Clarification on Generalised Anxiety Disorder - Is this what I am feeling?

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi there,

I recently separated from my partner, and having had anxiety in the past, big life changes seem to ignite my anxiety. My last episode was as a result of my uni degree finishing and possibly not having any direction in life, and I am now suffering from anxiety as well.

So from first instance, it would seem that my anxiety is situational. But then, it just keeps on going...

I start to suffer physical symptoms that my mind just can't get under control. There's the heart palpitations and general muscle shakes, and then the lack of appetite as well. And these symptoms last weeks, with no firm resolution ever just occurring.

My mind starts racing, and not only are my thoughts about the 'triggering event' but morph into 'worry about worry' and concern my self esteem and confidence - thoughts like: whether I am good enough, whether my anxiety will go away, whether I can ever be a truly functioning human being and whether I can truly live a full life?

I have seen (and am seeing) a psychologist and she asserts that what I am dealing with is GAD (with depression), because I certainly have my crying moments as well, and general down moments where 'I can't break through the ceiling of happiness'. My emotions have become muted.

Is what I am feeling normal for GAD? Am I normal? Is this normal?

Feeling so exhausted from my thoughts and my body being in such a tense state.

Any other stories of dealing with GAD would be greatly appreciated.

Sending love and support to all those in similar situations.

- ConfusedNAnxious

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ConfusedNAnxious,

You are normal, you are normal, this is normal. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much and I know how awful it can be but please know that what you're feeling is shared by so many people. If you ever get a chance, have a look through the anxiety threads and I am certain that you'll find people who are sharing the same experiences as you.

I personally have GAD and depression too, and I know that they are considered 'cousins'. The worry and heart palpitations are very much related to anxiety, and the feelings of being 'good enough' and having muted emotions are very much related to depression. It's a combo.

While I'm not sure what your sessions look like with the psychologist, hopefully they are giving you some coping strategies or helping you think a little bit differently about things. All of us have the capacity to rewire our brain which basically means that while your life is hard right now, what you are feeling isn't permanent. You can live a full life and you can absolutely be a functional human being.

I hope that this gives you some reassurance. Keep reaching out and asking questions! You are not alone in all of this.

rt

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi rt,

Thank you for your message.

Tears actually welled up in my eyes when you said - You can live a full life and you can absolutely be a functional human being.

That is what I want more than anything. I want so desperately to be happy and content in my mind and my body.

Some days, like today, I feel more sad than anything else. I feel sad that I am not happy, if that makes sense?

I am currently at work at the moment, and just feel like crying. I am so tired of it all.

From some of my other posts on here, I have been dealing with so much emotional upheaval and family pressure. It has been hard to know what I want to do with myself. I want to be so strong and independent and experience so much in life. But my heart aches for my ex - he had depression that was unresolved and we had to split up.

I am so sad, and if I am not sad, I am anxious about everything - my own future, what life will be like if I don't see him again, if I do (my parents don't want that). And i miss my pets that are with him.

And this is all compounded by the fact that my GAD has been triggered, and so many emotions (most of them uncontrollable) are running around unchecked.

Thank you for listening to me vent. My mental health issues and general life circumstances, make life so difficult at the moment.

[Betternow]

Hi there ConfusedNanxious

Let me compliment you on your articulate writing skills. It's a great gift.

Yep, those symptoms you describe fit neatly into the GAD diagnosis. Te trigger points you describe are well known and common. That's the bad news.

The good news is you can learn to manage anxiety and that will often improve your depression too. In my own case, i discovered my first therapy with a psychologist wasn't as helpful as I was hoping. I didn't apply myself to the exercises as diligently as I should have so I have to some responsibility. Five years later, I undertook more therapy and bingo, we clicked. I had a dramatic improvement. I still have to be mindful of my living habits in order to stay well.

Here's a few tips that I use to stay well.

Minimise intake of caffeine and alcohol.

Develop sound sleep habits.

Don't over commit to plans, invitations and work deadlines.

Avoid or at least minimise bad news films, stories etc

Don't get sucked into social media crap.

Practice, practice, practice all the mind exercises your therapist recommends.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

Oh you are so welcome - I'm glad that it meant so much to you and I really do mean it. I'd be happy to reassure you of that anytime.

It makes absolute sense that you'd be sad because you're not happy - it sounds like you are going through so much, and while I haven't read your other posts I know there's a part of me that doesn't need to because I can see how much you are struggling here. Of course you would be feeling sad and tired - it is exhausting work! Also - it's totally okay to cry. Ideally at home (ha!) - but if that's what's going to help, allow it.

How are things going with your psychologist?

Vent away. It's a safe space here. I'm giving you virtual hugs if you want them.

rt

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi rt,

Your messages help immensely. I thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and type a few words to me.

To know that happiness and true contentedness is a concept still available to me, is something that I do treasure. Because I really want to get back to myself and to be uninhibited in my happiness. I want to feel confident again and really relish in all that I do for myself.

I often find myself getting through the day, then just retiring relatively early to bed, watching trash TV and lying on my floor cuddling my dog.

I am also feeling a bit suffocated by my mum in particular - she has been rearranging my room without my permission and criticising me at least once a day - about my clothes, my appearance, everything.

I just feel so tired all the time, with general life and even being at home now (supposedly a safe space to be).

When my anxiety got so bad (the start of this anxiety period), I took the time to write a list of goals and then each day I wrote what I did and corresponded that with my goals. That way I could start seeing that I was capable of functioning even with the anxiety present. And I even pushed myself a bit more to do things that even when I felt fine I wouldn't have done.

At work, I pushed myself to be more social. I took the time to engage with people. Like, if I saw a book they were reading - I would spark up a conversation about it. Just stuff like that. Which has helped my confidence a bit, but my mind still really needs to click into gear to acknowledge what I have been doing for myself.

As for my psychologist, the last appointment I had, my parents came along to help provide my psychologist with some of their insights as to what was going on with me.

I definitely have a lot of self-confidence issues, and a detrimental need to look after others before myself. So, so far, my sessions have been predominately exploratory in discussing the issues I believe I have (i.e what are my anxiety triggers, and my GAD generally).

At the end of the last session, I did specify that I now want to work explicitly on some more Cognitive Behavioural Therapy strategies and really start rewiring my brain (as you mentioned in your first post).

I look forward to just feeling 'lighter' and more free in my actions. The depression cloud associated with this anxiety can be a real bummer to deal with as well.

I am readily accepting your virtual hugs, and send you some in return.

I hope to hear from you again soon.

Once again, thanks so much.

[Step_Twelve]

Hi ConfusedNanxious.

Isn't it a huge relief to have a plan? Reading through your experiences, I can identify with many of them. My anxiety began with occasional panic attacks, which then became more frequent, and then kind of morphed into attacks of complete despair and hopelessness. My psychologist said that a panic disorder can easily transform into depression if it gets too intense for too long.

I responded really well to CBT, and I hope it works for you too. Your exercise in journaling your goals and achievements so that you can see things more objectively is already similar to how CBT works (just be careful not to be too demanding or hard on yourself during this period of recovery). You seem like a pragmatic and insightful thinker, so CBT should gel with you easily.

I also had some medication for about 18 months which seemed to make CBT easier. Once I was familiar with the techniques (and I guess some "rewiring" had happened), I worked with my psychologist and GP to gradually come off the medication.

It sounds like you have a number of things to work through with your psychologist, so try to be patient with the process and stick with it for a while. Also, don't be afraid to ask for someone different if you're not quite connecting with your current therapist. It can sometimes take a few tries to find someone whose personality and techniques work for you.

It actually sounds like you're doing great, even though you're feeling pretty down lately. You're getting expert help, pushing yourself to do things despite the disinclinations of anxiety/depression, you're reaching out to others with similar experiences, and you have a really promising plan for recovery. All that makes more a pretty great prognosis!

Do stay in touch, and I hope you have a great Christmas.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Step Twelve,

During my first anxiety episode, I started on CBT and it did seem to work, and I was well on the way to recovery (and for a while there I did seem completely recovered).

But given that it (anxiety) has reared its ugly head again, I have started delving deeper into the reasons why I react to life changes like this. As in, my body goes into anxiety mode when big changes (that directly affect me individually) occur.

Having spoken to my psychologist (with the input of my mum), it seems that some childhood factors could be at play. When I was about 12, my twin sister developed OCD surrounding keeping external things outside her bedroom - including me. I think during that time, I may have been scarred by what I was seeing her go through, and this may have inadvertently caused me to really care about people (but to my detriment). I catered to her compulsions so that I could spend time with her and have the most quality time with my best friend. Later on, my sister developed a major anxiety disorder but entered recovery, just like her OCD. She does however, always seem to run on a baseline of unchecked anxiety and this has implications for her health too - she is very skinny and eats very little. I think this has effected me, and given she is younger (by a few minutes) there is this natural compulsion to look out for her.

This is something that I will need to talk about my psychologist about, but given that I developed mechanisms to care for others rather than myself, the anxiety (and thoughts of hopelessness etc.) may be brought on by the fact that I now need to re-orientate my thoughts to focus on myself and my own well being - something which I haven't really done in the past. And I am now fearful of that on a subconscious level.

I have always been a highly empathetic person as well - always the shoulder to cry and lean on. When my grandfather died, and there was a big commotion among my mum and her 10! other siblings, I became her sounding board and felt isolated from everyone as my mum was doing the most ethical things as the executor of his will (but all the siblings had their own personal (monetary) interests at heart).

My first anxiety attack, surrounded the finishing of my law degree (I ended up having to extend it out due to my anxiety). I had four subjects to go, and just woke up one day in the throws of anxiety just after I had finished the previous set of exams.

So CBT will need to surround this concept and help counter negative ideas

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

Oh you are so welcome - it means a lot to me to hear you say that and I'm really glad you've felt like it was okay to share what's been happening with you.

That sounds so hard - not only are you dealing with anxiety and depression, but coming home to your mum criticising you and moving your things? Home is the one place that's supposed to be a bit of a retreat, but it sounds like you don't really have that there.

Have you ever talked to your mum about what she's saying or the impact this has on you? You mentioned that your parents came along to the psychologist with you so it makes me wonder if she'd be open to hearing about how your mum can make things a little better.

That's such a great idea to write down your goals and to push yourself a little out of your comfort zone. That's not an easy step. This is something I do too, kind of - I have a little notebook and I write down the things that I did well, even if they are seemingly little things to other people. Is this something that helped, seeing how 'functional' you can be? I know for me my head is constantly relaying stories about not being good enough or doing enough, so having those reminders really helps me see that I'm actually doing okay.

CBT also sounds like a great step. It sounds like your psychologist is pretty supportive and on board with helping you feel better and you can click with them too - that alone can be half the battle!

The other thing I thought I'd ask, or encourage you to think about - are the times where you do feel a little lighter and things do feel a little easier. Even if it's only small snippets, thinking about those times can help. Also, are there places that you can retreat to, and really be yourself, free of criticism?

rt

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi rt,

As always, your messages are so insightful.

It is a hard one, trying to talk to my mum. Because often, when I do bring up the concepts of boundaries, she automatically thinks I am hiding something or there is something wrong with me (i.e. an increase in my mental health issues, for example).

My mum means well, but I also know her better than anyone else, and so her caring is often portrayed as being 'overly observant' where she is constantly watching and waiting and insinuating things that aren't true.

On the flip side, she has been checking in more with me each day (in a more positive manner). She checks how I am feeling each morning, which is nice because I can see there is a bit more understanding there.

Being able to see how 'functional' I am each day has certainly provided some more 'normality' to my days. Although my mind is yet to fully catch up to what my body has been doing (i.e. achieving the different goals), I have come a fair way in terms of the initial spark of this GAD.

I am seeing glimpses of 'goodness' in each day. A lot of it has to do with spending time with my dog, but these feelings have also transferred to work, so it is nice to know that work is somewhat enjoyable (and a place to be away from family for a while).

Apart from my own bedroom in the family home, I don't have a lot of space to myself. But spending time walking my dog helps refresh my mind a fair bit.

It's funny how anxiety infects everything, and I was so apprehensive to even message a friend on Facebook to talk because I didn't want my anxiety hanging over the top of me. But I have been pushing myself more to reconnect and connect with many people - old friends, new friends, everyone.

I have even reconnected with a cousin of mine who lives in another state, but we chat almost every day and talk openly about mental health (much like on this forum).

So even when anxiety makes my days hard, it has given me the opportunity to connect with a few more people, and that is something pretty special.

How have you been? I hope you are going well.

Your posts are always so articulate and a pleasure to read - as they are so kind and caring, and considerate.

- CnA