Confused about my feelings

[Kempus]

Hi there - trigger warning

I have had severe anxiety 2 years ago following a miscarriage. At that point in time one of my beat friends told us a month after we had lost our baby that they were expecting and were due the same time we would have been.

It was a tough time, work was stressful and I struggled to sleep and was constantly panicking/on edge.

flash forward to now and we have a 4 month old daughter, and I have completed many hours of therapy and have felt really good for at least a year.

Anyway, today that same friend told us she is expecting her 2nd child and I felt the same wave of anxiety that I felt last time crash over me now. The thing is that last time it was hard because I was so angry that it was so easy for them and awful for us, but now I have my family and my life is really lovely at the moment (new parent sleep deprivation aside)

anyway, I think this just reminded me about how terrible that year of my life was, and now I have the same physical anxiety symptoms and wanted to type/talk it out as I thought that might help.

Anyone have any advice?

i hope this is the right forum as well.

[blondguy]

Hello Kempus

You have done well by having the courage to post and thankyou!

I am sorry that you have had to wait so long for a response. We are usually quick in posting back

I hope that a female poster can provide you with the support you deserve at this time

Your thread topic is an important one. Please bear with us while I do my best to get you a reply!

My Kind thoughts

Paul

[Quercus]

Hi Kempus and welcome,

I'm so thankful that Paul found your post! I'm sorry too for the delay it isn't a nice feeling especially when you're hurting as much as you clearly are.

Firstly...Congratulations on your four month old. It takes guts to want to try again after a heartbreak losing a child. I am fortunate to have never gone through this but have supported friends who have. My daughter's birthday falls on the day my friend delivered her stillborn baby and I know she finds it very hard.

Have you been able to speak to your friend about how you feel? Do you think if you got it out in the open she would respond supportively or take offense?

I was nervous to ask my friend (even though my daughter was born a year earlier) if she found it too hard or insensitive for me to ask her to celebrate with us? She was surprised I asked. But it helped us to talk about it. She is my friend and I want her in my life long term. So if every year when I ask her to celebrate if it hurts her I need a different plan.

Is that an option? Do you think her pregnancy is triggering all these feelings because they've never actually been addressed? At the end of the day if this trigger is painful for you every year is the friendship going to be able to last? Maybe it is worth the risk to speak up and just get some of the hurt out.

You had a truly devestating experience. As you fell apart she had what you wanted so badly. A healthy baby. The anger is understandable. But not healthy for you to hold onto.

When my son was born my sister refused to aknowledge him. She would ignore him utterly. It destroyed me. And it was only when I wrote her a letter explaining what she was doing and why this meant I didn't want to be around her anymore that she realised her anger and hurt was going to cost her a relationship with her sister. So we talked. She was devestated. She wanted a family so badly and was jealous and angry. So she rejected us. Our relationship has taken a long time to try repair. But finally she is able to see my kids as her family too. She is beloved Auntie. And understands that they need her and I do too. My point... Communication is important. It can go either way but this anger is not doing you any good bottled up.

What do you think?

I really do hope you can return and talk more. I would love to hear how you manage and to listen to your story if you need to talk.

❤ Nat

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to our caring community Kempus;

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss, and over the moon you've found love and nurturing with another. You're surely blessed...

Nat has posted a really nice response. I agree with her suggestion of speaking openly with your friend, but I'd like to talk about anxiety for a moment if that's ok.

Anxiety is a response to a specific trigger. For me, it isn't saying what I want to say due to fear of consequences; in other words, standing up for myself, mainly with men face to face.

I learned this by going back in time in my mind one day when anxiety was unbearable. I found it started the moment a man who'd been doing some work in my home left. He'd been leaving mud from his dirty boots on my floor and I didn't say anything.

I realised it wasn't the situation, it was my own fear of speaking. I guess anxiety alerted me to something I didn't have closure with. Sure, it's a non event really when you think about it, but for me it was pure gold in terms of self insight.

The anxiety stopped instantly once I understood why I was afraid. (Past influences of assault/bullying by men) I accepted my choice to stay silent and forgave myself for not acting which in my family would be perceived as cowardliness.

All this from a silly bit of mud!

My suggestion would be to go back to the time when anxiety first hit while talking with your friend or afterwards. Do you think you could pin-point what you were thinking or feeling at that time? I hope so. The above scenario changed my approach to my MH and put me on the road to recovery.

The thing is to be 'an observer', not judgemental as this gets in the way of finding answers.

I so wish you well hun. I do hope you see these responses as it's quite a while since you first posted. Very sorry for this...

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[White_Rose]

Hello Kempus

Welcome to the forum. I also hope you have not given up on us. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I am certain you are very happy and love your baby very much.

My daughter and her husband wanted a baby but had to go through the IVF process. Several unsuccessful attempts before she became pregnant. As you can imagine she was over the moon and could barely wait to tell everyone. She told me early on and I was so happy for her. Her due date was near the date of my daughter-in-law's baby and they talked about the babies growing up together.

Sadly my daughter miscarried at 19 weeks. Everyone was devastated. She made the brave decision to hold a small funeral and arranged for her son to be cremated. The ashes were with the display of flowers. (I hope this is not distressing you. I would not have that happen for anything.)

My DIL was dreadfully upset because she still had her baby and went on to give birth to another daughter. DIL was hesitant to attend the funeral service because she was afraid of upsetting my daughter and was obviously pregnant. I found this to be a considerate thought and I told my daughter how DIL felt. My daughter insisted she attend and said it was not her fault my daughter had miscarried. My daughter has never felt resentful of her sister-in-law.

A little later daughter and husband decided to try once more and this time the pregnancy was successful. She is the proud and doting mother of a daughter.

Sez has suggested you go back to when this anxiety first surfaced and talk about it with your friend. It sounds like a good idea. My daughter did speak to DIL and they were both comfortable. I suspect when DIL baby was born my daughter was sad that she had not borne her son, but she tried not to be angry or resentful. Everyone, especially DIL was happy when Daughter's baby was born safely.

It is helpful to talk about your concerns/unhappiness or any other emotion with your friend. This is where friendship and love can be demonstrated. I am sure your anxiety is not a form of resentment towards your friend.

The problem with feelings such as anxiety is that previous situations tend to trigger the same response in new situations when they appear to be similar. It is helpful to recognise this. I wonder if it would be useful to return to your therapist a couple of times to talk about it. I find it helps to get rid of this kind kind of tension.

Mary

[Kempus]

Thanks for your kind words and advice, it really does help a lot.

Mostly I just wanted to talk it out, my anxiety wasn’t that bad, but just an underlying feeling that was concerning me as I hadn’t felt that way for so long.

I have talked to my friend as I was worried that her wonderful news (first time around) and my devestating experience would impact one another and take away from her joy, which I really didn’t want to happen. That time of my life was full of Psych appointments to discuss this and work through my grief so that I could continue to have these meaningful relationships and share in their joy as well. Her little boy is an important part of our lives and I wouldn’t ever want to let my anxiety prevent me from having a relationship with him

anyway, I think you are right that their news just triggered my feelings from back then, and has me thinking of an awful time in my life and thus my body responded. I did some physical exercise, posted on here, talked to my mum and I felt a lot better. my psych moved to Germany (so far!) and it is hard to get in touch so I tend to put it in the ‘too hard pile’, but I really need to organise some time with her.

I also think that I had gotten complacent about my anxiety, feeling like it was gone and I was all cured, so these feelings coming back confused me and made me feel like I was less in control than I thought I was. Which is a good reminder to practise my mindfulness and take time out from the stresses around me

thanjs again for the detailed reply, it really is much appreciated

[Kempus]

Thanks for the reply- the time between posting and the replies coming through didn’t matter to me, it was more about getting my concerns off my chest and out into a place where I knew someone would respond eventually and challenging myself to be a little vulnerable. I tend to get stuck in my head and so avoid sharing my feelings or concerns so this was a good way to do this.

Your suggestion about going back to the initial triggering event is a good one, as I’m sure that the first time I was truly anxious and that the Anxiety took over was right after they told us their news that first time. So it makes sense that this time, even though I am in a much better head space mentally, would trigger some of those old feelings. What I am proud of is that they were mild and I was able to manage them quite well rather than just falling victim and letting it all engulf me.

Thank you again for you lovely reply, it really does help

[Just Sara]

You're so welcome Kempus; it's what we aim to do, so thankyou for your feedback.

I wish you well and hope you pop back now and then to share your thoughts. It's wonderful to know you're doing better and finding answers.

All my best;

Sez (Hug)

[White_Rose]

Hello Kempus

How are you going? Just dropping a line to say hello.

I am presuming you are feeling better and possibly have seen your therapist. If so I hope it helped. I wanted you to know we are still here anytime you want to chat.

Mary