Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

Ok you win yes you are doing better than me. I have none of that. I  have hope for you a strong caring person who is prepared to fight. I don't see that for myself.

No I would never yell or be angry at you I no nothing more than being passive. I would be punished for showing emotion or having my own thoughts and emotions its been that way since I was 17. I an unable to talk to people make phone calls even going to the supermarket is near impossible.  I cannot make eye contact.  And have flashbacks of the abuse many times a day.

Questions are good try to unjumble the mess in my head.i am a safety risk to myself. No other psych will take me on because my symptoms are too complex.  I am too unwell to help myself and can't find the strength to to get away fron the current abuse. If I can't make ohone calls or speak to strangers I cannot get help. I would also have to believe that I deserve it. I have no support in the real world only here. I haven't had a friend in 24 years there is no one thaat believes in me. I am to damaged by the abuse to believe anything other than what he has told me. And l believe that I deserved it.

The mhu was in maroondah over an hour away.

I don't feel safe anywhere thats why I spend most of my days in the car isolated.  By the river in the bush.

 Wish there was someone in my life that I could reach out to. Tell me that everything is going to be ok. Guide me to the right help but that just not my reality. All I have is parents that confirm all the dark stuff.

I wish someone could give me a hand but that will never happen. I was never allowed to work isolated and controlled no access to technology.   I don't know how to function in a world that scares me and I don't belong. 

Im glad to hear that you have set yourself some goals thats awesome. I know you will succeed. And remember what you do have. So much more than me. Aggy take care.

If tou want to know more about me and need the distraction its despair,  please care. In the thread trauma and chronic illness.  Have a read when your up to it.

Look after yourself

Karen

[Aggy]

Hi Karen.

Iv'e skipped through your thread but could not stay to long in there. It was upsetting me.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like I was bragging. At least you can sleep in the bed you have. I am terrified of being attacked again in my own home. I have no safe retreat left as she also stole my car recently. I got it back but cant stand the sight of it (or her) now.

I've lived down by the river before. Summer was not so bad, but winter was horrible. To cold. Now I cant even go down to the river anymore. At least you have some freedom.

A friend for over 20 years has turned on me viscously. I have no idea why. I have asked to no avail. I did my best to make her feel welcome in my home. I hate people, I hate going outside, I hate it here and I hate anxiety.

I feel so cheated its eating me alive.

I gotta go right now.

Hope your ok.

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

I'm glad you managed to read some of it. I never intended for it to upset you I just wanted you to see that I do have some level of understanding. 

I know you weren't bragging I think its awesome that you do have a roof over your head. But I also understand how distressed you are about being there now. Yes I have a bed do I sleep  in, but I get flashbacks I can't even close my eyes without see stuff. I even go to bed in my clothes  on with a bag packed next to me because I feel so unsafe. 

Aggy you have been deeply hurt and your reaction to that is perfectly understandable. Your future is not ruled by the past. Learn from mistakes and forgive yourself you were not to know what was going to happen. Don't give your ex the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt you. Don't let her win you are a better person. Sometimes there just isn't an answer why people hurt others its just is. You didn't do anything wrong and it wouldn't have mattered what you did you were taken advantage of and that was wrong.

Try not to let the hatred consume you Aggy it will destroy you. You know there are good people out there. 

The responsibility of what has happened lies squarely with your ex. There was nothing you could do and you are not responsible for her actions. She alone is responsible. You are in charge of how you react Aggy that is your choice. You can rise above the hurt and pain and follow your dream to become supervisor at work, play the guitar until you can't play anymore, be the best you can be, then she will she what she missed out on . because you are strong and will succeed and follow your dreams without anxiety and fear, and freedom I know you can do it Aggy. 

Don't let hatred eat you alive. Take that emotion and turn it around be passionate about what you want to achieve, prove to anyone that ever hurt you that they were wrong and don't waste a second more of your precious energy on those who are simply not worth it.

Aggy I answered your questions your turn to answer mine, the mhu what's the worst thing that could happen. You will be safe, a bed to sleep in and nice food to eat. Time to regain your strength so you can come out passionate about a future. Think about it.

I will let you know where I end up. 

Remember trust is earned no just given. Love and forgive yourself you are worth it. And you are not your dark thoughts.

Take care

Karen

[Aggy]

Hi Karen.

Hope you are well and safe.

I again, appreciate your words of encouragement, I know you are right but the demons wont let me believe the truth. It is like another side of me that I don't know having these thoughts. And to be honest, I don't really trust this 'other side'

So to try and move forward I have spoken to the owner of the company where I work requesting return to work part time. He has organised with my boss for this to happen, so it looks like I'm back in the ring, to take another swing.

The MHU that I went to was terrible Karen. I cannot give details and I did not feel safe there, and so far from home for an agoraphobic is indescribable.

But, I have been offered a bed 5 minutes from home in a 10 bed unit. Each single room with ensuite and sitting area. You can leave and return whenever you like, and guitars, computers are welcome. Meals are all provided, pool table, big tv, and hands on stuff for therapy. Not just meds every day.

I am so anxious about going back to work it's making me unwell, so I will get going and do my best for now. I hope God gives me strength to do this. I need a lucky break.

Will chat later.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Karen.

Hope you are well and safe.

Just popped in to say I might not be posting regularly for awhile. No big deal, I've got to concentrate on recovery and stop venting built up anger in unwanted places when overtired and on meds.. I'm fine and everything, I just need to make some adjustments to my lifestyle and behaviour patterns.

I have been shown recently another new side of me that I do not like, and didn't realise existed. I shall have to address this asap before there is nowhere left at all for me to fit in.

I'm trying to learn to bottle my feelings or have none at all so that no one can be hurt that way. It seems to work for others, so maybe it's the answer to getting out of this hole I am in and moving forward.

In fear of upsetting anyone at all by posting further, I must go for now and will check in maybe later in the week.

Stay safe Kaz.

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hey Aggy

That's awesome news about you job congrats what a brave effort that was to follow up.

I agree with you and I certainly know after six days it was just a thought.

The 10 bed unit sound like a fabulous opportunity I have never heard about a place like that. And so close to home and you can have you're guitar and computer. I really hope you grab the opportunity. I think this is your lucky break you deserve it. You have the strength Aggy remember that, and if you can't I will be here to remind you.

Take your time Aggy look after yourself and I will be here if you need to chat.

You must be so proud of yourself I am keep the goal in mind and you are going to succeed.

Stay safe take care

Karen

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

I was worried that you may have thought the post from the moderator was directed at you. It was my fault and I hope my comments didn't distress you. I'm so sorry. It was my darkness. You certainly didn't upset me. I just messed up as usual.

Hope you are OK and safe

Karen

[Aggy]

Hi Karen.

Hope you are well and safe.

Yes I have been put off by moderators. Apparently I have one chance left before getting barred from site. It's nothing that you did. My own fault entirely.

Another personality posted some real crude things recently. The mods weren't happy and I don't blame them. Since I cant control MPD I am backing of a bit cause I need BB right now. I think I have good things to contribute to the forums still.

I bugger everything I do really. so not surprised at all.

Gotta go right now.

Take care K.

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

Well that goes double for me join the club. What you said applies to me as well. 

You are right you do have a lot to offer here at bb. They have been a great help in some really difficult times.

Take care

Karen

[Aggy]

It's strange how mental illness works. The ups and downs. The changes to the way one thinks about things. Just as you start to learn how to live (survive) with all the irrational thoughts and emotions, physical reactions, something new comes along to conquer.

I seem to have the feeling of being watched or monitored a lot lately. Almost like I'm on some sort of a 'watch this person' list. I make so many mistakes trying to deal with people in everyday situations, my agoraphobia is getting worse. People just are not to be trusted, now more than ever as this new paranoia is draining me.

I've started to shake again sometimes and I still get horrible thoughts that I cannot stop thinking about. The continuous thought that someone is judging me is overpowering my rationality. Curse these demonic thoughts.

To sum up, I guess I am trying to realise that when you think you find the road to recovery, be aware that there can be detours along the way.

I will even have to read what I have written above many times before posting, in fear of making a mistake and being judged incorrectly by any that may read it.

-Aggy.