Clarification on Generalised Anxiety Disorder - Is this what I am feeling?

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi there,

I recently separated from my partner, and having had anxiety in the past, big life changes seem to ignite my anxiety. My last episode was as a result of my uni degree finishing and possibly not having any direction in life, and I am now suffering from anxiety as well.

So from first instance, it would seem that my anxiety is situational. But then, it just keeps on going...

I start to suffer physical symptoms that my mind just can't get under control. There's the heart palpitations and general muscle shakes, and then the lack of appetite as well. And these symptoms last weeks, with no firm resolution ever just occurring.

My mind starts racing, and not only are my thoughts about the 'triggering event' but morph into 'worry about worry' and concern my self esteem and confidence - thoughts like: whether I am good enough, whether my anxiety will go away, whether I can ever be a truly functioning human being and whether I can truly live a full life?

I have seen (and am seeing) a psychologist and she asserts that what I am dealing with is GAD (with depression), because I certainly have my crying moments as well, and general down moments where 'I can't break through the ceiling of happiness'. My emotions have become muted.

Is what I am feeling normal for GAD? Am I normal? Is this normal?

Feeling so exhausted from my thoughts and my body being in such a tense state.

Any other stories of dealing with GAD would be greatly appreciated.

Sending love and support to all those in similar situations.

- ConfusedNAnxious

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

Thank you so much for your kind words; they really do mean so much to me and I'm so glad that it's helping. Just to show you how much it matters, I've taken a screenshot of your post so I can read it when I'm not doing well! So I really do appreciate your comments and I'm so grateful for them.

As to your mum, I think it's a strength that you've looked at what she does as her way of caring rather than just being a pain! Even with rearranging you room; while that must be annoying, it's probably her way of thinking 'Here's one thing I can do to make it better'. Hearing that she's checking in is also really good! Have you ever told her how certain things help and how certain things are not so helpful? Even if it's less rearranging, more checking in - rather than hard boundaries.

I feel kind of proud of you (in a non-condensing way of course!) reading the rest of your post; seeing the way that you're thinking about the times that you are being a functional human being, seeing glimpses of goodness both at home and at work and connecting and re-connecting with people.

Even though a lot of these things bring up anxiety, you're doing them anyway. When opportunities come up - like to message a friend or not, it would be easier to decide not to, but allowing yourself to feel that anxiety and do the thing is such a big leap, and honestly makes you stronger as a person.

I know CBT has been a big focus in this post, but there is another one that's really popular for anxiety and depression called ACT. One of the concepts I just wanted to share from it is the idea of changing our relationship with our thoughts and feelings, so that we accept them as they are but not necessarily buy into them - for example, instead of me saying "I'm just not good enough", I might say "there's the 'I'm not good enough' story, but I don't have to listen to it right now". You are also already doing very similar things with your anxiety, in not letting all of those thoughts and feelings hang out in the drivers seat.

and yes, I am doing well! Thank you for asking - although it's above 40 degrees all week so I'm seriously not a fan of that..

I hope this post isn't too long! I hope that if you are to take at least one thing out of it, it's to give yourself a bit of credit and acknowledge how far you've come. I know I can see that and I hope you can too.

rt

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi rt,

I always get a smile on my face when I see you have responded to one of my posts. You are so insightful and encouraging, and your messages have provided so much reassurance for me over the last weeks.

With regards to my Mum, just this morning she said she wants to make a New Year's Resolution to be less overbearing. She acknowledges that she can be pretty full on at times, and she just wants to be encouraging more than anything. So I think that is a good start - that she can see (on her own accord) that her actions can be interpreted as being 'too much' in some instances.

I have found that pushing myself in spite of my anxiety has helped lessen the symptoms to a sufficient extent. It's still there in the racing thoughts, but the physical shakes and heart palpitations now just simmer along in the background. So my days are becoming predominately functional, just needs to push on with my psychologist and really work on (and continue working on) tangible strategies to become my 'normal'self.

I recently saw my GP who said a lot of people in my field (law) function with a degree of anxiety, but the fact that I am working on things now in my younger age (with much more of my career ahead of me) will only set me up for better things in the future. Although I think my anxiety stems from circumstances from my past (see about four posts above - in my response to Step 12), I do have perfectionist tendencies like many others in my field.

Nevertheless, I am working on getting to the bottom of why I react this way to particular life events, and in the meantime, am implementing strategies to make the present moment as enjoyable as possible.

Sending you only the best of vibes.

- CnA

[smallwolf]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

Just came to your post and what to commend you for being able to work on your issues at a younger age. I am nearly 50 and only recently (2 years so) starting to see a psychologist. I ticked all the boxes in cognitive disorders, perfectionist tendencies among other things. When I came to anxiety I had a racing heart, lump in the throat, etc. I am now on medication and those symptoms are pretty much gone. I still have the feelings of uselessness and very critical about mistakes I make etc.

I want to know that you are alone, and over time you will you will find the answers you are looking for. Just give yourself time - it is not a race to a cure.

Peace,

Tim

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

Thank you so much for your lovely words (again!). I can't tell you how much they mean to me. Honestly I do doubt myself on the forums sometimes, trying to give support but not knowing if it's helpful or not, so hearing all these feedback is so encouraging. I'm really glad to have been so helpful to you with everything that you've been going through.

Hearing about your mum has now made me smile, hearing that she really wants to help and make a new years resolution around it. I think acknowledging the overbearingness can be one thing, but wanting to do something - such a big step.

It's also wonderful to hear that some of the symptoms are now simmering in the background. In your first post it sounded like they were really out of control, so to hear this is such great news.

It makes complete sense that anxiety can stem from what you had to go through with your sister. While I don't have a sister myself, I know that it's instinct to want to look out for your family and take care of them in the best way you know how. Unfortunately it seems that it had a knock on effect to your mental health - I imagine that this would happen with anybody. I hope that your psychologist is supportive in helping you dive into this.

If I don't talk to you before then, I hope that you enjoy your Christmas break. 🙂

rt

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi rt (and others),

Just a few developments to note, and I would love some advice as well.

A few days ago, my mum started meddling around in my room (what was the guise of fixing up my wardrobe), but then she started saying stuff to me that she could have only known if she read the journal I have been keeping for my psychologist. So she has indeed invaded my privacy to the extreme. I haven't pulled her up on this, but it is the only logical explanation for the stuff she knows (which she has claimed to know because she is simply 'perceptive').

Anyway, that affected me quite a bit, but I have managed to be quite functioning these last few days (to a week). I have actually been quite happy, and after that incident with my mum, she came around and reiterated the fact that she needs to 'step back' a bit and let me lead my own life. So, there is a constant back and forth with her attitude that can be a bit exhausting. But our relationship has been better, despite that invasion of privacy.

I still aim to meet up with my ex in the new year. The redevelopment of a relationship with him has drastic consequences for my living situation (as my parents have both reiterated numerous times before). But I still want to see him, because we never separated on harsh terms - everything just got really complicated.

Regardless, I think he wants to really start afresh, and I would love to navigate any kind of friendship or relationship with him. But I don't want him to be restricted by my own restrictions. I want him to have a relationship with someone who wouldn't have to hide it from the world (or her parents). But I also really miss him, but maybe the timing isn't right all round. I still have stuff to sort out regarding my own mental health issues, and he does too.

We just had so many plans before my parents really laid down the law regarding us seeing each other again. We were going to join a games group together, and have our dogs play together again. We were just going to see if we could be happy together again.

Sometimes I feel like I could go it alone, but other times I really think about the possibilities of us together again.

I just feel lost, particularly when I am trying to navigate the relationship with my parents, the possibility of a relationship with my ex and my own individual goals and mental health concerns.

I want to eventually buy my own house for me and my dog, but need to stay at home with my parents to achieve my saving goals.

Definitely feeling lost.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi rt,

I hope you are still around on these forums. I really love hearing from you.

Within the context of my previous message, I wanted to provide an update on my situation.

I have recently found the physical symptoms of my anxiety have simmered away and I'm able to function and think of the future and my own personal goals.

I have really started to feel a 'good sense of anxiety' in that I am excited for the future. When I feel it, I tell myself that the world is my oyster and I can do anything I put my mind to.

With that mindset, I have implemented the following:

- I have enrolled in my last legal course (something that I was originally not planning to do this year).

- I have set myself the goal of buying my own place.

- I have committed to stretching myself at work and undertaking some professional development.

With my psychologist, I have recently discovered (after doing a well known questionnaire) that I have a few maladaptive coping mechanisms from how I've grown up. These are:

- Enmeshment with my parents (like feeling like I can't keep personal and intimate details from them).

- Self sacrificing behaviour in that I constantly give to others more than looking after myself. Although caring is part of my nature, and that is valuable, I just need to have suitable boundaries in place.

- Unrelenting standards where my perfectionism comes through. And I'm a strong critic of myself.

These are all things I want to work on to become a truly whole, and functioning individual.

I am aiming to make myself the priority and focus on what I want for myself. Whatever relationship I'm in (parents, sister, boyfriend) I need to always be in control of what I want and need.

I've got my dog by my side, and I can achieve great things.

[smallwolf]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

I read what you said about what you worked out with your psychologist. Some of the things you mentioned about yourself I have also - perfectionism, self-sacrifice. There are other things that I have also - black and white thinking, labelling and the list goes on. Remember there are pros and cons with each of these, but when they become extreme they are a problem, so its about finding a balance, and I am hopeful that you will with your psychologist. It may take time ...

As you said, make yourself a priority. Good luck with your studies, and hope to hear from you again sometime.

Tim

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

It's lovely to hear from you again. I am sorry that I haven't replied; I've been away from the forums for a little bit.

I take it from your post it's probably time to change your username! I'm so happy to hear about what's been happening with you and how things have changed. Seriously - congratulations.

It also sounds like you've had some great insight into yourself and your behaviour - knowing these things and owning these things is such a strength. Tim is right in that these are pros and cons to each of these, but finding ways to manage them and let go of some of these coping mechanisms can be so helpful.

I know I've said this before but I hope that the next time that you feel lost, or even doubtful of your capabilities - just scroll up. Seeing the way things have changed for you, and actually in such a short time - shows how much inner strength and resilience that you have. You've not only been able to bounce back from anxiety, but thrive on it.

rt

[Lady_Nova]

I have GAD, MDD and c-PTSD and yep! you are my kinda normal!

What is normal anyway? It is generally what we perceive as everyone else's life experience, but let's be honest ... everyone is messed up one way or another.

I gave up on normal long ago. I am Pagan, a bit of a hippy, a locavore and a carer for 3 with disability. My life isn't someone else's normal, but I wouldn't want to be any other way. My mental illness doesn't define my lack of normal, my lifestyle and my passions do. I am an inde-bloody-vidual .... and THAT's ok!