At war with myself

[ChilliDog]

I almost lost my job 6 months ago, and since then I've been really struggling with waves of grief and despair that will seemingly come from nowhere. After I almost lost my job, it was followed by a month of intense anxiety and paranoia, which I have since moved past, but now I just feel empty and numb most of the time when I'm not being hit with a wave of grief.

I find it extremely hard to be excited about anything now, and am constantly fighting back the urge to spend money to make myself feel better. It's exhausting. Most of the time it manifests itself in a panic feeling that I have forgotten about something important or something I wanted to do, and no matter how hard I focus or try to remember, nothing comes to me. This happens almost daily, and usually multiple times a day.

Anytime I think about anything to do with money, or anything that would take a decent amount of effort, I immediately get stressed and overwhelmed. I just don't know what to do, and I haven't felt normal for a while.

[Hayden]

Hi Chillidog. I am sorry to read you are going through this moment. We often hold employment as the most important thing in our lives. My story is different but I’ve lived through a few job changes. I’m terrified of losing my employment as I’ve been told that I have an existential loci core - meaning my work defines me, rather than I define me. I have low self esteem at the moment and am working with my therapist on reshaping my narrative and who I am. I have also lost a daughter in 2015 (16 months old), so there is that grief that I’m now coming to terms with too. I hope you find a counselor or professional to reach out and speak with, it’s not weak to speak about hard times.