Anxiety over casual work/living situation

[Laura__]

Basically my situation is that I am a casual teacher, I graduated end of last year. I got married this year, but the timing wasn't great as my partner dropped from full-time work to part time in order to complete a degree. This meant that rather than our original plan to move out, we had to stay living at my parents (and will likely have to for the next couple of years). The issue isn't living here because we have a big house with our own space (and privacy) the issue is that I so desperately want our own home and to start a family. And for the past couple of years it's all I can focus on, it's exhausting. My partner has gone for many jobs/scholarships this year as he hates where he currently works and gets paid next to nothing. Everytime he comes so close but just misses out. He had an amazing job opportunity come up this week, and it seemed as though he had it in the bag. But circumstances changed and it doesn't look like it's going to happen. The problem is I got my hopes up too high, I started looking at houses for sale and furniture and got way ahead of myself. I haven't been taking casual teaching days because I'm so tired (I've been having restless leg syndrome at night) and my mind is so preoccupied, and all I've been doing is sitting at home and dwelling on the life I want but can't have. I feel as though I can't face work in this anxious state, and I just want to be by myself. I feel trapped in our situation, it's an incredible amount of pressure on me to support us on my casual wage. I have a problem with sitting on social media and comparing myself to everyone else, and envying them because they are achieving things I'm not and living 'normal' adult lives. I'm not a patient person and people always say "you have it so good at your parents" "your still young" etc. But I catastrophize and feel like we will never get out of this situation we are in. My Mum also adds to my anxiety as she is a very anxious person herself and makes comments like "did you get any phone calls for work today?" or "I hope you don't plan on living here until your 40" in a very negative tone, I feel guilty, pressured and embarrassed by this. I'm always going round and round in my head thinking of strategies to get out of our situation "can I get a full-time job in a different industry?" "should my husband defer uni?" etc. but it always comes back to the fact that we can't change anything until he graduates. I don't want to live with this anxiousness and misery anymore.

[james1]

Hi Laura,

First of all, congratulations on the marriage 🙂

It sounds like you're under a lot of stress at the moment which can make anxiety really flare up, and just disrupt your life in so many ways.

Have you shared these worries with your partner? Don't forget you're both in this together so you're not adding to his worries.

I'd highly recommend having a chat to one of the support lines. BeyondBlue's line is 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk through some of these feelings especially when you catastrophise. It may also be worthwhile having a chat to your GP if you trust them, because they can give you advice on where to go and whether to speak to a counsellor or someone similar.

There's a lot of change in your life at the moment and that's really hard, but I'm glad you've been able to come here and talk to us about it. I hope you feel comfortable replying!

Have you tried talking to your mum about how these things, including what she says, makes you more nervous?

James

[Laura__]

Hi James, thank you!

My partner shares the same worries and we are on the same page in terms of goals and aspirations. I'm very open with him about my anxiety and the fact that I'm not happy with our situation. However he is a person that deals with stress well, he can hold it together and get on with things. He has the mind frame that we can't change our situation currently so we just have to live with it. He doesn't put much time or energy into wishing things were different, more just working hard to improve our situation. So from his perspective he can't understand anxiety, he doesn't recognise it as being a condition that can make it hard to live normally. He more sees my emotional breakdowns as being dramatic/overreacting or silly. I try to explain how much anxiety effects my thinking patterns and perspective on things, and he has made an effort to understand and sympathise with me, but he just doesn't get it. I think also because most of the time I seem happy on the exterior so it's confusing to him when I say I'm not happy inside. My moods tend to go from happy to upset quiet easily, triggered by small things.

In regards to my Mum, I have spoken to her many times about how her questions/comments aren't helpful. But she is a master at deflecting the blame back onto me and taking zero responsibility for her actions. For example if I tell her she's being controlling she'll say in a very condescending tone "Laura I'm not trying to control anyone, I'm just showing concern, I'm allowed to ask questions" or "I think your being overly sensative" which makes it really difficult to respond to that. She is convinced she is the perfectly supportive mother who is a saint for letting us live here. However there is a lot comments on a daily basis taking digs at us, or disapproving comments with decisions we make. One day she'll tell me she's happy that my husband and I are living with them and it's a great opportunity to save and we are so responsible with money etc. But the next day it'll be lecturing me about spending money on clothes and comments like "well if you have money to go shopping you have money to move out" masking it as a joke but really just taking a dig at us. My husband has said he thinks she's being manipulative saying she is happy for us to live here but at the same time making us feel uncomfortable. But he would never say anything to her. He just takes those kind of comments on the chin. I try to ignore it but it really effects me.

[james1]

Hey Laura,

Yeah, anxiety is so hard to explain to those who don't suffer from it, especially if they are really the complete opposite! It is good that he is trying to understand though. It sounds like you're looking for coping mechanisms that will help in this interim period while he sorts out his career and you both figure out the living situation.

Have you ever spoken to a counsellor or someone similar? Anxiety is a real issue and can really wreck us if we let it go unchecked. Just like any physical illness, mental illnesses also should be managed with visits to the appropriate doctor. And, perhaps in the future, you could bring along your husband as well so he can better understand what is happening with you when anxiety strikes.

Oh your mum sounds so much like mine 😞 I remember telling her to stop taking digs at my ex behind her back, because it was between me and my ex. So mum took it to the extreme and said "Well, if I can't have an opinion, I guess there's no need for me to talk to you." Talk about deflecting 😕 I don't know what to do about mum, sorry. My psychologist basically told me to move out as soon as possible, so that might be the only option! Confrontation rarely seems to work, but you can try to set your boundaries. Take some on the chin, and really stand on the other points that push too far. But don't get sucked into argument - just tell her that was hurtful, and take a walk.

Do you use social media a lot? I know I stopped using it for a similar reason, but I don't really mind being a bit disconnected. I just try to keep in touch through the messenger app and that is really enough for me. Could you reduce your usage and try to find alternatives?

James

[Laura__]

I have gone to counselling before and I think it's getting to the point where I need to go again. I would love my partner to come so he can understand anxiety better. I've asked him to read a book about it but he said he was too busy and doesn't get a minute of time to himself. Which I understand it's not him being unsupportive, it's literally him being too busy. At the moment anxiety is stopping me from going to work which is a sign that it is taking over so it needs to be addressed.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with my Mum and I've come to the same conclusion that the only way I can solve the problem is by moving out and getting some distance. It's a problem living with her because she knows everything that is going on in my life and can hear all our conversations/arguments. But as I said before we aren't in a position to move out, and all my stresses come back to that.

I use social media an unhealthy amount. I am glued to my phone. I'm especially addicted to instagram which is really damaging because I look at accounts of people who have amazing lives (at least thats how its portrayed online) and I make comparisons to my own less-than-perfect life and it makes me depressed. It makes me want material things so badly that I can never have, and I'm setting unrealistic expectations for my life. I got rid of social media a couple of years ago for about 4 months and it was the most miserable/boring 4 months. I felt like a was missing out on something by not being connected with people online. I know I would be a lot happier if I just focused more on my life than everyone else's but it's easier said than done.

[CheeseSlices]

Therapy can definitely help with the issues expressed here. They are all issues very easily worked on with the right guidance.

Some notes to be aware of ~10 years ago Instagram would have fit the diagnostic criteria for Narcissism.

Be realistic. If you are having trouble saving in your parents home (do you pay rent?) How do you imagine you will survive with a mortgage and baby? Its perhaps not an option to even entertain until your husband has finished his studies and in good work.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Laura,

I wonder if you might be getting hooked into the "shoulds" that so many of us get hung up on .

I should be this , I should have achieved that , I should look like this .. etc . I know it's hard to detach from the flood of media and community expectations but I think it would do you, your husband and your marriage a world of good if you could be more accepting, happy and calm in your present. Be able to see the good stuff and be thankful for it and be kind and compassionate to yourself for the stuff you haven't yet done and for stuff you can't control, well just learn to let it go .. see it pass you by .

A wise man once told me "Kim , you're not a fish , you don't need to hook in to every thing"
I think that's good advice. We do tend to hook into things that we could with practice swim by .. jealousies , envies, perfectionist goals , unrealistic bars.

We could all learn to enjoy the journey a bit more instead of getting tied up in knots about the end point.

I'm on a bit of a "Zen" rant today .. but I think those Buddists could teach us a thing or two!

Start with Headspace on your phone ( it's an App) . Explore these themes if you like through School of Life website or via the book " The Art of Happiness " .

If I am totally missing the point .. please seek help with s counsellor who can help to tease out the meaning of your anxiety more fully for you.

Good luck and thanks for sharing your journey.

[Laura__]

Hi Kim,

Your advice is very helpful, I'm consciously aware that I'm living too much in the future and not appreciating the life I have now. Someone gave me a piece of advice recently, "you need to live a little bit for the now and a little bit for the future" and I try to at least be content with the 'now' but as I mentioned earlier my husband was very close to scoring a great job opportunity that would have changed our life completely, it would have meant we could move out and live comfortably. I was almost certain he had the job and got carried away with the idea that we could buy a house in the near future (we have a deposit saved already). I was in an okay place prior to this, I had accepted our circumstances and was in a fairly stable mind frame. But then this has kind of unravelled all the work I had put in to controlling my anxiety if that makes sense?

Your Zen rant has been helpful, I'm not religious but I think if I was to pick a religion it would be Buddhism they have some beautiful teachings and a great outlook on life!

[Laura__]

It's disgusting the way people feel the need to flaunt material possessions and a a lifestyle that is that of a celebrity (when reality is probably so much different) I admit I've been sucked into the world of instagram. I read an article that explained how clever instagram is at using strategies to essentially get people 'hooked' to the app to the point where it's an addiction, I'd say I definitely fall into that category.

I'm fully aware of the financials of owning your own home and having a family, I would never be so irresponsible as to bring a child into the world when I couldn't support them and was living at my parents. Nor would I want to ruin my husbands chance at a career by giving him no other option but to leave uni to support a family. But I still want it so badly and it's frustrating that I probably won't be in that position for a very long time. I just feel like the life I should have is on hold, this feels like a difficult in-between period.

[Beyondbe]

you sound very much like me laura!

i am also a young, pretty recently married (3 years) graduate teacher who also tends to think/worry in a future orientated and is a little obsessed with having a family/buying a house!

I feel your pain in feeling like life is getting away seeing others. Not heaps of advice as i'm in the same boat - i think trying to take things one day at a time is good advise but sometimes hard in practice !

I think of this faze as the building stage where you build the foundation financially to set you up for kids house ect. I'm finding hobbies to do to get busy in the meantime and grow skills (im knitting/crafts/gym/reading).

I know you said your not religious, thats fair enough its a deeply personal choice obviously. I hope you dont mind me adding this in- i wasnt raised in any religion but now as an adult i go to a christian church. I find going to church really calming and love the community i've found there. Just feeling like Gods there for us really helps me mentally. Joyce Meyer is a great christian author and i read tonnes of her books too. Just somthing thats helped for me.

Could i ask you a question about teaching- (i have graduated a couple of years ago now, but as i didn't apply for registration straight away my registration is still valid) I havn't used my degree, i loved my rounds but ive been to worried to do fill in teaching yet as i have panic attacksa. i have sort of put my teaching degree on the back burner because of this and have been just doing retail.

How have you found the fill in teaching?

It would be a bit different for me as i get lots of transport anxiety/ hate feeling claustrophobic/like i cant leave a situation and i feel like the school might call me up to go on excursions ect. but it would be really good to hear someone elses experence about fill in teaching with anxiety