Bullying and Social Anxiety

[Gia_10]

Hi, all! So recently, i was doing a clean out and come across some papers of which i had written about a pretty traumatic experience i had years ago when i was in high school. Reading over it brought back painful memories of the nightmare i had endured over the 2 years i was at this school. Long story short- i was a victim of some extreme bullying- physical, social, psychological, all of it. Completely forgetting all about this- it made me realise where all my anxiety stems from.. i also went through a pretty rough childhood, being stuck in the middle of family matters. Im not one to feel sorry for myself- yeh, ive been through ALOT- i turnes to drugs and alcohol at one point in my late teens before doing a full 360 and trying to get my life back on track- by then, i was 19 and my anxiety hit an all time low- Particularly social anxiety. Although now, im alot better, im still having many bad days and i almost always have this 'niggling' feeling that im uneasy and self concious. Currently still on ssri's and have been in and out of therapy for years and will be in for a medication review with a highly reputable psychyiatrist soon. Despite support from family (im ashamed to have my friends know i suffer from social anxiety), i practise cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness, meditation, im a mum of two, i hold two jobs, and ive been training in 'bodybuilding' sports for 2 years (ive only competed once, so far), so im leading a very productive and healthy lifestyle, but nearly every single day i continue to have panic attacks and i continuously push myself.. sometimes it just feels hopeless.. knowing its been 15 years and i still suffer. Really, i just want to get better so i can be the best mother, partner, worker, athlete, whatever and this anxiety is really getting in the way- sometimes ill freeze when im in the middle of shopping. Ill feel like the ground is going to swollow me. Suddenly everyone around me looks like they hate me. I know its probably irrational, but i actually have episodes where i feel paranoid. I feel stupid for not getting over this. Telling myself to 'harden up' isnt really helping. Is there hope in recovering and living a much happier and productive life where i can connect with others and just move on??

[PamelaR]

Hello Gia

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. So pleased you found your way here. Anxiety can be so debilitating some times can't it.

Be assured - you are not stupid! Nor do you have to harden up. My word, you live a very full life. You sound like wonderwoman. I'm not trying to be funny when I say that at all. I'm trying to give you some encouragement for what you do achieve! In one word - Awesome.

Anxiety takes it out of you. I know. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. I too have achieved a lot in my life. But like you, I too feel like the panic attacks get in the way. I retired last year and that sent me into a spin that lasted awhile. I'm not sure if one is ever truly over anxiety, because sometimes you never know where the triggers are going to come from.

But what I am absolutely certain about is - it is manageable. You can stay healthy, have an excellent relationship with someone, bring up your children beautifully, play sport and anything else you want to do. It just means, sometimes you have to work that little harder when 'IT' bites and reduce stress. It's learning what triggers you, how to be prepared when that happens, recognise you may do a bit of a spin, but that is okay. There are many of us out there who do. So you are not alone, it's also okay to be gentle on yourself.

Get rid of 'perfectionism'. You'd be surprised at how much better you'll feel. Don't get me wrong, it just doesn't go like easily. It takes a lot of self work. Which leads me to - Do you have a doctor and a therapist that you see regularly? They do find different ways to approach mental health, so it's good to keep up appointments with them. Especially if you have a downer.

I now look at my anxiety as something that is there - I have recovered from my initial recollection of a childhood trauma from sexual, physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Though I have to make sure I manage myself so I - don't get stressed, that I eat well, exercise, socialise, and express what's troubling me. I am very happy and very productive when I'm well. I'm well 80-90% of the time. I can live very happily with that. You sound like an exceptionally positive person, so I expect you to will be able to achieve that. Sorry can't guarantee 100%.

If you're interested in having a look at the BB home page, look at the facts page and do a search for anxiety - you'll find a lot of resources available.

Please let us know how you get on.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Gia_10]

Perfectly spoken, Pamela. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and respond with such wise words! Yes, some of us do have a tendency to be a perfectionist- im one of them and need to work on letting that go a bit, im sure it would make a great difference and something empowering to work on.

Im sorry to hear what you went through- but you're here, and you have a whole future ahead of you.

Thanks again, i am new to this site, so ill be checking out the BB facts forum.

All the very best to you!

Kind regards,

Gia

[PamelaR]

Hello Gia

Thanks for getting back to us. Yes, empowerment is a wonderful thing to have. Said beautifully.

You did go through a terrible experience at school and that is very sad. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away for you. Unfortunately, I can't. Though, look at yourself and what you've achieved!! So you to will be able to move on in your life and leave the trauma behind. It can be hard work at times - but believe me, you have it in you to heal and recover.

Sending you virtual support on your journey.

Kind regards

PamelaR