But life IS scary for me

[Simona]

Being alive is like being inside a pinball machine and now and then someone comes along and try to give it a good tilt.   

Like the new car sitting in the driveway that I'm too scared to drive.  Partner and his parents don't understand. They keep checking in on me like I'm mentally disabled "So have you gone for a drive yet"?  they ask gently     NO. I want the old car back because it was a machine not a computer. Except I'm trapped here in the desert and need to drive into nearest town for supplies. For anything.

This is a rant now. Living in the country is not what I imagined it would be.  If I had a horse to ride I'd be happier somewhat but..i'm bored with the scenery & lack of things to do.  I'm bored of collecting insects/arachnids now and lost interest in photography. And all the locals (men mostly )congregate at the pub and drink beer and talk about crops/their health issues or small town gossip. I went in there and spied so I know.   Or the very old people rake leaves seemingly.....till early evening.    Just depresses me.   You grow old.  Rake leaves. Or make Jam.

Not me!!! I don't belong here : / I want to go places - Brazil in particular. I  want to visit Mt Corcovado and just stand in the shadow of Christ The Redeemer wearing my arait's and a nice summery white cotton dress.     I'm not meant for here but partner says we are not moving because his business is here and 'chugging along nicely'.   

*Further more and yet on another topic*

I can't believe I am unable to continue writing my so called novel.   It's like 4 years in the making now and I pulled out the manifesto yesterday and thought:   who the hell wrote all this?   And how am I supposed to finish it?  what drugs do I need to be on?  Where is this person? Which brings me to worry that I don't know who I am and maybe I have another personality I left somewhere...like a missing sock.

[Simona]

and something else

I was sick with the schizophrenia but  didn't know what was wrong with me.  I slept under my bed with a hatchet i stole out of dad's shed.  I was scared of my parents.  And i was scared of the highway overpass because it was calling me and i begged to be tied down but no-one listened.  Only dad called me names

 And i wanted friends SO much but i was FREAK at school. So i used to go to the local cemetery and talk to the dead people and put flowers on graves which had none and i wanted to go to them because i felt they could love me.

I know everyone reading this will think me mad but this is me . From the age of 12 to 21 it was cemeteries and animals. Mostly cemeteries where i would just lie on the grass . And then i was hired to work in adult sector by a man and i didn't go to places like uni, tafe or normal jobs like most people.      I just had to look beautiful and do as told

And now I'm here and i can smile.  I have the gratitude in the veins   : )

[Simona]

To end;

I USED to think I lived in a haunted house except the only haunted one was me. 

[Chris_B]

Hi Simona, I know you said above that you were just wanting to people to listen and not necessarily say anything; just wanted to check in as you have been posting in here for a while now. If you're wanting some responses from the community on something specific, please let us know how we can help. 

[Simona]

Hello Christopher  : )

No questions at this stage.    Just  needed  to communicate.  I have been using this thread to express unload because if I do it in real time I get  killer migraines after.  I hope I haven't made things awkward for anyone.  

If I have please let me know : ) 

Respectfully Yours,

Simona

Ps- I  will try to participate more in giving advice because I do want to 'give' back to the community.  I just have to find myself first again.    I will give this place a rest for the weekend and not post.  Maybe just lurk

[Simona]

Okay.   I just want to say that I have been thinking a lot on Friday night and Saturday was a nightmare but yesterday I felt somewhat together

I spent Friday night crying but no-one knew because it was after 2am.  And the reason why was because I felt really bad like I had done something out of line here.    Because I see your gentle face Christopher and I feel maybe you and possibly others have grown weary of my story-like lamenting and want me to just ask a question so you can give me directions.  Because I felt singled out and I find that kind of attention like a thumb in the rib:  I was squirming all night thinking:   they must think I'm a bona fide nutcase and want to help me on my way. 

And Saturday was no better because I was sleep deprived and manic and I was still feeling bad about the above.  And I was just going through the motions and talking to myself in my head = "Just SHUT UP!.  Just SHUT UP!.   Like in that movie Nightshift when Chuck tells Bill to shut-up because he is at breaking point.  It was like that but for me it's a solo thing.   

My peculiar style of self expression is the only way to share.   I can't just blurt out a distress and make it all emotional because I just can't.   I'm not that good with communicating and relating to others although I do have better days.

I stress I live in very small world here.  There are things I can't speak of to others in my town regardless of their framed doctorate on the wall and somethings I just can't talk about at all because I feel it would destroy me.

So I came here because I feel safer hiding behind a sun bleached splintered doll's hand in the red dirt.

Sometimes all you need to do is just listen  : ) 

[Chris_B]

Hi Simona, no not awkward at all, I just thought I'd check in as there haven't been any responses for a while. With the longer threads, members sometimes don't check in because they see the number of replies and think that the discussion already is busy, so they'll check threads with less replies. 

[geoff]

dear Simona, hello I'm sorry but I have been away for a few days helping my son and running (quote unquote because I can't ) after my 2 little grand daughters who also love chasing Moo-Moo my little puppie around.

I have only read your posts briefly but I wonder if you have any OCD, but please give me some time to re-read all the posts, in the mean time please take care. Geoff. x

[Simona]

Hello Geoff : )   gosh what a freaky weird thing - I say this because I posted something in the Community Board and the little dog in the movie preview reminded me of your little dog and I was secretly hoping you would stumble upon it and here I find you posted in my thread and it's a real nice kind of wow : )

OCD.   Aha.  Well it started when I was 10 when our house went up in flames with all our things.   I don't remember much but from there onwards I began talking to God like he was a person because I thought if anyone could protect me and my family it would be him. Because that's what you do when you are scared - you pray and so I did into my clasped hands over and over through the day and it became a kind of chant.

And then years later my dog succumbed to illness and died.  And God was nowhere. All the begging/praying/letter writing amounted to nothing and I felt pretty angry  

And replaced praying with exercise and became fanatically immersed in the high of the 'burn'.  I used to powerwalk from 12am - up until dawn with a backpack.  Long distance hikes.  I done these without fail up to twice a week so I know all about shin splints/heel spurs

These days my OCD mainly revolves around making sure everyone is breathing through the night except partner because he snores very loud .

I just need to make sure because I can't sleep otherwise .   My 10 year old stopped breathing one night and we had to call the ambulance.  I panicked so bad watching my partner trying to get him breathing and partner yelled at me because I began hyperventilating in front of him and he ordered me to leave the room. My son is an asthmatic 

Anyway that's enough for now

[geoff]

dear Simona, well it's amazing because I think my OCD began when I prayed for no one to die and this was when I was about 5 or 6 as my grand parents, great uncles were all passing away, but pray never worked for me so my OCD started, and now I'm 61 and have had it for 55 or 56 years. Geoff. x

[Simona]

I'm sorry Geoff.  I didn't know about your little dog in the photo until about 4 minutes ago.  I hope I didn't upset with my previous post.  I really don't even know why I had to post that in thought of you here but I just felt important to let you know.

 : )