Anxiety - How to resign from a new job when your boss is a friend of your fiance ?

[Bjc1]

Hi,

I am suffering from anxiety and the inability to rationalise what should be a simple situation due to anxiety. I was offered a job about 4 months ago and it is an acquaintance of my fiance (he is the director), there are 3 other directors also that own and run the company. I have tried to fit into the new job as best as i can but i find the environment not suited to my personality, the people do not speak to each other. I need an environment where i can communicate with people etc. In fact a week ago I was telling one of the other girls about a party i was attending on the weekend and another colleague came over to my desk and crankily told me not to speak as she was concentrating, i felt so embarrassed but i noticed the other staff just put their head down and ignored that it happened. The biggest problem is they let another staff member go a few weeks back and if i leave that means that they will be very understaffed. I feel as though they thought i was working out so let the other girl go so this is putting a lot of anxiety in my head about the potential let down. I have suffered bullying in previous positions and i feel fragile and unable to handle myself to the best of my ability particularly in this situation as i like my fiance's friend and don't want to let him down.

My fiance says don't worry just do it, it will be fine, but my mind is telling me otherwise.

If anyone can help me rationalise this situation so i can at least resign as i feel so mismatched in this job. In my mind it is easy but it has been two weeks and i cannot say it due to fear, i keep convincing myself it will get better but it is not. How do i let go of this, be strong and resolve this situation so i can move onto a better job? I have tried to get into see a psychologist but the wait times are 6 to 8 weeks.

[Croix]

Dear Bjc1~

Welcome to the Forum. You have a difficult decision to make and maybe other people's perspectives might help.

There are a couple of things I'd like to say. The first is that no job is worth your mental welfare. It has to fit long-term and at the moment it doe not sound that way at all. An oppressive atmosphere is far from ideal and if you have had unfortunate experiences in previous workplaces that just makes things even more difficult.

You really do need to be comfortable and in a secure place - as does anyone.

The second thing is that your fiance sounds to be encouraging and on your side, not raising objections but instead reassuring you things will be fine. It is terrific to have support for your decisions.

At the moment it looks like you are hesitating partly our of friendship with your fiance's freind, and partly out of company loyalty, not wanting to leave them short staffed.

If you would not mind could I suggest you talk the whole matter over with your fiance's friend , one of the bosses? Explaining that you are not able to do your work properly and are feeling most uncomfortable due at least in part to the current atmosphere in the office, plus partly becuse of being bullied in the past. Also that you do not want to leave them in the lurch, however your health has to come first.

This conversation may go nowhere, or perhaps a reassurance that they will find a replacement quickly, or even that a serious attempt will be made to change the atmosphere and give that a trial.

Without talking about it you are making some assumptions - maybe they are correct, maybe not.

Do you think you might be able to do this? I know it sounds difficult however you do like the person concerned. If you do have to resign afterwards at least you will know you have been more than fair.

Croix

[Nervybella]

Hi BJc1

It sounds like you’re in a bit of a tricky situation right now. Firstly, I echo what Croix said above that no job is worth sacrificing your mental welfare for. Just try to keep that in mind - you need to look after your self.

I imagine it may feel a little awkward speaking to your boss as you know them on a personal level outside of work too, is that correct? Does your work have a HR department that you may be able to speak to instead?

I have left jobs in the past after only a week or so because they were just not the right fit for me. Of course the conversation in which you voice your concerns or quit are very uncomfortable, however once it’s done it’s done. You can move on. A 10 minutes awkward conversation for long term benefit? Doesn’t seem so bad if you think of it that way.

I also found that employers move on pretty fast. At the time they may seem upset or annoyed... but in all honesty they can usually find someone else to fill your role and they will move on too. It’s more important you do what’s right for yourself.

Hope this helps in some small way. I’d love to hear back from you if you feel comfortable posting again 🙂

[Bjc1]

Thankyou Nervybella and Croix,

Everything you said i already know, just hearing it from you both helps me rationalise it to know that it is okay. I can honestly say if it was not my fiance's friend i would not hesitate to resign and move on.

There is no privacy between the bosses and the staff so i have been thinking how do i go in and resign so other people cannot hear. I will prob have to send an email asking if i can meet privately, which makes me uncomfortable as then i am waiting for a reply for when it suits (and he won't know why).

Yes, we occasionally see each other out of work at social gatherings, but i am not concerned about this, it is just resigning from the job because of the circumstances. Like i said he is the only person i like there.

I have told my self 50 times this weekend, once it is done, it is done and i never have to think about it again. I am not fearful of socialising with him after this, it is just doing it and finding a way to do it that is the problem.

My contract states i need to give two weeks notice which if they still want me to honour this, i will just go in and put my head down for the two weeks. I am genuinely grateful that i got offered the job it is just unfortunate that the environment and role is not suitable. I don't want to dish on the other staff, that is obviously their culture and that is okay for them, just not for me. I have learnt though if i go for other jobs i will ask what the day to day environment is like, however in over 25 years of work i have never encountered an environment where they do not greet each other, talk during the day to each other and even at lunch the conversation is mute.

Thank you so much again, i will try and be brave and follow through this week sometime.

[Nervybella]

Hi again Bjc and nice to hear back from you.

Sometimes all we need is to hear someone else reiterate what we were already feeling. I know that helps me a lot and feels reassuring that you’re not the only one thinking a certain way.

I think it’s great that you feel you can seperate work and personal life and not worry about seeing your boss again in the future.

Good luck for this week, I’d love to know how you get on if you feel like sharing.

Bella.