EMOTIONAL DISTRESS ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH

[Shivers88]

Hi there,,

im very distressed and anxious about my health 😞 basically having intrusive thoughts and ending in full blown panic attacks! Which ended me up in bed for weeks and crying like no tomorrow.. This is hard Journey for me, as the thoughts I've never really experienced like this, harming my children or thinking I'm a pedophile or something stupid like that, it freaked me out. So I started to fight these thoughts out of my head which didn't work, and it snow balled. I felt like I was going crazy!!

Anyway, since then I've been feeling guilty about these thoughts and can't quite shake it off, I'm seeing someone and it's helping but today in particular in finding myself like every other day googling my symptoms, to the point where I'm so anxious I'll keep going until I'm satisfied 😞 I hate it it sucks!! It's like an addiction constantly googling shit to "find" or "self diagnose" I've also been suffering some sadness, but j avoid those feelings and just "keep going" with life you know? I've adjusted to my partner doing FIFO 2/1 and it pretty much happened a week after that, which didn't help at all really... It triggered me off. Do I take meds if I'm feeling really miserable,? I have constant brain fog as If a black cloud is in my head, no clarity or anything 😞 it's debilitating 😞

[Shivers88]

Hi carol,

can you recommend any? And what was it you have? Depression or anxiety?

[Jessme]

Hi shivers,

I have the same problems you do. I have had OCD and health anxiety for about 2 decades now and I'm 28. I was in the brain fog situation about 3 months ago. It started after I googled myself into a panic attack and couldnt undo the information I had read. My advice ( seemed to have worked in the past) and was given to me by a psychologist. Don't ever fight the obsessive thought and also don't entertain it. Just let it exist. If you fight it or entertain it, it will take you on a carousel ride. This is easier said than done. Medication is only a foundation for me. I have to really work on meditating to try and break the rut. I believe Google Doesnt work to relieve worries ( information isn't objective when you have obsessions) and you'll see the worst possible outcome. There are some good clips on YouTube about remapping neural pathways explaining how negative thinking breeds more negative thoughts etc.

[Shivers88]

Hi,

i understand. But I get the addiction that I have to know all the time!! Allll the time! If I don't I'm constantly worried and if I do I find out things I don't want too and then I worry more. I'm always stress driven. It's insane 😞 help!!!

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Shivers,

I was being treated for depression and anxiety when on the meds. We are not allowed to talk about specific brands but I have tried SSRI, SNRI and a trycyclic ADs.

I never lost my "ability to feel" on any of them, nor did they make me feel spaced out. I had been worried about that side effect too. What I did notice was that the extremes of emotion I had felt before eased. So I was no longer distraught and crying all day and my feelings of despair and uselessness went away. It enabled me to get myself together to start getting better.

I did have some side effects but just spoke to the GP and worked through them. The GP was easily able to help change things to look after me.

That stressed feeling may ease too. I was massively worried about not doing housework (I have chronic pain) and the meds made me stop worrying about it - that was a really nice bonus. I am no longer taking any ADs.

I hope this helps.

Cheers,

Carol

[katiebkn]

Omg shivers 88..

I feel like I just read my own story.

So what I'm doing right now is trying to find clarity.. trying to look up to see if anyone else is like me. I have been on the verge of a breakdown all day. I am ready to ball my eyes out.

My intrusive thoughts happened a few years back... like you exactly like you about my kids..

I don't know how but after 6 months or more of being really sick with panic and anxiety I ended up getting through.

But a few months back out of the blue they came back.. I never thought I'd ever be like that again and bang I'm here.

I am on medication however I don't think it's helping as its different to what I was on a few years ago.

I'm finding being a stay at home mum is probably making it worse... I had another baby 1 yr and 6 months ago... my partner has been away and ive lived with her and my other kids alone. No probs....

Till now.... I've basically moved back to my parents because I am afraid to be alone.

I love my kids but it's so hard being around the one thing that triggers these thoughts..

Now I've fallen into a depressive Hole and can't get out.

I feel like I'm absent because I'm so stuck in my head it's like you I have to Google these intrusive thoughts to try get some answers to make myself feel better. It's like it just takes over and it won't let me just be normal. I hate it I am exhausted to hun. Really tired I just don't want to live if this is what it's going to be like.

I never thought I wld have these thoughts about my 1 year old as she really has been my strength.. it's like my anxiety wants to push away the important thing to me.

I constantly question is it ocd... I don't have rituals like checking or washing hands but it's like the thought pattern is obsessive and I Google or go on here for relief???

My counsellor says it's just anxiety.. I don't feel he is helping me at all.

I hope we can find help and answers. Much love to you xx

[Shivers88]

OMG! KATIEBKN!

You are me all over!

Intrusive thoughts are are definietly an anxiety disorder, for me I think some of it is OCD driven but I don't have rituals mine are definietly obsessive thought, that sometimes I have that come and just go easily then others are like WOW! When I had my thoughts, it was like I was experiencing an out-of-body experience (depersonalisation) didn't feel like I was in my body then those thoughts came and bam I had a break down! I was already very distressed form partner moving to FIFO role, and making storie up in my head that he would find someone else (anxiety) and then it took its toll! I was in bed for 2 weeks, being around my kids would trigger the thoughts off, and I'd sit and cry in bed and feeling sorry for them and I'll feel guilty as those thoughts were never true but I couldn't make them go away. I was lucky mum was here, because it was almost like a feeling of compulsion where you don't know what the thoughts would lead too yeah? I would almost have to stop myself and shut myself away cause the feeling of them thoughts were so strong an unbearable. I have since then had therapy and natural anti depressants, which have helped me with anxiety and getting out and actually being with my kids. I'm much better now, that's not to say I'll have another attack soon, as this was only 2 months ago. I've also had alt of things that's happened in the passed. And even my own partner can set my triggers off. Which leads me to be a worry mess, angry, irritable and impatient. So I'm doing prolonged psychotherapy Hun, and it's helping. Have you tried meditating? I can give you tips of guided meditation and apps that'll help you maybe?

[katiebkn]

Hey hun thankyou so much for getting back to me.. sounds like we have experienced the same thing..

I haven't been on here for a few weeks because even though it was always in the back of my head it wasn't taking over. .. until today..

I was driving to see my partner and it's a long drive..

Bang I had a thought like what you were saying about a compulsion.. but because I cldnt lock myself away I started to feel like I was going to have a panic attack and then I'd calm myself down then it would come back... so on and so forth.. felt like I was only half there when I saw my partner..

Drive home was ok coz I knew I was going to my mum.

But I felt like when I got back to mums I was really grumpy and depressed and I couldn't enjoy being with my mum and little girl but I do feel safer being with mum. How shit is that.

That I can't be on my own.

I don't know how or where to get help.. I don't know who is good to go to with ocd..

I know I have anxiety but from what I'm going through and it sounds very similar to you.. it sounds like ocd.. well I hope it is ocd..I know that sounds funny but it's better than being what I fear I am. 😞

Another thing I can't watch much news.. If I here anything on sexual abusers or murderers I start to feel panic like what if that's me.. what if what I'm feeling and these thoughts is going to end me up like one of these psychos.. it really fkn scares me. Now I feel even more horrible admitting that.

Please if anyone can give me some contacts for counsellors that I cld benefit from that wld really help.

It was really nice talking to you hun and I wish you the world of happiness.. I'm always here if you wanna vent.

Xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Katiebkn,

It must be hard going through this.

Why don't you give the BB helpline a call on 1300224636 or start a chat or email (scroll down to see link at the bottom of the page). They should be able to point you in the right direction.

Alternatively you can pop into a GP and have a chat and they should be able to give you a referral.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Shivers88]

Hi KATIEBKN,

hun you're not alone! What you just wrote then, is me all over. I get that way when I drive alone or even when I'm driving alone with kids, or kid.

I hate hate wathcing the news I get prone to panic attacks and anxiety as I think that some of these nurderers and Pheodephiles, that are on the news I constantly think OMG what if I become one of those, and kill someone, or what if I hurt my own kids etc it ruins me!!!! I absolutely hate it. You know when I started gettig these thoughts id search the internet high and low to see what it was related too, I frickin thought my life was over I though I was a psychopath literally.

I freaked out in panic once again. No could be around kids even when my mum isn't around I get slightly frightened to b Alone with kids etc. not so much now but earlier it was soooo bad girl!

im more relaxed now and I do mindfulness meditation which help me create space for these thoughts.

Anyway a u I found a blog with a lady who had the same thing as U.S., I couldn't even rea sit , I was that scared!!! I thought I'd she something like, schitzophrenia, psychopath, sociopath, or bi polar.. I didn't tn is what to think. I started reading up OCD and it started making more sense. I still sometimes get these thoughts and obsessions and still think at times what if' what if that. It turns out I've had OCD for ages. Obsessive thoughts, mental undoing, mental resetting, along with Gad! It's very distressing babe! And it is just anxiety! Ring BB and ask for a referral! The more therapy the better of you! I chose natural meds too! Good luck.

ps: how you feeling today?

[Cornstarch]

I may be reading too much between the lines and may be wrong. But your posts scream trauma to me. Not depression. Not anxiety. Not OCD. Not all the other DSM lingo bingo jingo we all like to Google and self-diagnose to find answers, but trauma. Possibly you have both, that is very common and should never be made light of by anyone. If you do have both, a biological/genetic thing as well as trauma, that requires help from a qualified professional who has seen it all.

Intrusive thoughts are very common with depression. Something that I've always observed is women who have post natal depression can never ever ever forgive themselves for the thoughts they had whilst unwell, of harming their baby. They never recover from that thought. But as it is a common feature, there has to be some sort of biology going on. Why would they all be the same? Who would sign up for that willingly if it wasn't based in something physical?

But trauma is not depression. For arguments sake lets take the classic childhood trauma of sexual molestation/assault just as a descriptive device. We could use any form of childhood trauma to illustrate this. Intrusive thoughts can be nothing more than residual traumatic thoughts that were entirely appropriate when you were being assaulted by a pig. Yes, we are highly evolved beings but we have mammal rage inside of us for a reason! To defend ourself! And if you couldn't defend yourself at the time, the pathetic hope of wanting to, can spring up from deep inside as a shameful thought of harming someone. These thoughts can lay buried inside for decades. The same way a memory can pop out all of a sudden years down the track after the trauma, so can the thought. The same way that your muscles can tighten in the precise way you tightened to attempt to save yourself, so too can the thought that you had that day to fight back. Just because you are having a thought today, does not mean that it is current. Thoughts have threads behind them. And sometimes threads follow you causing confusion such as this because trauma warps time. As more and more fragments come through you become more and more convinced that you are evil.

I have my own theory. My theory is that the mind likes to choose the least awful assumption. It is more palatable for your mind to hate you than it is to see the situation in full light. It is too intense. So to grab the hand break the self turns in on it self. Then it doesn't have to examine the abusers. Engage professionals.