Hi everyone. Long post ahead..
I am finding it extremely hard to cope right now. I have suffered anxiety most of my life so far (27 years old) and I fear it will never go away. It mainly manifests around work and social events. I have always been a bit of a loner and it didn't used to bother me until I started suffering existential crises about the purpose of life.
Right now I am struggling cause I am in a program that I thought would make me happier and but instead is causing me so much stress. I was a postie for a few years, and although I enjoyed it for awhile, a combination of feeling underutilised (I am Uni educated) and a toxic work environment resulted in me looking for something else. I have always thought about teaching as I like learning (especially history and politics) and believed it would be more rewarding. I found a masters program that fast tracks you into the profession; six week intensive course followed by two years of studying while teaching 0.80 hours as opposed to just two years of unpaid study. This program seeks to address educational inequity and places new teachers at traditionally 'hard' schools. I applied over the course of last year and managed to get in, which of course made me quite happy. However, I completed the intensive course and my experience was mixed. The first couple of weeks of learning (all online) was enjoyable, however after doing 10 days placement at school I have found myself utterly dreading being a teacher. I was stressed out of my mind the entire time and suffered a panic attack at 3 in the morning just before my fourth day of placement. I managed to get through it, but now I am really struggling. It's school holidays, which I enjoyed at first as I spent time with my wife and family and was able to distract myself, however now I am at home alone as everyone has gone back to work and I am spending every day feeling horrible about what is to come. Part of me just wants to get it over and done with, so I am not enjoying my days off. Looking at strategies and attempting to plan doesn't seem to help as it just stresses me out. I find myself freaking out about the weirdest things such as: I worry about being depressed and stressed on my weekends and future school holidays; I worry about yard duty and feeling awkward not knowing what to say. At the moment I hate waking up and am crushed with horrible depression and generally just feel like a complete failure of a human being.
