I recently had a mammogram that found an abnormality and I’ve been called into hospital for further tests to determine what it is. I panicked but the day after I got the email, I spoke with a really kind nurse at the hospital clinic who reassured me that in my state it’s normal to recall women if it’s their first exam (no prior imaging to base off of) and that for most women it’s not cancer. After I spoke with her I felt so much better. But last week I came down with flu and have spent the last 3+ days in bed, and my mind has gone to thinking the worst.
My mum died from secondary breast cancer age 61. I am 51, and since my mum died I’ve been very afraid of getting cancer (my brother died of malignant melanoma when he was 28; he passed 18mo before my mum). I am feeling scared and I keep having the thought that it’s cancer and I’m going to die. Worse, I keep having the thought that I deserve it because I haven’t always been a nice person or made the best decisions, and I’m being punished. I have depression and I have learned skills to manage it but generally speaking, when I am very low, I think I don’t deserve to live. Now that I’m facing this ambiguity — waiting for tests and results — I know absolutely I do not want to die. This is also why I have the thought I am being punished.
I have a wonderful therapist and a supportive husband, but I don’t have any friends and have struggled with intense loneliness. I can talk to my husband, but I don’t have any girlfriends. I feel very alone.
Logically, I know I do not have a diagnosis, that this additional testing is routine practice, that 9+/10 women recalled don't have cancer, that even if I have cancer it’s not a death sentence. Emotionally, I am so afraid. I am doing grounding exercises and journalling. I tell myself my mum’s story is not my story. But with my tests in a couple of days’ time, my anxiety and fear is growing.
I have read other posts here similar to mine so in a way I know I’m not alone. I wish I was a really resilient woman who could face anything with strength and grace, but I’m just feeling scared and alone.
