Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Dear Amber.

I hope I didn't worry you and that you are doing well.

I have just got home and thought I better let you know I made it through another big ordeal and survived.You are right about how difficult it was and I have used every ounce of strength to get through this one. I am exhausted.

I did forget how strong I was and did turn out to be a bit stronger than I thought. I cant believe I am home and ready for the next life issue.

They say they have organised all sorts of help for me so I feel better about that knowing I'm not going to end up on the street homeless and ill, like you see in the movies.

I am unable to tell you about everything that has happened in the last few days but I think you have some idea.

Thanks Amber for your support and concern. I really appreciate your (and others on BB) input and comments. I don't mean to embarrass you but I'm not sure if I would have made it this far without your help and belief I will make it through this.

For that, I will be eternally grateful.

Please stay well.

-Aggy.

[Asche]

Nice! It's great that you're better Aggy.

At the end of the day, it's just a matter of getting one foot in front of the other. It's a simple process, but the demons make it so, so hard. There's a long road ahead, but now that you're know you're not as weak as you feel, you can begin in earnest. It's somewhat beside the point, but I'm proud of you.

Keep up the good fight.

[Asha]

Hi Aggy,

Im pretty new here and I was just reading through this thread. I just wanted to say that I think your strength and determination to fight the absolute life-encompassing crapness that is depression and anxiety, is pretty amazing and inspirational.

i shake as well, mostly my hands but my legs start sometimes too. My psych told me to make friends with the shaking because hating it and getting angry at it just makes it worse. I can't say I've achieved friendship with the shaking but I've pretty much accepted it as part of who I am at the moment.

when my anxiety is really bad I can't leave the house and one of the reasons is that I'm afraid of people noticing the shaking so I totally get where you're coming from.

i think not being able to control your own body and mind can make you feel so helpless, hopeless and embarrassed, but then I try to remember that people with heart disease don't feel embarrassed to wear a heart monitor. I try to remember that it's the same, their heart doesn't always cooperate with them, my mind doesn't always cooperate with me.

i think you're stronger than you know and I hope you keep posting

Asha

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Thanks so much for the update. I'm glad you're back at home now, and most importantly that you are safe.

I'm really proud of the fact that you were able to let go of that huge desire to be able to control everything yourself, and let others look after you, in what I can imagine must have been a desperate time of need.

I guess from here it's a matter of making use of all of the services offered to you, and as Asche mentioned, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Live every moment, but don't waste a minute. There's so much for you to look forward to now, and I hope that this ordeal has opened your mind to possibility. I know how exhausted you must be feeling, so take some time out for you.

Thank you for your comment, it meant the world to me...and I'm not embarrassed. Just don't forget you did all the hard work, we were all just watching from the sidelines.

Maybe take a moment to pick up your guitar again, as I'm thinking it's been a while.

Hope to hear more about your progress soon.

Amber

P.S. The definition of embarrassment to me is fainting in the middle of the night on my way to the toilet half way through the preparation for a colonoscopy. My parents calling an ambulance, and me being treated by 2 hot paramedics whilst going to the toilet the entire time it took to wait for a litre of fluid to get into my system through a drip!! (stop laughing, it really happened.)

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Ok you're right. That's pretty embarrassing.

Ha! You made me smile. Thanks.

Tried 3 times to get to GP appointment today. Just couldn't get out of the driveway. I think the last few days have taken their toll.

You may be right as usual, it is time for me to pick up one of guitars and play some sounds. I miss it and I'm gunna start again tomorrow.

As always, thanks for posting to me and I hope you are doing well.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Asche.

Hope everything is going well for you. Some days are harder than others but I will attempt to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thanks for being proud of me but I don't feel I achieved very much really. I have learnt more but have to use that to be able to move forward now. Then I might have done something worthy of being proud of.

Thanks heaps for posting and it's good to hear from you with positive comments as always.

I really appreciate your input.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Asha.

Welcome to BB and I hope all is good for you.

Thanks for posting in my thread I really appreciate that. It makes me realise that I am maybe more important to the world than I thought.

Please understand that I am not always strong and determined to get through all this, I try hard at times, but fail often too.

I know what you mean about the shaking, not much we can do so go with it. I find deep breathing can help cause I shake worse when anxious. You are right though, it is embarrassing and terrible when people notice like my workmates. I hate it.

Having agoraphobia is going to make my next 8 weeks pure hell but I think I might have support to get through it. Not saying it will be easy though.

It's nice to speak to someone else with similar problems it makes us not feel so alone and like I am the only one.

Thanks again so much for your vote of confidence and your great positive comments.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

It's hard to top that one in the embarrassment files huh:))

Ok, so I take it you didn't get to your GP appointment? That's ok, you tried. Are you able to reschedule?

I know you mentioned that the hospital have arranged a number of things for you, what exactly did they offer? (Sorry, perhaps that's a bit nosy)

Have you been strumming today? I was glad to hear that you missed the guitar.

Are you feeling a little less exhausted now? Have you managed to sleep ok since you got home?

I am doing well. I think I mentioned I head into hospital on Tuesday. I'm not nervous about being in hospital, but getting a bit nervous about the possible side effects I may have to endure with the medication change. I guess I won't know until I try, it would be nice though if you could prepare yourself for the possibilities. I actually made some really good friends the last time I went into this hospital, so if nothing else I might meet some new people. It'll also be nice not to have to think about cooking, cleaning and all that fun stuff.

I hope you're doing ok.

Amber

[Aggy]

Oh, Hi Amber.

I am fine today and hope you are as well as can be.

I wouldn't say nosy, I think of it more as being concerned and wanting to know what's happening. I don't mind keeping you 'in the loop' at all. You can ask me whatever you need to know.

I will call the GP again next week and try again for another appointment.

When I was 'released' from hospital the lady said 2 people would be in touch as they legally had to contact me within 3 days. I can't remember who she said they were, I was a bit out of it on the meds they kept giving me.

I haven't had a guitar out today yet but still plan to as I have to fit some strap locks to my telecaster (see avatar).

I am well rested and had a pretty good day today. I have started going through all my drawers and cupboards sorting stuff out ready to move. Amazing how much stuff one can accumulate over 14 years. I have advertised some stuff on Gumtree and already had 2 calls, one guy is coming around tomorrow.

I also made some calls to some local agencies about getting some help with accommodation and moving etc. Got some good responses and have to make more calls on Monday. A fairly positive day overall I feel.

That's me done, now about you my friend. It's my turn to be nosy! Do you know when you will be coming home from hospital? You do realise the medication change could actually improve things for you and be better than what you have now?

You will have people right beside you, trained to help so if you feel something is not right and you're worried, just let them know. Maybe mention your apprehension on the meds change when you arrive on Tuesday. Talk to them about it first. Get some reassurance to help steady your nerves.

I also found some other patients very nice and helpful. And did make a friend in my short stay too. You have a good attitude thinking of it as a little break away from regular chores. Don't forget your slippers is my advice.

Sorry for the long winded reply. I am glad to hear from you and always happy to hear what's happening in your world, good or bad. I will be worrying (can't help it) and thinking about you until you come home, as I'm sure many of us here will be.

Speak again to you soon Amber, I've got a guitar I told a friend I was gunna play today, so better go and do it.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Hope you have had a good day today.

I'm guessing it's the Crisis Assessment Team that will contact you. Usually after a discharge they are required to contact you after 3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks etc. If you think it's necessary, don't hesitate to ask them to come out to see you, even if just to chat. This is part of their role as well.

It's great that you're already preparing for the move. I'm sure this is requiring a lot of motivation on your behalf. Did you hear from the housing assistance today? I know it's hard work, and it might be a bit nerve racking, but it's also a bit exciting to be moving. It might just give you a new, fresh start.

Were you able to reschedule your appointment with your GP?

Are you still taking medication now that you are out of hospital?

So did you get to play the guitar?

I hopefully won't be in for any longer than a week, so next Tuesday. Yes I know the medication could be better. The nerves have settled a bit, now I just want to get it over and done with. The good thing is that I'm going back to a hospital I've been to before, so I'll be familiar with my surroundings and the staff. It's only a small hospital too, 30 beds, so it won't be overwhelming.

Wow, that's great that you made a friend during your stay. Are you keeping in contact? Or was it more just support while you were in? Don't worry my ugg boots are on the list:) Although the hospital has a rule that you need to be fully dressed if you come out to any communal areas, so pj's will be just for bed.

Thanks so much for your well wishes. It's so nice to see that so many members have left such kind words on my recent thread. The forums are an incredible place for support.

Make sure you keep me up to date with what's happening, let me know when you will be moving. Good luck with the rest of the packing, it's so much easier once you have culled.

Amber