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Ditching fake friends

Orangeicy
Community Member

I had a group of friends that were starting to freeze me out. I gathered my courage and finally asked them individually if I had made a faux pas to upset anyone. The reply I got from them individually was "no" but still my messages were being ignored and being in person around them still ignored me. My anxiety went ballistic. I struggle badly with low self esteem and during all of this I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, snapping at my family and kids..felt like I was losing my mind. 

So I decided to pull back. Decided that they can come to me if they want me and if not that's fine too.

Seems good on paper, right? Not wasting energy on something if it's not meant to be.

But of course I am still upset. And being a small town I will run into them. And then what. Smile and nod? I can't make the break too bad with everyone's kids at the same school but I just feel so odd. So weird. And that voice in the back of my head that won't shut up.

I really thought that when people grow up they "grow up"! That they stopped the games played at highschool then I didn't like then or now. 

I just feel like I can't find Real people. True people. The people who accept you for who you are without any motives.

 

Rant over.

8 Replies 8

Gracie24
Community Member

I am going through a similar situation. A couple of months ago I got diagnosed with anxiety and of course I went to my friends for support. It didn't help at the time I was also going through a breakup which sucked. I noticed I was getting excluded from some of the plans and eventually I asked what was going on and a couple of the girls told me they didn't like me anymore because I made things about myself too much. I am a bit of an oversharer to be fair but after I apologised the rest of the group also excluded me. I did exactly what you did and pulled back started sitting with other girls however the old group started spreading rumours about me around the grade. My anxiety went through the roof and being new to dealing with it I was not doing well. Eventually I realised that if those girls were willing to not support me at my worst then they didn't deserve my friendship. My best advice is cutting all contact it will be tough but is totally worth it. It is hard bumping into them at times but just be civil- you do not have to be overly friendly just be polite. Hope everything gets better for you- here to talk if you need. 

I am just so disappointed..and sad and so unbelievable angry. I don't understand what people get out of acting like that.

Suppose I need to focus on other things and people. Not dwelling on the past and so on..easier said than done.

How long did it take for you to start feeling better about it?

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Orangeicy
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are sorry you have been treated in this way, as Gracie24 points out, nothing about their behaviour is ok and it's no reflection you, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always.
 
We hope that you continue to reach out here but please also know that we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

Beeee
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Orangeicy,

 

I'm sorry your friends have been treating you this way. Unfortunately, if they can't accept you for who you are, then they are not the right friends for you. I'm sure the right people are out there, you never know when the right person will walk into your life. 

 

As Gracie24 has mentioned, perhaps removing yourself from them might be the best thing. Are there any new people you could start sitting with? 

 

If you have a school counsellor, they might also be a great person to talk to. They will be familiar with the school and students so will be able to understand your concerns and give advice. 

 

Friends are meant to walk in and out of our lives. From each new friend you learn something new and grow. Hopefully there are better friends for you coming. 

 

Best wishes,

Beeee

Orangeicy
Community Member

Thank you. I know logically it will get better, just hurting a lot right now. I am a massive introvert and I can think of nothing worse than "getting out there" having to start over again.

Definitely a couple of months and it got worse before it got any better it still hurts sometimes to think about and certain things will bring it up but focusing on myself really helped and I found that along the way people who I never thought I would hang out with were there to support me. It really made me see my true friends and value those friendships. I hope you can do the same and let me know if you wanna talk about anything 🙂 

sbella02
Community Champion
Community Champion

Orangeicy,

 

Thank you for opening up to us on the forums, we really appreciate you taking the time to come to us for support. Welcome, we're happy to have you here. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, and your feelings are valid and justified. 

 

I really thought that when people grow up they "grow up"

 

This line deeply resonated with me. As somebody who is freshly into adulthood, I've seen this happen time and time again already. I'm constantly trying to better myself, be it working on my flaws, furthering my career, fostering my interpersonal relationships, or spending time being in my own company. For me, learning how to mature and "grow" has always been a big part of who I am, and I struggle to relate to people who do not share this mindset. 

 

I know it's a lot easier said than done, but sometimes it's better to find new people who we connect with more deeply and can genuinely rely on, than to surround yourself with people who consistently hurt you. This can be difficult, especially if you're in an environment where you see them regularly. 

 

Are there any local clubs, groups, or even part-time work opportunities that you could see yourself becoming part of? These are all great ways to immerse yourself in a crowd of like-minded individuals who you can connect with. Part-time work in particular can be a good way to meet people who are a little more mature and understanding. 

 

Even online friends from places like Discord or Reddit can be great sources of friendship and support, provided this is done in a safe and cautious manner. There's also no real-life obligation to them, so you'll often find that the quality and type of friendships you make can be a refreshing alternative or accompaniment to physical friendships. 

 

If you'd feel comfortable, there's also the option of speaking to a GP, therapist, or psychologist about how you're feeling. Sometimes, professional advice can be really helpful.

 

I hope this is helpful advice, and please feel free to reach out more if you need.

 

Take care, SB

sbella02
Community Champion
Community Champion

Gracie24, 

 

I'm reading through your reply, and resonate with your situation too. You give brilliant advice, and I echo this. We both deserve and expect kindness, respect, loyalty, and reliability from friends, and when it is not being reciprocated, it is a clear sign to reconsider who we deem to be friends.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that these girls were spreading rumours about you and causing you to feel isolated and anxious. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. I also know how awful it is to have people talking about you behind your back, especially people who are supposed to have your best interests at heart.

 

Glad to hear that you have removed yourself from that toxic situation. That takes a lot of courage and bravery. 

 

Gracie24 and Orangeicy, please feel free to reach out to us if you need. I've been through a lot of difficult friendship and social situations in my life and I'm sure there are many other forum members who can relate. We collectively have a lot of great advice, learning experiences, and coping strategies that we'd love to share to help you out.

 

SB 🙂