But life IS scary for me

[Simona]

Being alive is like being inside a pinball machine and now and then someone comes along and try to give it a good tilt.   

Like the new car sitting in the driveway that I'm too scared to drive.  Partner and his parents don't understand. They keep checking in on me like I'm mentally disabled "So have you gone for a drive yet"?  they ask gently     NO. I want the old car back because it was a machine not a computer. Except I'm trapped here in the desert and need to drive into nearest town for supplies. For anything.

This is a rant now. Living in the country is not what I imagined it would be.  If I had a horse to ride I'd be happier somewhat but..i'm bored with the scenery & lack of things to do.  I'm bored of collecting insects/arachnids now and lost interest in photography. And all the locals (men mostly )congregate at the pub and drink beer and talk about crops/their health issues or small town gossip. I went in there and spied so I know.   Or the very old people rake leaves seemingly.....till early evening.    Just depresses me.   You grow old.  Rake leaves. Or make Jam.

Not me!!! I don't belong here : / I want to go places - Brazil in particular. I  want to visit Mt Corcovado and just stand in the shadow of Christ The Redeemer wearing my arait's and a nice summery white cotton dress.     I'm not meant for here but partner says we are not moving because his business is here and 'chugging along nicely'.   

*Further more and yet on another topic*

I can't believe I am unable to continue writing my so called novel.   It's like 4 years in the making now and I pulled out the manifesto yesterday and thought:   who the hell wrote all this?   And how am I supposed to finish it?  what drugs do I need to be on?  Where is this person? Which brings me to worry that I don't know who I am and maybe I have another personality I left somewhere...like a missing sock.

[Steve154]

That is a very good analogy.

It's great that you're looking beyond your situation. I'm probably not addressing your issues directly but there are many exciting things that can be sourced from arachnids (they're really not that boring once you look at the stuff that is in their venom and what they can do). I work with such venoms indirectly but I could introduce you to people who are really passionate about the subject (including ones from Brazil!). Would that be of any help/inspiration to you?

[Simona]

Hello 

oh no I never think Arachnids are boring.  It's the entire process of collecting them that can be a very drawn out frustrating process  with me fighting off clouds of these shitty little bush flies while kneeling in the red dust or checking/emptying my specimen buckets.  And being snake season I guess I'm rather put off because last year I almost stepped back onto a Western Brown and then it stopped being fun.  

Well thank-you for the offer Steve  : )   My interest in spiders pretty much evolved from the fact I am slowly losing my mind here in the great Australian outback. Well more or less: it's all scrub and red dirt.  It's make your own fun or go insane.   And I'm not a Tv biscuit person.  I don't like sitting around because I always have ideas.

Yesterday I was feeling very blank like the colours beige and brown while I was hanging out the washing but then Chicken came over and stood close beside me and gave me this look.   She knows a thing or two. She was a battery bird and now she is in paradise.  I  put my wet sock on her back to see what she would do and that was a laugh.    She strutted around with my sock on and everytime I came close to pulling it off she went faster and faster.  

And....wait for it:   I  finally drove the new car.   Partner took me into town to this auto place and said to choose my own seat covers etc. To fancy it up except no stickers.  And I drove it home so I don't feel so anxious about that business now.

[Simona]

Today I feel like some small misunderstood burrowing animal who needs to be tranquilized.  A meerkat with the temperament of a wolverine and the manic tenacity of a blowfly.

Things have been bad again because my mum's little dog died.  Well i cried so much yesterday and hardly ate and maybe slept a couple of hours last night but i was awake again at 4am and feeling sharp towards partner who can't breathe properly from the pollen issue.   He actually does look like an animal because his eyes go really small like a mole's and i told him that.

And i couldn't sleep and my brain and tum was hurting from thinking but i couldn't get off the word rollercoaster. And that's exactly what it felt like:  the up and down.   A feeling i don't like because I'm scared it's going to unshackle something that i had weighed down and pushed off the deep end many years ago.   

And then the carriage jerked and jolted on in the darkness and my foot flexed like some spastic and i was back to thinking about how terrified i am of losing control and being controlled and how i need to be and must be the MASTER CONTROLLER.  

And this is all i can say

[HelenM]

Hi Simona

It's not being in control of our mind that 's so scary as you know. I m finding it such a struggle. I m scared of my fear and it 's making life miserable. I  just hope it improves.  And I hope things pick up for you. 

[Simona]

Thanx Helen  : )   sorry you are struggling also.  

I'm a mother and I need to tell myself this when not feeling well in the head and looking hard into the mirror.   

I'm trying to catch up on sleep and it's hard because i don't sleep well.  Without enough I'm just too much too fast and the paranoia has now kicked in and i keep feeling like I'm being followed or stared at when i go out. That hunted feeling from my youth when i was trying to outwalk my own shadow.

and I don't want to be touched  and partner keeps coming at me, to wash my back or to kiss me kiss me and hold me and corner me.    If i can i will just go for a drive later or hide in spare room with my Ipod .   I will at some stage then get a note showed under the door. 

I will be ok.  This is what i call third gear grinding.  Not pleasant but it will pass

[Simona]

Sunshine Superman

I slept in and partner made me a shot of wheatgrass juice and told me to have the day to myself and gave me $50 to spend as I like.  So i had my usual grapefruit then drove to the regional art gallery where I sat for a long time just staring. 

A video was playing and I was transfixed.  A man was dancing in the most achingly beautiful way.  It looked effortless and raw. Unrehearsed.  It was emotion in MOTION and I was besotted because he looked perfectly imperfect with his three day growth, messed up hair and torn clothes. 

*He reminded me of where iv'e been* and there is nothing in this world that will make me forget - no fancy handmade soaps, no NIKE no Statesman.      This I know

Then later; to my favourite eatery where I just ate the froth off my cappucino and played with my mobile phone because I was feeling the paranoia.   And i didn't even have cake which is a big deal for me.

Because I have this motto stuck in my head : Life is too short NOT to have your cake and eat it too so....once a month I have a slice of cake from this eatery and it can be any cake although my favourite is carrot with cream cheese icing and walnuts on top.

And I watched people smiling at one another and talking without* my sunglasses on and thought to myself that I don't think I will ever have a friend to look at art with or eat with because simply that kind of person does not exist.  The kind of person who sees the world like me and THINKS like me.

And in a strange way I think that's ok because if someone like me did exist and want to be my friend then maybe it would be dangerous and limitless and we wouldn't know when to stop

[Simona]

Ok.  The house is clean.

This is just a briefing really. I could do it with the mounted mirror in the living room or the shower wall but I like coming here because this thread is like a diary now and I just want to say that everything is ok  : )

Days like today are only good for: 

1. Staying at inside

2. Cleaning

3. Keeping busy

4. Only answering mobile NOT home phone.   This is because a man rang last friday and didn't even let me speak so I screamed into receiver and hung up.   And I almost had an episode and seriously some people have no idea who they are playing with.    

5. Watching youtube tutorials and listening tomusic

[Simona]

hello

I thought of more things to add to the list of scary/anxiety related material like zebra crossings.  I don't like to walk in front of all the drivers because I feel like everyone is staring at me so I will deliberately wait until all cars have gone.   And this can take a little time so I stop and turn away pretending I have to take an urgent phone call

Public toilets.  I have had some epic anxiety attacks in them when out of hand sanitizer.  I have to use almost a yard of toilet paper or the entire packet of those crepe paper toilet tissues just to get out. Because I'm scared of touching everything and sometimes I quickly look back before the door closes and think the F word.  Because they don't always have a bin

[Simona]

Now I'm feeling pretty sad  : (  I'm not going to write why in this thread because that is giving life to it and I don't want to think about it but

I AM scared of pain and things I don't trust like medications.    And I sometimes think I will lose my mind before anything else gets me anyway

[Simona]

Still sad

I donated a heap of my stuff today because i have too much i don't even wear.  I dragged it into my favourite op shop in a rubbish bag and it tore open and i was starting to get hot in the face . 

Iv'e been thinking a lot about things that make me sad.   One of which is the communication business and how I just can't connect. How I don't get jokes and don't laugh at jokes because there's  nothing funny .

And here i confess something :   up until the age of 12 when i started at the new school i didn't know you celebrate your birthday every year ok.   I  just thought that we get born and then we die and that's it.   

And my dad used to set booby traps outside the perimeter of the house with nails and sharp things to keep my boyfriends away and some of those traps were spring loaded  and he used to work out there hammering and mum was in fear of him.

There were things to be scared of but i was more scared IN the house than of the world beyond it