Hello,
I was diagnosed primarily with social anxiety and secondarily, with depression, in my early twenties; and they've had an negative impact in every part of my life - friends, family, work, relationships, etc. I take medication for these conditions daily; and visit a psychiatrist every 3-4 weeks, and will starting seeing a psychologist as well.
I work infrequently - less than 5 hours a week and not even that at times - do not socialise with anyone, apart from my parents and one person who I met through a mental health organisation. I have a lot of spare time, most days, unless I have a work shift or an appointment I need to go to; and tend to sleep late and wake up early afternoon, go on computer, eat junk food, and not a lot else. A lot of years have passed since mental illness entered the picture and I don't see that things, or more specifically, that I will change. I've become used to a sedentary and isolated routine and can't see that a girl would want to be with me, especially someone who is unemployed, no friends, and doesn't do anything.
The idea of someone liking me is a bit overwhelming. Actually, I tend to avoid social or intimate situations and deny the possibility that someone could be interested in me, as a friend or partner. Anxiety amplifies the possibility of making friends and getting a girlfriend, in fact, I think I'd rather have a tooth pulled without anaesthetic than ask someone out.
I sometimes literally flee to avoid such a situation. In social situations - this includes work as quite social - I get anxious before the event (in the past I just wouldn't turn up to work and find myself being terminated) and also, after the fact, I berate myself internally about what I've said and how I think I was perceived. I have joined clubs/volunteer positions in the past, but often drop out, shortly after starting, finding excuses. It is not easy trying to find people who you can relate to in a capital city - Melbourne - when you don't socialise and have groups of friends, e.g. work, university, etc.
I have started babbling, so I will stop now and thank you for reading this post.
thanks, n.
btw, my moniker sounds female, but i'm a guy.
