Anxiety, depression, CFS - time to share

[GD19]

Hello

Today I thought I would make the first step to talking about my pain. Some 20 years ago (i'm 53) I got ross river fever and then suffered from chronic fatigue for a couple years. After that, a new marriage, fantastic wife, good job, etc. I have suffered bouts of depression since then but seemed to manage or keep it under control. Life was good. So I thought. Then about 4 months ago I suffered my first ever severe panic anxiety attack brought on by work pressure. Being a fit person prior, it was one of the worst things I have experienced. My wife called the ambulance and guess what no physical issues. I laid in bed for 3 days thinking I was going to die. For two weeks I just slept, wept, and slept.

My doctor encouraged me to see a physiologist and I have been about 10 times. He has been great. Solved my work issue/pressures and I was travelling okay. Then, I started getting mood swings, the sweats, and now my depression has returned. I sleep all weekend just to recharge for Monday workday. You know its tiring just to sleep that much.

Having worked with my physiologist I think I now realize that I maybe riddled with guilt about my divorce and the affect on my son. He's 26 and now lives with us. It's like looking at a mirror with his mood swings, own depression and when he's down or angry I have an anxiety attack. I just want to fix it all for him but know I can't. This make me feel helpless or useless. He came to live with us in April so we could give him a chance to get his life together. What more can I do...I want to pay his debts but my wife says that is not helping him.

Everyone is doing their best to help me, I know that but it just feels like the pit is to high to climb out of. How do you step away from your child and let them fail..knowing you may have contributed to where they are now. My biggest fear is I will get chronic fatigue again as I know what it does to you. Only my family and very close friends know what I am going through..noone at work due to my position.

Anxiety is horrible...

GD

[Quercus]

Hi GD19 and welcome to the forums.

The first feeling I had reading your post was feeling overwhelmed. Your post reminded me of myself dealing with chronic pain and physical disability and toddlers and depression. My point... When so many issues pile on top of us it is so easy to just feel utterly overwhelmed. Where do I even start? Do I manage the physical or the mental or my family first? And then we fall in a heap (well I did anyway).

Where to begin? Booking a long consult with your doctor. Write out a list of your main problems. Even print out your post if you struggle to explain. Time for blunt honesty. They can't mind read so in order to get the help you need it is time to speak up as plainly as you can.

Same goes for family. If you commit to managing your own mental health and speaking about it openly maybe you'll be able to sit your son down and have a real talk. Even something as simple as "I'm going to the doctor because I have felt depressed and overwhelmed for a long timw and I don't want to feel like this anymore" might begin the conversation. Yes at 26 he is an adult... But you're his Dad too and will always be his role model for what it means to be a 'man'.

There is no shame in being depressed. Or anxious. You'd be surprised when you start talking about it how many people you know manage a mental illness.

And as for being scared of the fatigue returning... Yes I understand that completely. I am afraid my meds will stop working and I won't be able to walk properly again. Fear of the unknown is very hard to deal with. But for me... Managing my depression first with medication and ongoing therapy made that fear less overwhelming than it was. Before it made me panic... Now I can breathe and say ok these are catastrophic thoughts. You could also get hit by a bus tomorrow but that doesn't stop you walking outside. It sounds silly but at my worst everything combined in a way so I could not deal with anything rationally.

My point... There is hope. Please keep talking to us if you feel able to. There is a lot of support and empathy to be found here. And other men who when you read the powerful things they have to say you'll see that speaking up isn't remotely 'weak'. Welcome to the BB family GD19, I really hope you can start making yourself a priority.

Nat

[GD19]

Hi Nat

Thank you for your comments. Yesterday was a bad day for me. Despair was at its high. After I wrote the message I took a stand against it and went home to sleep. I had been to my doctor before and felt utterly drained. Felt no way out. The one thing I have done, is talk to my son. had no choice really. He was there when I had my attack and helped my wife. He's her stepson. I will admit he is a stronger person than me. Is able to kick back into gear way better than i do. We then sat and I helped him deal with a major matter of his life. Something I didnt think I was going to be able to do. I was so proud of myself.

Then last night I talked with my wife and she basically said whatever we need to do. She is behind me. The doctor also changed the way I take my meds yesterday and this morning was the first I have had without nausea since I can remember. Just feel like an old man now....

GD

[Quercus]

Hi GD,

Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you're doing, I appreciate it.

I understand writing it out in a bad place... I do that too. Write out my chaos to get it out of my head so I can sleep.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and I'm glad to hear the nausea has gone today. And you sound like your in a brighter place and have solid supports around you... All great things.

When you feel ok or stable you're still most welcome here ok. In fact a lot of others will benefit from reading how you're managing.

There is a section called staying well which has a lot of good discussions about managing mental illness have you read any of these?

Thanks for returning. It does feel good to hear more of the story especially when there are some positives to hear.

Nat