Brave face

[hushed]

I put on the brave face every morning. I go through my morning routine. The voice tells me I am too slow. I will make us late. Then I hear the footsteps on the hardwood floors. It confirms I am slow. It is my fault. We will be late. The heart races. I feel sick. And that is the start of my day,

 I set myself up for failure without realising. I can't stop the thoughts. They carry into my professional space. I know my craft yet a sub-dialogue starts ranting about whether I can manage.

And that is only half of it. There is the immediate family activities,The raising of kids and being something to others. I love these people too much to share the pain of my reality. So I push it all back in and surf the web for solutions. I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder but choose not to share due to my partner's misunderstanding of the condition. I try really hard to ignore symptoms with a "get over it" attitude. It isn't working.

Huge step being taken here. Suggestions are welcome.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi hushed,

I am glad you found the strength to post.

It is not uncommon for loved ones to misunderstand and mental illness and that is something I think you can address in time.

Initially, though, are you see a psychologist now? If so, what is s/he suggesting? If you've had therapy, are there signs of progress.

I'd be keen to learn more about your situation.

Kind regards, John.

[hushed]

Hi John,

I am not seeing a psychologist at this time. I did two years ago. I was learning how to manage the negative thoughts. At that time I was diagnosed with general anxiety. With treatment, my confidence grew and so did my ability to speak out, share an opinion or defend what I was feeling. My partner did not appreciate the change and thought the psychologist was turning me against him. I gave-in and stopped booking appointments with the psychologist. A response learned through years of being bullied at school. Smile, give in, and keep quiet.I was fine for a while.

Then work and family became unbalanced. The dark thoughts kicked. I didn't want to feel this way anymore. so I started researching methods to re-train my brain. Easier said than done on my own. The negative thoughts and "what if" scenarios continue plague my head. And they are triggered by ridiculously normal daily activities.

My biggest fear is that everybody finds out that I have these thoughts and they leave me.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi hushed,

I am sorry your partner is not supportive. Have you talked to him about feeling bullied and needing support? Would he listen if you tried? Do you have any other support?

It seems from you post that the therapy was helping you and I would suggest that the quickest way to a better place would be to resume it, if you can.

Whenever I used to feel overwhelmed in a situation, I used to tell myself that it was time to become selfish and do what I needed - which is the total opposite of who I normally am - because I would rather have the upheaval and its consequences than be overwhelmed. That's just me.

How old are your children? Who are you most worried would find out that you have these thoughts? If you were my partner, I would want you to be able to confide in me. 

I know these are hard questions to answer and that maybe you are not in a position to seek therapy without your partner's support. Are you able to find the time to call the 1300 number here and talk to someone?

Please let me know if you find a workable option.

Kind regards, John.

[Maxco]

hushed,
welcome to the forums.  

I agree with CrashCoyote in that you should return/continue to seek professional help.  I have been there and still there.  

You say your partner is not supportive. Is it because he won't admit it but may be he doesn't know how to handle the situation and in his own way is anxious and unable to cope?  
Is he fully aware of your past?

As far as "what-if" - when you see yourself heading down the bad what-ifs path, accept that you are and try not to fight it.  You will not win a fight with your own mind so try to imagine a few good what-if scenarios or alternatively think of some "good times"  from your past - they may only be fleeting memories but try and expand on them.  It is difficult to do, to think good thoughts, but they are ultimately better in the long run than "bad" what-if's with negativity.  

[hushed]

Thanks for your reply, Crash and Maxco.

I have minimal support and at this time I cannot burden my partner. He has a critical family matter with which he is dealing. My children are in their early teens. They need a strong role model. Consequently, I ignore my own needs.

I suppose this is the reason I reached out for support. And through reading the blogs I found out about Mindspot. I am going to have a crack at it.

I will keep you posted.

[hushed]

It has taken me two years to supply an update. No pressure, right?

I have not sought professional advice to manage my anxiety. I've spent the last two years seeking professional advice for my child who has been bullied. My partner and I thought it would be okay. But the weight of the words fell heavy on my child. The child has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. The professionals have put the child on medication. In the mean time the child has moved into adolescence and has morphed into something I do not recognise. The attitude, the risky behaviour, the self-harm . . . Recovery feels out of reach.

Despite the current situation, I feel like the child will recover. It will be over. Ever day is a struggle, but I have to believe that someday this child will re-build confidence and be able to recover.

Please somebody tell me that this is possible.

[Redav]

Attitude and risky behaviours are normal for teens, and especially so for troubled ones. What I found with my daughter was keep trying and never stop showing you care and love them. damn thats easy to say with hindsight. Hang tough because it does get better in most cases.
My daughter would.... (these started when she was in grade 8 after being horribly bullied in grade 7)
Be dropped off at the school gate and walk through the school and out the other side
would sell her ADHD drugs
Deliberately OD on her ADHD drugs
Occasionally get angry enough to throw whatever was near her at me in anger (including the odd kitchen knife)
need to be bailed out of remand due to continued shoplifting


I could do nothing but offer her my support and love.
Don't emotionally abandon your child (its hard especially having just dodged a steak knife)
Keep trying to steer them in the right direction.
She is now 21 and has her own daughter.
and it really wasn't until she was in her late 17's when I was impressing that her arrests and other actions would have much more serious consequences that she started to calm down.
Confrontation and demands will not work and may be counter productive
I was never going to stop her drinking so instead I asked her to tell me where she was going so I knew where to go if she called me in an emergency. I knew about 50% of the time for sure where she was though I thought at the time it was closer to 80%
I'd love to say its easy but its not. You can however get through it. Keep talking and communicating even if at the time it feels like your talking to a brick wall. (i've heard my daughter several times quote me nearly word for word to her own daughter, so they do often hear even if they don't listen. Also I found it good to remember your own childhood, as often you realise how often you yourself were up to no good or out of parental sight.

It will get better... support, believe, hope
its just not going to happen quickly but with support by you it does get better

my daughter is now a lovely girl with a lovely daughter and her caring and considerate side did come back