Anxious and need someone to talk to

[ArkCane]

I've suffered from social anxiety most of my life. I've implemented ways to reduce this anxiety such as - the rare times I go out, I have a 'safe' person that I can talk to and I order most of my things I need online.
I work full time and study online at uni and socialise well at work but I have trouble making friends in my home life. I've kind of accepted that this is who I am.

The issue is: My anxiety has peaked the last few months and it's impacting my relationship with my husband. We're great together. We've been together 9 years, married for nearly 2 with a son.
I've started to get a little paranoid. He hasn't done anything wrong at all but I keep thinking he's keeping things from me. The logical side of me knows he would never ever do this - he constantly reassures me he loves me and shows in actions too. He's a great husband. Tonight, I pretty much accused him of cheating. I know he wouldn't. There's zero evidence of him doing that too. He's attentive and loving towards me. My anxiety has peeked lately, and I have just over thought myself into thinking he's chatting up other girls. 
We had a big conversation, and he thinks it's a trust issue - maybe it is - but I really think it's a mental health issue. 
I've never had any thoughts of him ever cheating and I've always trusted him in the 9 years we've been together. Before I talked to him about this, I had thoughts of going through his phone. That was the last straw to me actually bringing the subject up. I wanted to talk to him before it got to the point of me actively invading his privacy. 
I love my family so much and we are such a great little team. My anxiety and paranoia are impacting my home life, and I really hate it.
Does anyone have any advice or anything that has worked for them to help?

[D-Moo77]

Hi ArkCane, 

thank you for your honesty to speak up firstly about how you feel - you can’t change that,

overthinking can cause anxiety- we can’t control people -

We get inside our head that our partner might be doing something but all we can do is trust them 

focus on the positives- the gains you have made in your life 

1. having a family

2. having a partner 

3. having a home 

imagine if that was gone, imagine not having it for a moment 

it’s tough but the joy on focusing on what positives are in your life can hopefully give hope to the future, think of small achievable goals that you can set - focus on your self so that you can serve others 

I wish you all the best on your life’s journey 

[sbella02]

ArkCane,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and we warmly welcome you to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, having your mind constantly questioning your reality must be exhausting. As somebody who has also had many experiences of anxiety throughout my life, I can relate to this aspect.

Have you ever had a chat to a GP, therapist, or psychologist about your anxiety? Or, would you feel comfortable having a chat with a mental health professional currently? There are various techniques that they may be able to help you with in order to manage some of those more intense feelings of anxiety. 

I also think it's great that you recognised the need to talk to your husband rather than checking his phone straight away. That in itself is indicative of your inner strength in that moment, standing up to those feelings of anxiety that may tell you to do things you're not comfortable with. I think that is something to be proud of, and it shows promise that these feelings are manageable with the right strategies. 

How do you feel about journalling? I always find that this can be therapeutic if my anxiety is weighing heavily on me. Just to see all of your thoughts written down on paper can be helpful, but this would also allow you to dissect these feelings further. For instance, you could start by writing down the most pressing or worrying thought, and coming up with evidence that this thought is true, and evidence that it is not true. This can help to challenge some of those anxious feelings. 

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us some more if you'd like, we're here to help.

Take care, SB

[tactlesskwi]

Hi there!

I don't think I've ever had issues with paranoia, but I do get very very anxious about life in general. From the (limited) content I've read online, when it starts impacting relationships it's important to seek medical treatment, whether this be in the form of a psychiatrist or even just talking to a GP. The initial conversation is often the hardest, but we believe in you! Maybe you could take someone in as support?
In the mean time, I think being open about it with your husband is a great idea - maybe they then cane offer you some support just through knowing and understanding it 🙂

I wish you all the best, and feel free to reach out whenever you need to 🙂

[Laila]

Hi ArkCane,

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I have recently had similar experience with you. My relationship anxiety has also peaked in the last couple months to the extent where I accused my partner of chatting up with girls in his new job. I have always had relationship anxiety, and it was pretty severe in the first 1.5 years we were together, so my partner definitely put up lots of shit from me at that time.

I'm still trying my best to manage it, but these below things are what helpful for me at this stage:

1. Understand why you anxiety has peaked in the last couple months? Is it because his action or yours? This is very important as it will help you to solve the root issue. For me, because I confessed to my partner about a mistake I made in the beginning of our relationship. Even after he forgave me, I still feel "less-than", hence my anxiety peaked. So I'm working with my therapist to improve self-compassion and understand myself better.

2. Catch the moment when you have anxious thought, and sit down, examine the evidence, and challenge that thought. For example, sometimes when my partner looking at work messages and smile, my immediate thought is: He's talking to a girl and they are probably flirting. I catch this thought, and tell myself: "ehh, you work in male-dominated industry, you also have friendly banter with male colleagues and smile at your phone. It's normal. Does not mean someone's cheating." Boom, instantly feel better. Just because you have this thought, does not mean it's true reality. 

3. Journal really really helps. It could help you organise your thought and clear your head. Sometimes thought just come and go, but they are so frequent, so loud, so high volume that you think what they are telling you are truths. Journalling help concretise your thoughts, write it down, and you can look it back later.

4. Self-acceptance and self-compassion is very important in this stage. It's probably the most difficult topic for me as I tend to be quite harsh on myself. When you are in a spiral, you will naturally think you are a burden in this relationship, or you are causing all these issues etc. But just remember that, we are all human and life could be tough sometimes. The fact you are seeking advice and help shows self-awareness and strength to work through issues. So please show patience and kindness toward yourself in this journey. 

5. Be kind to your partner. When one person in the relationship is depress or anxious, it's actually very tough for the partner too. You are allowed to feel anxious or insecure and seek reassurance from your partner, but do it in a gentle way. Rather than accusing them with no evidence, tell them how you feel lately gently and ask for some reassurance. 

6. Therapy does help. Found one that's right fit for you and stick through it. It will also help to understand yourself better.

I understand how hard it is because I'm also in it. You are not alone, and we got this!
Sending lots lots lots of love x