confusion and anxiety in a new friendship/relationship

[_kj]

Recently my sister’s friend asked if I was seeing anyone. I’d barely spoken to him so I was confused why he was interested. I was fine to go on a date (I assume that was his intention) but I couldn’t do it straight away

I have anxiety, low self esteem, and I’m shy. Interacting with others is difficult for me

He said that was fair, but It took him a while to reach out, apparently he was waiting for the right time

He was so nice, but it was small talk which I struggle with. He’d never start any conversations and went from replies every few days, to once a week, then nothing. Two months pass, I’m left on read, he’s gone? I check in to see if he’s still interested and he said he was “definitely keen”

I’m told that’s normal, he’s busy, has anxiety, and overthinks. He goes quiet but it isn’t personal.

I see him and my sister talking daily. But I message, he opens it right away then leaves it read. Maybe he responds days later if I’m lucky. 

He doesn’t seem interested in pursuing me but doesn’t act like he wants to be friends either. It’s giving me a complex

Apparently his pushy friends burn him out, and he had an ex who would hassle him to reply more. So maybe he’s being cautious. But I’ve only ever given him space

My sister said he probably sees me as a casual friend he doesn’t feel pressured into talking to all the time or right away. I don’t know how to take that. I decided not to contact him anymore to see if he’d reach out. Two more months pass, he didn’t

He visited recently to help move furniture. He couldn’t hold eye contact with me, but had no trouble with anyone else. Little comments and gestures made me feel like he was interested, but when I spoke he seemed bored.

When he was leaving he hugged my sister and shook my hand, but then awkwardly decided to hug me too. It’s confusing

I message him later to say thanks for helping and now we’re in a conversation. 

Being left on read is inevitable and I’m not that resilient. I know I’ll spiral and shut down.

I have some control when I don’t reply. But I’m torn between having control and feeling guilty about it, or giving that up and having my feelings hurt.

It’s probably not that deep but I need to talk about it. Maybe this is normal in talking stages, but I’ve never been in this situation before and I’m over thinking every little thing and it’s wearing me down, I’m tired. I’m embarrassed. I don’t feel good enough. I’ve put in more effort than I can mentally handle and it’s not reciprocated. I’m at a loss

[ABC01]

Dear _kj,

Personally, and not offensively, it sounds like they are messing you around or are not interested anymore. And that is okay, it happens. It is timing. They may now be awkward around you for their own reasons.

I believe in the kindness that you showed in your response to my post, that you deserve much better than that. If a person can't answer you back at all, it isn't worth all the questions that it evokes in you. You can put that emotional energy into much better things. And if they are like this now, how would they be to actually date? It is showing a level of respect. They don't sound as if they are respecting you.

Please don't feel embarrassed. Think of it as being 20 steps away from the bus stop and the bus drives past. Another 20 seconds and you would have caught the bus. It happens more than you would think. Timing is important. And it is okay if this time the timing is off.

Try to be kinder to yourself. You deserve it.

ABC01

[_kj]

Thank you for your reply, ABC01. I appreciate your support, it's nice to have an opinion from someone on the outside, that isn't close to it. You're able to see with a clearer mind than me.

There are a lot of details I had to omit due to character limit. But that probably doesn't change anything. 

This year has been really rough for me. My self esteem took quite a low blow before this situation which is probably why I'm so fixated on the attention I was somewhat getting. I've also been a bit down lately because of home and work life.

I was worried this would be the case, and I guess I've just been in denial. I'd only ever heard good things about this guy so it's really disappointing that this is how it's going for me.

I feel as though I've missed so many opportunities, or I suppose, Buses, throughout my life because of my anxiety and it just hurts. So walking away from this scares me. How can the timing be so wrong for me every time?

How do I get around this mentally? I know I'll fixate on this until I find something else to obsess over. I'm told to distract my mind with hobbies, but due to my low mood recently I don't have the energy to do anything, not even the things I used to love. I feel broken

[ABC01]

Dear _kj,

I can empathise with you on clinging onto something almost as if it is life support. Because without it, I don't have anything that would keep my head above water. However, that is today. I don't know what is coming around the corner and what could be great again.

I also understand being told to do things and not have the energy to do them. I feel broken too sometimes. Like nothing I can do will put me back together. In these times I am reminded to reflect on myself and see the things I am actually doing for myself and others. I took myself to an appointment this morning and then went shopping afterwards to bet the heatwave coming. I can applaud myself for these two actions. I have done the appointment for my health, and my weekly shopping to bet being uncomfortable in the heat. Two small things, but two I should acknowledge. I am sure there are things you do for yourself regardless of if you have the energy or not. You should applaud yourself you them too. Build yourself back up. You don't need anyone else to do that for yourself.

In the meantime, try to look at the beauty around you, already in this world. There are many things that are extraordinary, we just need to look to find them. Bring a little bit of happiness back into your day.

Wishing you well,

ABC01

[_kj]

It’s absolutely like life support, I felt so seen for a brief moment. So it’s very hard to let go.

It’s sort of discouraging to have someone think they are interested in you and then immediately decide they aren’t. I know that happens, it’s probably normal. But it still hurts.

It doesn’t make me feel stronger or more knowledgeable for future interactions. It just makes me feel hopeless and not good enough.

The feelings I had, have slowly turned to anger and frustration. I’ve completely given up on this person. I gave them too many chances, I should have taken the hint sooner.

I’ve been told that I have put up too many barriers to protect myself. And for good reason. Because I let some down to let this person in and I just ended up being hurt and messed around. It has shattered my confidence.

I worry for the next time someone shows the slightest bit of interest, because I don’t think I can go through that again. I don’t think I’ll believe them

I try to appreciate what I do for myself and it only helps a little. I’m getting out of bed, going to work, trying to find beautiful things around me.

Enjoying snuggles with the cat, treating myself with a fun drink or little snack. I’ve started doing a once loved hobby that I haven’t done in a long time.

But still everything just feels like it’s going the opposite direction to what I want.

The feelings in the back of my mind just don’t leave me alone, and are constantly reminding me about how I’m obviously so easy to mess around with and won’t ever have anyone genuinely be interested in me. That it’s my fault things didn’t or won’t ever work out.

Sometimes I can fight those feelings and sometimes I just can’t