Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

I know you don't know me but I have been here awhile and keep up with your posts. I wanted to let you know that there are a lot of people here who care for you. Me included.

I have been in a really dark place for awhile now and have just got out of hospital, I was put there for safety reasons. You understand, you have been also. I spent 12 days in and never want to go back.

Aggy you are one of the reasons I am still here, when I loose all hope I come to bb and see people who fight every day when they really don't want to. You give me the strength to battle another day when all seems helpless. If you can't do it for yourself Aggy do it for us. We need you to fight, I know you can find a way... You have so many times before and we all care for you. 

You know there is extra support, lifeline, bb, suicide line, if you can't talk on the phone like me they are online too. There is also the ED... I know you would rather eat broken glass than go back but it is an option.

I spend my days in the car because I don't feel safe anywhere, unable to go to the shops, can't be around people too scared of everything. I also shake its exhausting. Is there anything that has worked for you in the past Aggy when you feel this bad. Distraction even if you can post here that's great. Use you're senses to stay grounded describe the room you are in. What you are wearing.... Even count, say your name birth date over and over. Maybe deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation. Only YOU know what is going to work and keep trying until it does.

Aggy we are all here for you if we could come over and help we would. Please keep fighting, keep posting when you can and know that you are a wonderful person and cared for. You are in my thoughts

Please take care and stay safe

Karen

[Aggy]

Things are bad now.

I am unable to leave home much at all now and I am constantly worried and nervous. Not sure how to get through this again. I've lost my helper, best friend. My Angel.

My agoraphobia taught me to stay home where I would be safe and away from people and trouble. People found out and came and attacked me in my only sanctuary and now I am not safe here anymore.

I am to scared to sleep in my bed, so I doze on and off in my armchair during the day and night, fully clothed and ready to move quickly. I take pills to sleep and watch the front of my house on TV via a camera when awake.

Time for a piece of toast and cuppa tea, lots of worry about paying bills and back to sleep for a while.. Time to go.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Karen and wow.

Thanks for posting such a nice post with wonderful words of encouragement.

I consider my self to be a worthless failure that doesn't fit anywhere in society. I had no idea that I had actually helped others or that anyone was even following my posts. You are right Karen, I have found strength in the past at the hardest times.

I felt I was getting better with the help of my friend. But now she has done these things, it feels different this time. Unbearable to think about it or anxiety attack. It is much worse as she knew I was ill as she has been before. I'm not sure how to find the strength to fight again, but I might have a go.

I am falling asleep again so must say thanks Karen. You have been following my thread and I really appreciate your lovely post.

I hope things pick up for you soon and you are feeling well today.

Thanks again Karen.

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

I'm so sorry things are this bad for you. And the person you cared for and trusted has hurt you terribly.

But now is the time to fight you cannot let these people win you are strong and you will find a way through this. You are hurting right now and that is perfectly understandable. But we are here for you and care deeply.

I have been really concerned about you Aggy. You always have the option if you feel really unsafe to ring 000  or one of those helplines can do it for you if you are unable. At least you will be safe and they could adjust your medication and put you in contact with services that can help you pay your bills and provide you with food. I know its not what you want but it is an option to get the help you need.

As I said I've just come out of hospital, mental health unit so l know what its like..... But it's a place of safety.

I also don't sleep much and when l go to bed l have to wear my clothes and i always have a packed bag next to the bed incase i have to escape in a hurry. I understand..... Being scared, anxiety not feeling safe anywhere.

Please keep fighting Aggy, post when you can I am here for you so are all the others at BB. Don't forget to distract maybe pick up your guitar and play...

Read some other posts, I know you can get through this and find the strength to help yourself. I have faith in you. You are a kind and gentle person and you deserve every support.

I am sorry you are hurting Aggy but now is to reach out for help and fight, please take care and stay safe.

Karen

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Aggy,

I am not sure what to post here, as I don't know what to say. I felt it important to say something however. Hearing about your recent setbacks, I am so sorry that this happened to you.  

I also know how hard it is that this happened in your own home, your place of safety. When my sexually abusive father arrived back in the country and showed up on my door, I lost the safety in my home. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, was co stantly checking doors and windows. I was so afraid of answering the door. I still get anxious about answering the door today. 

I had to go stay in hospital for a few weeks after the incident. So I don't know what to suggest to you. I hope you can keep safe, and talk to us here if you can. I would do anything to help you. 

I apologise for my lack of posts, but I myself have been in crisis for a while. Mine involving the lack of a roof over my head. But thats my problem.

I hope you can write back. 

GA

[Aggy]

Hi Karen and thanks again.

I had no idea that any one would care but I come here to speak my thoughts and record my history to look back on. I didn't think any one was really listening nor did they care as that is what Im used to.

It feels very strange to hear from people that seem to care about me. I was sure that I was another one to fall between the cracks and be written off as another cracked loser that wasn't worth anything.

Ironically I am learning to play pink floyds 'wish you were here' right now which

seems so inappropriate for my current situation. It was one of our favourite songs being big Floyd fans. I might try to play tomorrow, as I am a nervous wreck still and unable to hold any of my guitars with confidence.

I would sooner not return to a mental health unit but maybe it's the best place for me. I only upset people and myself out here anyway.

I have nothing left to contribute to society.

Thanks for your wonderful, encouraging words. Food for thought no doubt. I have never been without basics before as I always worked so this is all new to me. I have not been a bludger before and do not want to start now.

I pray to God for strength to get me through this night and I pray for your health too. Thankyou for your support Karen.

-Aggy.

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[Aggy]

Hi to my friend Girl.

Of course I will answer back if possible to you any time I can. I hope you are well and feeling ok. I miss hearing from you.

Thanks for your post, it means a lot to me as I know you don't usually have a lot to say at the best of times. I'm sorry that you have had problems. I am so tired and exhausted but afraid to sleep just in case some one arrives.

You know how I feel obviously. I wish you never had to feel like I do at the moment. I wish no one ever had to feel this way.

It's now 2am and I cannot go near my bed as fear is stopping me. I am over the girlfriend as I forgive her for what she has done. (She doesn't know that yet) As far as the guy who invaded my home and assaulted me I am having trouble with as far as forgiveness.

Unfortunately,

I have lost any little confidence I had in people altogether now. I was supposed to start CBT with my psych soon but am unable to attend. I am worse now than when first diagnosed. Going out in public terrifies me more than before.

Darlin' you don't have to suggest anything. The fact that you posted is enough for me, especially the "I would do anything to help you" part. I know what you have been through and to say that was enough to bring me to tears.(again)

I must go and sob quietly again, but I would like to say thanks for your kind words and thoughts.

I am so alone but it feels great to have nice people to pick me up again. Although I don't feel like it yet, I'm sure the fighting spirit will return soon and I won't let you guys down.

I pray that you stay well and good things come your way.

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

Just me again, I'll be here for as long as you want, or need someone to chat to.

I know a lot about you I thought it is only fare to share a little bit about me. I am 43 and have just come out of a 24 year abusive, violent marriage. I was with him since I was 17. I believe that l deserve all the horrible things he did to me. For not being good enough and not being able to make him happy. I have suffered some terrible injuries over the years and I still believe that l deserve it. I was his possession and he did what he wanted to me and I never stopped him. I have been isolated, never allowed to work or have friends, he controlled everything.  People didn't want to help and when I begged my parents to help me they told me I had to make my marriage work.

I have moved in with my parents who think I'm an inconvenience, pathetic. So I spend my days in the car, I have no self worth and unable to function. Depression, social anxiety, general anxiety, pts.

I don't feel safe and I understand not wanting to get through another day. But I do I break my days into hours, plan to distracted, anything to try and keep myself safe. Pretty ironic I spent so many years trying to protect myself from him, now I need protecting from myself.

The mhu is an option, it's best if you can go in voluntary. My gp called the police and I went bush, so they wouldn't find me. In the end I took myself to the ed. At least while I was there I didn't have to worry about my safety.

I hope you manage to pick up the guitar today. I do like pink Floyd.

I'm from a country town east of Melbourne, so l am back in the car today sitting by the river, watching the word go by. 

Aggy if you had a serious illness like cancer, you would go get treated and accept the help and support given. Mental illness is no different, you are unwell and there is no shame in getting the help you deserve. Whether that just going to see your gp  or accepting help with your bills or food. You have a very important part in being here because without your strength to fight every day I wouldn't be here either. You give me and others the strength to fight another day when I really don't want to. We all have a story to tell and battles to fight. I want to see you beat this Aggy.

Please you don't need to thank me but you do need to fight and find the help you deserve. We all here are wishing you the very best.

Take care

Karen

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

I was just catching up on your posts from the last few days, and those from others that have sent you such kind and very wise words.

Sorry to hear about you and your now ex-girlfriend. It really hurts when you reach out and put trust in someone only to have them abuse that trust. However I do have to disagree with your statement My world has been destroyed by letting them in (people) and now I must battle for my sanity and my life. Your world has not been destroyed, only your heart has taken a bruising, you are still here and life doesn't have to be a battle, it can be a rollercoaster ride and an opportunity but you don't need to fight for it - just live it. You also didn't let people in, you let one girl in. I hope that you can see beyond thinking that she is an example of the entire human race. There are people here who you have also let in, you've trusted them with your thoughts, your vulnerabilities, your feelings and they have not let you down. Not all people are bad Aggy, and I know you know this.

I understand that you are doing it tough at the moment, but it doesn't take away all the work you have already done for yourself. You are still that strong, bright, determined person that others have come to admire. If you think being in hospital is the best place for you right now then I suggest you admit yourself voluntarily this time around - it will be a whole different experience for you. Don't leave it until it gets worse. As Karen has mentioned if you had a physical illness you wouldn't refrain from getting treatment, so why should you do so now.

I know you weren't in hospital all that long last time, and forgive me because I'm not all that familiar with the public system, but I've always been of the belief you don't leave hospital until you are ready and prepared with enough life skills to never have to go back again. I also don't know the operations of public hospitals, but do they have groups that you can participate in? I'd suggest getting yourself into some group therapy, and when you get out continuing with outpatient group programs so that you have a chance to rebuild your faith in people again.

I'm pleased that you have turned to your music, perhaps if you still have a case manager you could ask them to find out if there's any music therapists that you could see.

If I can give up chocolate Aggy, you can get over this hurdle:)

Amber xx

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

It's been a couple of days now and I'm really hoping that you are OK. I'm still here if you want to chat. Im thinking of you. Please post when you feel up to it. I care and will be here for you.

Stay safe, take care

Karen