I don't know what to do

[Blue2019]

I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 15 months. My partner moved away for work. When he left I moved out of home and am living on my own. I have been feeling really lonely and sad ever since this happened. I tried to explain to my partner how lonely i felt but he didn't pay much attention to my feelings.. I didn't feel very loved and these feelings kept getting worse. I didn't know when or if he was coming back and I tried to communicate many times about wanting some clarify. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall and nothing I said was getting through to him. I wanted to visit him but it was never the right time for him.

Regretfully, I cheated..
I knew straight away that it was wrong, of course. But it also made me realise how lonely I was and that I just wanted to know where our relationship was at.
After this happened.. I began feeling very anxious and having panic attacks. These feelings are taking over my life.
I told him and was honest about everything that happened.. He said it was ok and that it isn't my fault that it happened... I have spoken to him about all my feelings and asked him to tell me how he feels about everything and where he is at with our relationship. He says everything is ok and he is coming back in a few months.

I can't stop this anxious feeling. I want to trust that everything is ok like he says. But I feel like it is slowly coming to an end. I really want things to work out. I don't know what to do.

[Blue2019]

I just wanted to add that I am seeing a psychologist and taking medication.
I can't stop obsessing over our relationship and whether he loves me or not. Even though he tells me he does. I hate the person I am becoming. I used to feel so relaxed and at ease.
Please help.

[insertaname]

Hi Blue2019

I think the feelings relate to the incident you did. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. I've cheated *not sexually* and it changed the person I am with now. He no longer dotes on me like he used to. It's taken years for him to be affectionate with me.

I'm going to be honest: Don't you think it's odd that he has not reacted in a negative way that you cheated on him? My SO reacted in such a fury. He called me a lot of derogatory things and even treated me like a slut at one stage.

You are at a cross road:

1. risk being with the man you love who you cheated on, he could pay the favour back

2. Break up with him, if you really loved him you would not have done that

3. Go to relationship counselling

4. write a pros and cons list of why you should stay with and another why you shouldn't.

You shouldn't be feeling this lonely. I am assuming you have a network of friends or family that love you and care for you

J

[Alana_H]

Hi Blue2019,

It sounds like you are having a really rough time with your partner being away and I really appreciate you being able to post your story on here.

It must be really hard being in a long term distant relationship, especially if you feel like you don't have many other supports around you, is this the case? It sounds like this led you to make a decision you feel you regret, and now your anxiety has escalated and has become very fixated about the stability of your relationship. This must be very hard for you right now.

What I first want to talk about is your proactive approach in going to the psychologist, this can be a difficult step. I hope that they are giving you some good strategies for your anxieties. Something that might also be useful to you is trying to notice when you are falling into obsessive thoughts about your relationship and trying to replace them with other, more helpful thoughts. For instance if you are thinking "he doesn't love me", try and think "I have no evidence that he doesn't love me and it is unhelpful to assume that he does, so I'm going to choose to not think about that anymore". It doesn't have to sound exactly like this but it's about replacing the negative thought with something that is going to help you move on from this thought. If you find that even though you are replacing your thoughts, you keep coming back to them, you might want to try mindfulness. This will encourage you to let the thought go, instead of holding on to them and ruminating. A good way of doing this is through the Smiling Minds app - https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app. Both these strategies aim to reduce the amount you are thinking negative thoughts (by either replacing them or letting them go). Because these thought can become a bit of a habit, it's about breaking the negative thought cycle and replacing it. By doing this you should find that your overall anxiety its physiological response decrease.

I would also suggest in trying to expand your activities so that you have more to focus on and have more local support. I know that new activities are particularly daunting when you have anxiety, but sometimes they are still worth giving a go. Local exercise like the free Park Run (https://www.parkrun.com.au/), or art classes can be great.

If you feel comfortable let me know how you go!

AlanaH

[Amz87]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Personally I’d end the relationship, I don’t want to add fuel to the fire but I feel like he has probably been unfaithful to you and it’s why he’s not really bothered (I could be 100% wrong) but that’s the feeling I get. Long distance relationships are hard but if there’s no effort put in it’s never going to work.

[99isthebest]

insertaname,

It’s interesting to hear your experience with your partner. I experienced the exact same thing except I was the one being cheated on and it was sexual.

However for some reason being the 3rd month into our relationship I gave her the benefit of the doubt as she really tried hard to make things up to me and it’s not like we had been exclusive that long (at least that’s what I told myself).

The thing that struck me about your post is that I treated her exactly the way your partner treats/treated you. It’s almost like the person just isn’t worth doing things for anymore. It’s like: if I go out of my way to do things for you how do I know you’re not just going to betray me again. I learnt that lesson the hard way and after 6 long years she did again. The old saying really rings true now, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

My advice would be similar expect to be treated differently. Unless of course his unusual reaction of being ok with it is due to him also cheating in which case if he came clean you might almost feel a little better. Not that I condone that as a healthy relationship.

For mine the only way to truly fix it is to be completely open and honest with each other. Lay your cards on the table. Give him everything. Tell him everything that happened why it happened (because you were feeling lonely etc) and see if he wants to open up. If one or both of you are just closed off to the situation it will never fix itself. I’ve had friends that have done couples counciling and said that it has helped also. To be honest that can be a good way of seeing if your partner is really committed to fixing things.

I apologise if this wasn’t helpful but sometimes it’s useful to know how the other side of the fence feels.

[insertaname]

Dear 99isthebest
I’ve been in a relationship through thick and thin or 10 years and still counting. I’ve literally learned my lesson but I think him knowing I had bipolar and this need of mine was impulsive.
I was not cheating with intercourse.
My partner spoils me now and then these days. We’re way past the honeymoon phase. I probably need him more than he knows. But he’s always had it in his head that he doesn’t deserve to be with me. But I don’t see it that way. In 2018, we became broken people, not because of us but the problems that followed.
I understand how you felt. It’s heart-wrenching. But I was angry at myself for letting my bipolar take over. I thought to myself why would anyone want me? I’m one of the crazies.

It requires resilience using your mind and heart to determine she’s worth or not. I don’t believe in the saying once a cheater always a cheater – not full heartedly. It’s actually hard to step back and tell myself my attraction to this man is just a feeling especially when you go through an episode.

You just had a bad experience. You were not the cause of this break – up she was. I would not be too hard on yourself. In those 6 years, you’ve learned what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want.

I agree with 99isthebest’s advice but I still find it very odd he wasn’t upset with you having an affair.

J

[Blue2019]

I have been really open and honest with him and explained to him why I did it and how I was feeling.
He told me it made him sad that it happened and he hasn't been able to be totally physical with me again yet.. He said he knows I didn't do it because i didn't love him, and he agrees that he wasn't giving me the communication I needed.
I just feel like I constantly need confirmation of his feelings towards me. I don't want to be worried anymore and trust in what he says...He says I don't need to worry, that he wants it to work and that he loves me and he is coming back home at the end of the year.

I wish I could relax more and feel ok again.. it's like i haven't forgiven myself for what I did?
It makes sense to end it... but I really love him and would do anything to make it work.

[insertaname]

All i can say is that this will all take time.

Whatever happens during this period of time ie critical to whether you and he continue.

You wont only be the person who needs reassurance. He will be looking for it a lot more than you. Based on experience my SO would think : is she going to cheat on me again or not? Should I pretend nothing happened?

It was a painful period of time and even when i regained his trust he'd throw the affair incident in each argument. Are you prepared to be spoken like that as a possibility?

How would you have felt and reacted if it was the other way round. I'd be devastated, thinking i was not enough for him. I'd be thinking: why? What did I do to make him cheat on me?

I wish you luck on this situation, there are too many variables and there's two people who got hurt in this incident.

[Alana_H]

Hey Blue2019,

It sounds like your situation is really tricky. And I think you're right, sometimes it's really hard to forgive yourself. It sounds like you have done all that you can to fix the situation i.e. telling your partner and understanding you did it because you are in a bad place and going to a doctor for help, and if your partner is being understanding I think that's a real positive for your relationship.

I think it's hard because sometimes when we are feeling anxious our thoughts can fixate on one thing we did or one factor in our life, but that can often be a way of our brain making sense of our anxiety, it likes to pick one thing that "caused" it, even though it's probably caused by a bunch of things. I think that it's great you have recognised that you're worrying way too much about the relationship, this can be the best way to try at catch out when you are thinking about it and realise that it's not helping you.

I hope things are getting better, but it's ok if they aren't, like insertaname said, sometimes these things take time.

Alana_H