Anxious days

[Jeanie1]

Hello,  I am new to these forums so I hope you might be able to help me.  I am constantly in Fight or Flight mode.  My son is going through a very nasty custody battle with his partner who is a Narcissist, though I think she is bordering on Psycotic.  There are constant lies told by her, false accusations to Police and instances trying to 'frame' our family to stop us having any access to our grandchildren as well as keeping our son away from his children.  I am always on standby waiting for the next lie told, the next time my son has to make a statement to Police regarding her false accusations , it never ends.  I can find no one to help us.  I feel my anxiety is out of control,  headaches, panic, bitten fingernails and unable to relax due to fear of this person.  I'm hoping someone might be able to help control my anxiety, so I am better to cope with the next allegation.  Thankyou.     

[Fiatlux]

Hi Guest,

I don’t have any experience with a narcissistic daughter in law but I have been in a DV marriage to a narcissist for 37+ years. Only today I had a panic attack about something he said and did. 

When I reminded him that I have been in fight and flight mode for almost 40 years, he looked at me and pretended to not be familiar with the term. Although I reminded him that just before Christmas last year he has on several occasions yelled at me to get out and move out of our house. 

What I can tell you is that the narcissist never stops. They enjoy the game.

I recall when my children were very young, he stated that he wanted a divorce and I was relieved and agreed that it was for the best. He quickly added that he would never pay child support and I agreed to that too. He never left and we still live under the same roof with one of our sons who is 27. The other children have moved out and would rather that we were divorced but the only thing more difficult about being in a marriage to a narcissist, is trying to divorce one.

Does your son have a lawyer and are you documenting the false reports and accusations?

I find that saying very little to my husband is the only way that I can deal with him. He too accuses me of yelling at him when in fact I am reacting to him and having a breakdown. He sees me crying and asking him to stop as an attack on him. The narcissist thrives off of your stress.

Just remember that others will soon see her actions as attention seeking and of course she is painting herself as the victim in every situation. She wants the sympathy of others.

Whatever you do, don’t respond to her directly. Keep calm and get the truth out there.

Good luck. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[ABC01]

Dear Jeanie1,

I unfortunately have been in a similar situation to yours, only I am the sister to a brother who had a very nasty custody battle with his ex-partner. Your situation sounds all too familiar to mine. Unfortunately mediation didn't end well and we had to engage a lawyer. There were alot of "games" played and the only reason we could fathom for why, is she just wanted to punish and hurt him. And she used the kids to do that. There was a long period that we thought we'd all have to engage lawyers too, as immediate family members, to be able to access the children in the future. Eventually, an agreement was made through their lawyers. But sometimes the ex still tries to play games.

I want to encourage you to stay strong. The lies will come to light. Accusations have to be followed up by the police and then recorded. You do have rights. There are resources that are available to contact to represent you and also if you believe the children aren't safe. Desperate people do desperate things. However they don't usually think things through thoroughly and that comes back to bite them.

Your children are the most important people in this custody battle. And you need to stay strong and stable for them. Unfortunately, being the bigger person may feel like you can't do anything about this situation. But by not engaging where you shouldn't, you are making sure there is no "ammunition" to be used on you. You need to do things by the law and that does take time.

But take this time to look after yourself. Don't allow your son's partner to hurt you anymore then they have. You have that power.

I understand how it is to live with anxiety and the looming fear of the next thing coming, when it has been proven that it is most likely going to come. Fight or flight mode can be counter attacked with mindfulness breathing when you feel it coming upon you. Stretching or massage can help soothe tightened muscles. Your headaches are most likely from tension. So if you are clenched, try to remind yourself to unclench. I read a technique the other day where you inhale(like a gasp) sharply in quick concession twice and then release the breath. The second inhale breaks the first and when you exhale it is a longer exhale of breath. I have found the exhale is felt profoundly. Like my whole chest releases the breath.

A self-care routine in the shower/bathroom can be beneficial and allows you 10-15 minutes of solid time to not think about your situation. Incorporating a dry brush before bathing, focuses on the sensation of the brush on your skin. Having a shower steamer or bath bomb, in relaxing scents of Lavender or a scent that is soothing to you invokes your smell sense. Or a body wash or soap also connects the smell sense. You can focus on the sound of the running water. Or the feel of the water on your skin. Your senses are a great tool to bring you into a moment and dampen your thought volume. If you can start with only 5 minutes a day and move it up to 10 or 15 as time goes on, you are giving your mind and body a chance to relax. Repetition will make your mind know that specific times of the day are for rest. You could also do this with activities like gardening, craft,cooking and even washing the dishes. Engage your 5 senses sight,smell, touch,hearing and taste.

Sleep is so important. You can try things like a sound machine to set and go to sleep by. A pillow mist spray on your pillow can be relaxing. A sleep oil roll-on can help you relax. Going to bed at the same time is always helpful in setting up your sleep routine.

Eating regular meals at the same time, getting exercise to help release pent up energy and making healthy choices to get out of your house and keep your appointments and social outings will help to keep your daily life regulated. You need stability in your time of conflict and uncertainty.

You can't spend every minute of your day consumed by this. It is absolute okay to be concerned about what is happening. But you need to look after yourself with a possibility this maybe prolonged.

You are doing a good job in your circumstances. Your love is shiny through strongly. Please take care of yourself and your son. But remember you can't control this situation through anxiety alone. Which is generally what we try to do when a situation is out of our actual control. Reply back if you want to talk.

ABC01

[Jeanie1]

Thankyou so much for this information.  You have been very helpful, You know exactly what I am going through.  I will try all you have suggested for my anxiety.  

[Jeanie1]

Thankyou so much for your help.  It’s hard to stay on top of things. 

[Jeanie1]

One further question for you, did it ever end ?

[ABC01]

Hi Jeanie1,

You are welcome for the anxiety tips. If you find other helpful strategies, just remember repetition is the key. And it is okay if one day they work, and the next day they don’t. Keep at it.
If your question is for me, the answer is no. Only because until the children reach a certain age, they can’t pick which parent they want to live with. Until then, both parents have to abide by the custody/mediation agreement and go through the process again, if they want to change anything. In a way things have settled down and we now have access to the kids through my brother,when he has them. However sometimes the ex will try to pull something and expect my brother to accommodate it for her,but won’t do the same for him. We were parted from them for nearly 18 months due to the processes and “games”.However please keep in mind that this was my experience. Yours maybe very different. Ultimately the ones who get hurt the most, are the kids. As long as we keep that in mind and try to keep things stable and consistent for them,they know our side of the family are not going anywhere. We also don’t talk about the other side of the family with them. It is too hard not to let something slip out and that gets back to the ex. The kids also don’t under your feelings towards their parent. A mum or dad is pretty special to a kid. And they also haven’t developed mentally or emotionally to an adult level yet. So they can’t understand what is happening or why.

 I wish you the best. Keep being the great mother and grandparent you are and have been.

ABC01

[Jeanie1]

I can’t thank you enough for your comments.   Everything you have said is our current life.  

[ABC01]

Dear Jeanie1,

You are very welcome.

Please remember to look after yourself and your son. This can be considered a type of loss,as a significant life moment or change. Therefore there will be some extremely strong emotions involved and ongoing. There are organisations and hotlines to call if you need to, to discuss and help you through these times. Don’t ever be afraid to use them. That is what they are there for.  You could check out Griefline and Mensline. They might have some helpful pages or hotlines for you and your son. And remember BeyondBlue has a helpline too. I have used it myself and were great to just get everything off my chest and hear another person’s point of view and understanding.

Take care,

ABC01