Can I trust myself?

[Olivesbranch]

Hi Everyone,

I have GAD and OCD. I see a psychiatrist and psychologist and 7 months ago I started taking medication (much to my dismay) but it has helped take the edge off a bit.

Lately I have been suffering from, what I now think is derealisation. Has anyone else have any experience with it?

For the longest time I have thought I was going to have a psychotic break. I did not know what was real and what wasn't and the most frightening thing was I could not describe it to anyone!! Nobody understood what I was trying to say. How do you say to someone that you don't know what is reality anymore?

I would beg my boyfriend to take me to the hospital because I was sure I had a brain tumour or was about to have a breakdown, but he never believed me. It happens in moments when I am extremely stressed, have extreme anxiety or a panic attack. Conversations don't make sense, the way people look doesn't seem right and I cannot centre myself or comprehend what is going on around me. It is just... nothing seems real!

Then I came across derealisation. It sounds like what happens to me and is described as a natural coping mechanism for moments of high stress and anxiety. It is so scary and makes me not even trust my own mind anymore. I don't know what I think or what I feel and if it is right or not. I am so confused all the time.

Does this happen to anybody else?

Thank You!!

[White_Rose]

Dear Olivesbranch

Hello and welcome. What you are describing can be very frightening. It can simply be a reaction to high stress levels. However the best way to manage this is to talk with a mental health professional. I see you meet with a psychiatrist and psychologist. It would be best to talk with these people first.

Some of these feeling take time to go away but if you know what is happening and why it will be great help. Start talking with whichever psych you see first.

I hope you can become more comfortable in this situation and learn how to control your anxiety.

Mary

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Olivesbranch,

I feel the dererealisation that you have described sounds frightening and deeply unnerving. I think that I would be feeling very rattled too if I were in your shoes...good on you for reaching out here.

I feel Mary made a great suggestion to discuss it with your psychologist and psychiatrist to see what they think. Another consideration, only if you haven’t done it recently, is maybe request a full health/body check just to rule out any underlying physical health reasons that could cause derealisation. Just a gentle suggestion from me...

I wonder if you mean dissociation when you say derealisation? I’m not sure if the 2 are the same but I feel there is a lot of overlap between the 2. I’ve found that people on the forums often comment that using various grounding and mindfulness techniques helpful when they dissociate.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve been feeling a little emotionally numb lately. I’ve found engaging with my senses helpful to remind me of my physical reality. For example, using my touch receptors by squeezing my pillow, spraying perfume (smell), lighting applying pressure with my fingertips on walls (touch), etc.

You’re most welcome to update us, vent, etc here so if you feel like it, we would be happy to hear from you again. But no pressure, it’s up to you 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Olivesbranch]

Hi Again,

Thank you both for the advice, I will definitely take it onboard.

Some days I feel like I am making progress and other days I feel like I am worse than I have ever been. It is not even day to day that my mood changes, more like hour to hour! It is exhausting! And the most confusing part? Nothing even happens to set me off!! I could just be watching a movie, reading a book, talking to a friend or sitting by myself and then BAMM! All of sudden I am sad or angry or anxious!!

It is like something gets released in my body and the feelings flood through. Like someone is injecting doses of emotions and thoughts into me and I can't control them. They decide how I am going to feel NOT ME!

I want so desperately to be in control again!!!

[White_Rose]

Hello Olivesbranch

Unfortunately any mental illness can come back to bite us at any time. It seems a little unfair that when you have made some progress you appear to have gone back a few steps. Along with many other people I have been in that situation and wondered what happened. It is especially frustrating to go back a few steps when you are happy about your progress.

I understand that sudden flood of emotion out of the blue. I ask the same questions, where does it come from and why. In general the best place to discuss this with is your MH team. It's also good to talk here where many people have had similar experiences. I think everyone has their own coping mechanisms and we can pass on our successes to those needing help.

I have found these thoughts get triggered by the simplest and most ordinary things and that is why it is so difficult to manage. When it does happen I feel as though everything in my body has stopped as though I am frozen. Then when that passes I have this intense desire to burst into tears or scream just to get the emotion out of my system. Of course we are taught not to do this in public so we manage to contain the feeling. It's not easy.

I had a very bad experience of dissociation a while ago while waiting for a train and found myself in all sorts of trouble. It is as though someone else has taken control of both our mind and body. Worst of all you are in the middle of what is happening before you realise what is happening.

So what can you do? Pepper has given you a couple of suggestions and they can be very powerful. It is amazing how much touch can keep us in the present. Of course you may not be in a position to do any of these actions. I don't know how to stop having these feelings, though I am working on this. I find myself more alert to recognising them in action and more able to take control. It takes practice.

I made a list of actions. It must be varied because of the different circumstances we encounter. Watching TV and a remark or action has me in that place. For me, turning off the TV is the best help. Similarly with reading, shut the book. Do something completely different. If you are sitting, go and do something active. I'm sure your garden always weeding, I know mine does. Walk around your garden or the block. Put on some music you can sing along with. I enjoy singing and it's easier to get away from myself as I am sure you understand.Work out actions to manage the different scenarios. It will help.

Mary

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Olivesbranch,

It’s great to hear from you again. Thank for that...

The sudden bursts (for lack of a better word) of emotion sounds very unsettling and distressing. It must take a lot out of you emotionally and even physically.

I think Mary gave some wise advice about how switching from one activity to another might help to offset some of the dissociation. But if this isn’t a possibility, maybe after each derealisation experience, you could try to write down what happened before, during (i.e. what you recall even if it’s something like “no recollection of what happened for 10 minutes”) and after (e.g. what helped to bring you back to “reality”).

I feel perhaps will, over time, help you identify a pattern and therefore maybe a new strategy for yourself. Plus it’s something that you could show your psych team as they might have ideas on how to help you better manage your emotions and derealisation. Just a gentle suggestion...

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Carmysaurus84]

I can totally relate!