embraced that, working with clinical psyc. and a good GP and medication plan, I feel I'm in a much better place than I have been in years. Which is a great feeling.

The hardest thing for me is to try to get her to understand that those behaviours came from a place I didn't realise I was acting from - rather than her point of veiw, which is that she believes i'm just using the explanation of anxiety and depression as an excuse for the way I acted in the past, and that old patterns will just re emerge over time, which is very much standing in the way of us becoming friends again and working towards reconciling. I'm sure I cant be alone with this scenario, I'd just really welcome some suggestions about how to tackle this.

P.S. - I have asked her to have a look at some of the stories on here, but there is a lot to take in if it's not specific.

Thanks in advance

M

[white knight]

Hi Jm welcome

One of the difficult things to separate with mental illness is- is it the mental illness or the personality? We dont know for certain if anti behaviour is one or the other. We cant glue all our behaviour to mental illness. While MI doesnt help it isnt often the prime cause...things like immaturity, anger management etc more direct causes. Thats just my view.

If you do end up reconciling and an action is repeated that irritates her, but is part of your makeup, then that would reconfirm her belief. That is your difficulty imo, that there's a lot of bad memories. Some people can move forward from them, others cant.

Every relationship is different. I was told by a friend after my marriage broke up and was considering going back to her...."never go backwards " upon reflection he was right, for me anyway.

Many people hang onto broken relationships when compatibility isnt ideal anyway. This is your challenge, can your past be buried?

For the complexities to be ironed out a relationship councilor would be essential. If she doesnt want to attend- go by yourself as it will help you.

Good luck.

TonyWK

[justmatt]

Thanks WK,

I appreciate the the objective point of view and I do understand how personality traits and MI can mix and therefore it's a grey area as to the responsibility regarding the accountability for behaivours. My concern is about the wholesale dismissal of the A & D element being a factor at all and the refusal to acknowledge it as being part of the issue.

I know I'm no angel, but no relationship is perfect, either. There was no abuse in our relationship, just a degradation of closeness and communication. After we split I started working hard to find some answers and thats going well -we may or may not get back together but I'd really like for the mother of my son to have a little more of an idea of what got the better of me (mentally) and why I feel my actions pushed her away (which I didnt understand then, either)

I'm not trying to excuse myself, for me It's getting her to acknowledge it that is something real in my life- which I have to deal with & manage- that is the challenge.

I hear your point about "not going back".. I don't see us as highly likely to reconcile, but I would like for her to have a better idea of what I live with rather than just deny it, especially given we're both committed to our boys' upbringing

Thanks, Though.... good food for thought

[white knight]

thanks JM for that clarification. Sometimes it takes much more than a first post to "get it" as I do now.

Communication and "closeness" would degrade when a person has A and/or D. However what you are wanting (and totally understandable) is empathy for your disorders and that is a major topic in itself. Google

Beyondblue topic they just wont understand- why?

The first post of that thread I suggest that those without a mental disorder find it impossible to comprehend any of the facets of MI. They cant see it, they cant touch it, they can be naïve of the complexities of it, they might not therefore be interested in it as they just see you as a challenge not reasons for behavior/closeness or any other issue and so forth.

In fact this has been such a topic her eon this forum I wrote this poem once to highlight it.

LEGS OF SPOKE

How can I let them know?
When the dark exceeds the glow
When the sun hides behind the clouds
Silence they hear...but I scream so loud.

Some stand beside a 6 foot hole
Shake their heads and see its toll
They ask how he could have dropped
Out of the circle -a forget me knot

Yet they seem to see clear and there is hope
When they sight a person with legs of spoke
A crippled girl pushing her chair
A man be manic- there's no one there.

"Storm in a tea cup" hurts so bad
Like the cyber crow who remains so glad
Keeps flying and in full flight
Achieves his art...in the middle of the night

For some in power see it their way
Even at the side of a 6 foot grave
Shake their head and call out "why"
"Why on earth- he didnt have to die".

So kind some be they reach out so true
Smile away "we want to meet you"
Bring along your vintage car and your smile"
But leave - what's behind your dial.

So we laugh and dine and all's ok
Leave at home come what may
If I be saddled with legs of spoke
They'd lift me around- bloody good bloke.

But as my mind hurts so bad
Cannot hide my feelings- mad?
Can no longer be bloody good bloke
Sometimes I wish.....
I had legs of spoke...…

So what does this mean? It means you'd be struggling to get her to understand enough to have the compassion, empathy or understanding that you require to get the end result- a friendship or more from the mother of your child.

Imagine you are a car fanatic. You have run a bearing in your engine. You ring a friend that knows zilch about mechanics and try to explain it all. Some people don't have the capacity to understand nor accept explanation.

TonyWK

[justmatt]

Thanks TonyWK

It's a powerful metaphor & probably what I didn't really want to hear, but I can see what your'e saying. Sometimes I guess we just have to be resigned to the fact that some people won't understand & that we have to leave them to their respective paradigm and do the best we can for ourselves, moving forward.

If there happen to be any "successes" out there, where people have had their friends or family actually have 'lightbulb' moments, or reasons for changing their position- towards understanding and empathy, where they mightn't have been previously... Id love to hear about those things,too

Thanks Again TonyWK