Anxiety, panic, and just coping.

[QldMouse]

Hi,

I know I'm not alone by any means (Thank you Beyond Blue) but somehow that knowledge does not help.

Trust me I've read a lot, been to a lot of therapy, made a lot of progress. But.

That awful feeling of panic, then stupidity sets in, irrational behaviour kicks into high gear, breath gets difficult, speech becomes impossible, and then the chest pain and headaches set in. In spite of wishing for the ground to open up and swallow me, it does not. I have to deal with my issues.

In spite of a desperate need to connect with people I drive them away, and run away myself. I am so tired of being an anxiety riddled social lepper. And I have so tried. Now out of visits on my mental health plan, and can't afford the therapy I need, what do people do?

Thank you all.

PS. to White Rose you lovely contributor, it is so nice to see your avatar but so sad to hear your news. I am thinking of you and so hope you recover and feel better very soon.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

To me, no reply is a weak reply, you were reflecting how you are feeling: tired and exhausted.

You have acknowledged how you are feeling, you understand where you are at present, so that realisation is a bonus! You also know what has not helped so well in the past and have a few ideas of what might help.

Trying to put all that positive and helpful stuff into practise can be difficult, like White Rose has said, we need to practise it. Yer, I try doing that too and sometimes don't progress so far. I tell myself I can try again later.

Hope you can find some assistance. One day at a time right!

Cheers from Dools

[QldMouse]

Thanks Doolhof,

Yes, one day at a time. Even though sleep eluded me I'm back on deck. I got up and collected all my notes and helpful stuff from the last 4-5 years of therapy and started reading through it. Gee there is a lot there.

I have sorted out some unhelpful journals, and just fed them all into an industrial shredder!! That did actually feel like a positive step. I need to start taking better care of myself again, and try and get my fitness back up.

Baby steps, but steps.

Cheers!

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

It can be tough to find ways to move forward. I dislike being stuck in a rut. Feeling a bit that way at present.

Hope you are able to find some helpful points, strategies and ideas to assist you each day so life is more enjoyable and purposeful.

Sounds like it was good therapy shredding those journals. Maybe you can form a mental image in your mind of that moment, and when a negative thought pops in your mind, consider it for a while then stick that thought into a virtual shredder.

There are times when we need to work through our issues and deal with them, there are times when we can dismiss thoughts as being annoying and unhelpful. Guess we need to work out which are which and how to best deal with them.

All the best from Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Sorry to learn that wretched black dog has you by the throat. Your last post does sound a bit more positive and like Dools I think it was good therapy to shred your notes. If only we could do that with all our problems. However you have taken another step forward and that is always good.

Did you find any helpful parts in your journal? These are the things to concentrate on and practice. It is such a slow process to get well again that I can see why people give up. Glad to know you are hanging in there.

Thank you for your good wishes for my health. I am feeling much better and not in much pain, touch wood. I count myself fortunate to have two GPs who are so caring about me. One GP looks after my mental health stuff and the other takes care of the physical complaints. I also have a great physiotherapist who I saw yesterday. He made the classic statement 'at your age'. He saw the X-ray of my back and said it was OK considering my age. Hmmm. I would prefer my back to be good no matter how ancient I am. Sigh.

How would you feel seeing your GP about your mental health? I know some are not keen as they consider they do not have the requisite knowledge. Fair enough I guess but perhaps you can ask if there is a GP reasonably near you or in the same practice, who will see you on this topic. Most medical practices have a web page these days and doctors specialities are listed there. If you look up local practices you can see if there is anyone around who has an interest in mental health.It would certainly be a relatively inexpensive option. Either that or contact the practice and ask.

This sounds like a lot of work I realise. Sorry about that. Perhaps start with talking to your current GP.

You will regain your fitness by walking I feel. No need to go to the gym. How do you get to work? If by bus perhaps you can walk to the next bus stop to get the bus. Small things like this mount up quite quickly and are easy to do (well at least appear that way). If you can think of easy ways, such as the extra walk, to increase your walking you will get better more quickly. You need to get your heart rate up for a few minutes to be effective.

I hope you have a good day.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello you lovely ladies, you are both so lovely.

No wonder you are both community champions.

Doolhof, I do feel the rut that feels more like a gorge with such steep sides, slippery rocks with sharp edges, and such a climb. At the top of each rise there is a false summit and another climb.

White Rose, I'm so pleased to hear that you are better. It sounds so nice that you are in good hands, I hope you continue to improve.

It was rather depressing reading my journals, but they were stuffed with wise and happy sayings, pictures, and memes. I've kept most of those. I wish I had my own place so I could put them up on the walls and look at them every day. But I've scanned a lot of them and I'll flip through them from time to time. They feel empty though, like they apply to the rest of the world and I don't deserve them.

The world seems to have spent the last weeks rubbing my nose in my shortcomings, how much better other peoples lives are, how my mothers words were right and that keeps stinging.

This week I have felt like that little boy again, alone in the cold, hungry with no shoes, looking through the glow of a window to a world of happy families, love and warmth that I am just not worthy of. Very "Oliver" I know, but that is how it really has always felt. And how it feels today.

It is hard to get out the door, the world is quite scary and I freak out walking on my own. I understand how ladies out walking or running on their own feel. The irony is the cold looks I get from women giving me death stares when I do make it out ... how ironic that I'm way more scared of them than they can possibly be of me. Crazy and sad all at the same time isn't it.

Got to keep going, not really sure why today, habit I guess. I'll suck up some more air, call it courage and go for a walk around the block. My old GP and my new GP are both uncomfortable with mental health I think, I don't think I can go through explaining myself again. As I listen to myself it is so depressing.

All the best ladies.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

Thanks for the kind words you have shared towards Mary and myself.

You have mentioned quite a few situations in your post. I for one, find it overwhelming and confusing when my mind starts on one negative and before I know it, every wrong thing that has ever happened comes hurtling towards me! What is that!

One thing at a time please! Having instructions on how to deal with each issue would be nice too!

Okay, so that rut thing, for me it is more like a slippery slope, I get a short distance up, then slide down again. I trudge along, try again only for someone to throw water in my rut and I slip back down again. Your rut sounds a lot more picturesque than mine! Tough, but scenic too!

So how can we climb out of our ruts? Acknowledging them is a start! Working out what keeps us there and how to slowly discover ways out would be beneficial.

For me, I need to let go of situations I can't change and feel like I have no control over, and to build up situations that offer me more control and self esteem.

Any ideas for yourself?

Later on today I am going to sit out in the sun and pull some weeds. I will look at what I have achieved and not at the other 2 1/2 acres that also need attention!

Hopefully you can tell yourself that you are worthy, you matter and you are not what other people have said about you.

I wonder what would happen if you told women who gave you death stares while out walking that you are more scared of them then they ever have to be of you? Might make you both laugh.

Wishing you well as you navigate and conquer life.

Cheers from Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Thank you for your lovely words. Dools and me are honoured by these words. Between you and me Dools is a very special person. Always ready to offer help and with so much care. Great person to know.

I have to agree with Dools about having one negative thought and rest decide to join the party. Please, take a number and wait.

I had a mental picture of you telling a lady walker that you were scared of her. Well it brightened up my day, what about yours? Yes I am feeling much better. Back pain has gone I am happy to say.

I took one of my granddaughters on a whale watching trip today. By the time I got home I was exhausted and I only sat on a boat all day. Well apart from getting lost trying to find the boat jetty and worrying about being late and left behind. Saw lots of whales though. Granddaughter (9) took photos while I made sure she didn't fall over when the boat got rocked. I need tomorrow in peace and quiet to relax and regroup. Getting old is definitely not for the faint hearted.

Mouse, you commented on not being in your own home. Does this mean you and your wife have separated? I do hope not. I am very sad for you if this is the case.

I have a kitchen wall on which I put quotes, songs, sayings etc. When I walk past I often stop and read one or two which reminds me that others have problems as well and they are trying their best to move on. Have you read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl? He is a Jewish psychiatrist who was sent to a concentration camp during WWII and survived. He talks about why we carry on with our lives when there seems nothing left to live for. Your local library should have a copy. I do recommend it.

I really dislike that feeling that everyone else has value except me. It's not nice. The good news is that we are valuable people simply because we are here. The little boy looking through the window may be very Oliver but it is a good description of the way we feel at times. Please remember this is not always the case. John Denver's song is so very true. Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. I think he is one of my favourite singers and composers.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mary, Hi Mouse,

Such beautiful words Mary. I have gained from reading your post.

Whale watching from a boat! Yuck. Seasickness overload! I get sea sick just watching a documentary of a boat on the ocean!

Wishing you both a restful day.

Cheers from Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse & a wave to Dools & Bethy

How are you today? None of us have been posting much lately. I am very tired and beginning to feel I am unable to help anyone. I know what I want to say but somehow it all comes out wrong. Ah the joys of getting older.

I took my granddaughter whale watching last Saturday. We both enjoyed it and saw lots of whales. They swam alongside the boat for a while, diving and generally showing off. It was great. The weather was good but I got cold returning to the jetty as I had left my coat in the car. So we went for something to eat and drink despite being given a lunch of various salads, prawns, chicken and ham. Pretty good.

Sometimes I feel I will never be well again in the way I was a couple of years ago. Everything is so much effort and I find myself losing interest and watching TV. Normally I am not a big TV fan but sometimes mindless activities are all I can manage. How about you Mouse? Is this the way you feel at times?

Oh dear, I am in a sorry for myself mood. Best go and do something active.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello ladies,

Also in a feel sorry for myself mood, been sick with the flu like half the country and hate it. Thought I would just log in and say Hi and thank you. Hopefully on the mend and the brain will unfuzz soon.

All the best.