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Anxiety Derailment
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This sounds a lot, but I recently got taken off holiday that I was on (a tour) due to my panic attacks that I was suffering on it and I feel so angry at myself for allowing it to happen. It was so bad that my support worker had to fly up from Melbourne to Sydney to pick me up so I could get home safe (I'm on the NDIS because I'm diagnosed with ASD). I feel so ashamed and humiliated that I'm unable to control my anxiety despite attempting coping strategies and all I can do is just mope around and cry because now everyone else gets to go to Byron and Cairns but I'm just sitting at home doing... nothing.
How can everyone just go on holiday and do it well while I can't even manage a short domestic flight? People keep saying that I need to control it but it feels like a constant struggle to even recognise that I'm suffering from it let alone deal with it. I feel so useless and pathetic and all I want to do now is sleep for two weeks straight.
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Hello SH,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time at the moment, and that your inner voice is just making things even harder for you. I appreciate that you are probably feeling a whole mix of things including disappointment, shame, self-criticism and mental exhaustion. I can identify with these feelings when I am thwarted in my plans by overwhelming anxiety or panic. It just doesn't seem fair or fixable sometimes.
I have had to take similar 'escape' measures as you have recently, and the combination of dealing with my own inner distress and feeling guilty about the impact on others that results from changing plans is truly horrible. A lot of my anxiety and panic episodes have also related to travel, and this remains an ongoing challenge for me. I really hear your distress, struggle and frustration.
Though I too feel that I'm working very hard to manage and shift my anxiety, to some extent I also need to acknowledge its presence and work with it, not just in spite of it. What I mean is that it is useful to take up activities and make plans that are outside our confidence/comfort zone when we have enough support and flexibility. Smaller plans first, building up from our successes. I too am prone to make plans that are too ambitious for my current level of confidence, and I know this because my anxiety becomes uncontrollable when I overreach. This is probably my hardest lesson at the moment - take many small, valuable steps in building your confidence. Don't rush to put on a successful dinner party (my goal) or embark on a tropical holiday (yours) before you can host morning tea or take a day trip to the next town. Yes, I too would like a miracle transformation of my anxiety response so that I can live in the way I imagine, but I'm slowly coming to accept that it will take lots of patient practice instead. A slow burn miracle!
Rest up, care for yourself as you regather your inner calm, and slowly build you inner strength toward your goals. The tropics will be there when you're ready.
