Anxiety Depression and Alcohol

[Tanzi]

I've been anxious and depressed since I was about 7, prior to that I thought I was great!

I came from an upper middle class family where my Dad was State Manager of this and that and Mum was a Mum. I was an only child for 10 years and then I got 2 sister within 18 months. Mum and Dad fought every night and Mum made me stick up for her against Dad. The rest is Psychiatrist material.

Anyway long story short I moved states at 21 and had no idea of who I was, luckily I made great friends and forged my way through but anorexia and bulimia crept in,

My family moved states for a new start  and I followed because I could feel I wasn't mentally right but unfortunately I wasn't as readily accepted and the fighting was still there, I stayed under sufferance and alcohol became my best friend and continued to be for about 20 years.

I had bad relationships that did nothing for my self esteem then about 10 years ago I met a wonderful man and married, too late to have children. I moved to Melbourne where he lived and we had a wonderful social life, life in general was great.

We decided to move back to where I was born to save money and thats when the horror began.

My depression and anxiety went out of control along with drinking (I was a heavy drinker for about 15 years) all the bad memories consumed me and he said we need to quit drinking. He did and stood by it and I have lived in a constant mess trying to quit, The longest time was 2 years and for no apparent reason after a trip to see my Family just drove to the bottle shop and drank in th car.

I have been to detox about 5 times.

My thinking is that I want my best friend (alcohol) around social times and holidays Xmas, Easter etc and I go into a big slump and find it hard to either be happy or abstain.

I detoxed in hospital about 3 weeks ago and  my Husband said this was my last chance, I had to go to rehab, I went for an interview and it was full of people very unlike me mainly men and I felt intimidated. My Husband agreed this place was not for me and I have to find my own alternative hence me writing to BB,

My Doctor sent me to a psychologist and all she has done is give me lots of sheets of paper about cognitive therapy and offered no real help. I am now waiting for an appointment to see a psychiatrist.

I hate it if we do go out when people say oh do you mind if I drink, or aren't you good I couldn't do it or even mention anything about alcohol at all.

I miss my crutch but I can't seem to have a couple it turns into a couple of weeks and then I get really sick.

I just want to feel normal I am on anti anxiety/depression tablets but it doesn't stop me from feeling abnormal.

I know it sounds self indulgent but I am fat with little confidence, have no sex drive and fun is fleeting.

Can anyone relate or have any ideas.

Thanks

Tanzi

[Neil_1]

Dear Tanzi

Oh yes oh yes, I can relate.  I do believe that there’s others on here (who may or may not be reading at the moment) who are also in this same boat as us – so you are definitely not on your own.

 It’s such a hard challenge to take on – because for me, it eases the stressors that are so prominent in my head – it’s an escape – it helps.  And hells bells, when we try so many different things during our time to try and quell our illness (doctors, psyches, medication, exercise, talking it over with someone, doing things to occupy ourselves, you name it, there’s a whole host of things that we try and yet, I KNOW there’s one thing that definitely works). 

And that thing is MY friend Jimmy Boags (he might be known as James Boags to a lot of people, but when you’ve had as much of it as I have, we are on much friendlier terms and he lets me call him Jim).   Ok, ok, it’s not always that particular brand, but I like to use that line (it’s a similar line that Al Pacino used when he played the character “Colonel Frank Slade” in Scent of a Woman and he termed Jack Daniels as John Daniels).  Excellent movie.

Prior to my journey into natural bodybuilding, I was putting beer away for the larger portion of many years.  And I so wanted to stop – it was incredibly difficult, nigh on impossible.  But then it was suggested to me that I should enter a comp and that I might do well – and with that, I had to go off the grog.  And so I did – for the first week or so, it was difficult, but after about two weeks my craving of it disappeared. 

 BUT the main thing here was that I had a major goal to work towards – a goal that meant something, so I had actual purpose and proper reason for going off. I’m having this year off doing any comps, but in the previous 5 years that I have competed, I have always commenced my AFD’s or DOG’s (Days Off Grog) in early May – and the days would really count up – right through to early to mid October, till after the competition season finishes. 

What’s amazing is, that once I then start back on it – even after ONE day (or as it is for me, evening and night) I find it incredibly difficult to go off it again – unless of course, I’ve got a goal – a purpose.

Now Tanzi, gee it rings true doesn’t it – you want to get someone talking, ask them a question (usually about themselves) and away they’ll go – like I just did there – so, um, sorry about that. 

Because hearing all that probably doesn’t help you one little bit.  I guess all I was meaning or the moral of the story was (in my case to go off the grog) to have a goal to aim towards. Now I’ve re-read your post, can I ask – are you off it at the moment?   You mentioned about going out and people asking you ‘drinking’ kinds of questions and also you mentioned about missing your crutch. 

I’m a little confused – and I’ve also heard that doctors are able to prescribe certain kinds of tablets that take away the craving to drink (alcohol).

I’m not sure if my post has helped out or not – and for once, I don’t think it was even overly funny either.  So that’s a double whammy or strike out for me!   Boooooo ….

Cheers

Neil

[Tanzi]

Thanks Niel

It's always good to know a persons back story. So Thanks.

I can detox and go straight to all day and night really, and hide it because I've been told by my Husband under no circumstances am I to put him through it again.

I want to be able to go out to dinner, have a couple and go home and I don't, I think it's a lot to do with guilt and my alcohol depression relieved brain says stuff it I feel good.

The really out of control days started about 4 years ago when Dad died very unexpectedly and I tried to move my Mother in coz she had no clue about looking after herself, so the drinking went wildly out of control and I ended up in hospital not really knowing who I was or where I was.

Moved Mum back to her home state and convinced my Husband I could handle it after councelling etc etc, which let to detox 2.

Then managed after being court again to try again. By now I was drinking and hiding it because nothing would make me feel better.

This last time while he  was away on business I had a series of medical tests in and out of hospital and needed my friend again. I must point out that I had 2 years off after the first couple of relapses.

I take the drugs that take away the craving again as I had done in the beginning of the 2 year stint, but this last relapse I took them and drank anyway so all I really got out of it was the detox when I tried to stop drinking.

I'm not drinking now and my Husband won't talk about itand says I need a hobby but I just don't know what I like doing.

I'm depressed and boring and pretend to everyone that I'm not and it's exhausting

AA is for god botherers so I'm about to start reading some stuff (not a big reader).

I can't make anyone believe I only drink because of depression and that little voice that says go for it nothing else works.

I'd love to feel undepressed and try again to see if I could control it but I think I'd lose my Husband in the process.

I feel stuck depressed and unhappy. I know it sounds selfish but I've never been selfish annd always look after everyone else. When it comes to me I don't know what to do. (talk about a ramble)

It just seems eating is a problem, drinking is a problem I'm stuck!

I'm waiting to get an appointment ith a psychiatrist coz psychologists and their cognitive therapy seem to fail to work.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Tanzi

No way in the world are you selfish – you’ve got an illness, which you’re suffering very badly from.  Someone who is suffering in this way and then has thoughts on how to possibly get themselves better or to think of ways that might mean for something more beneficial in your life, is a brilliant thing.  It is you taking some positive steps forward – trying to combat the illness – no way known is it being selfish.

I tell you though what is a problem – and you recognise this anyway – is you stating that eating is a problem and drinking is a problem.  To kind of major things that we need to do in order to live, to function – that’s two out of the Big Three that we all need.  The 3rd one is breathing, so I’m damn pleased to read that this wasn’t one of your issues.  🙂   Phew and let’s keep it that way, hey?   😉   😉

Wowee, I sure know exactly what you mean when you’ve said that you’re depressed, bored and have to pretend to everyone that you’re not and it’s exhausting.  I used to be like that but I am finding a lot more that I’m letting my guard down and saying it as it is.  For too many years I had the mask up and pretended – but it is exhausting and it just beats you down even more.  The pretending, the acting and then when you’re alone it’s like you just slide down the side of a gigantic mountain all the way to the bottom and bang, there you are again at the bottom of a big hole – with how you really are.  It took me a long time, a long time to start to lose my mask – and though I don’t have it all the time, it’s still there where I still do need to put it on from time to time, but not 100% of the time anymore.

Kind regards

Neil

[Tanzi]

Thanks Neil

You got it in one, it's when I am alone  with myself that I'm worse but find it really hard to be totally open with friends.

I'm happy to put in the long yards to get better but I would love to be able to drink socially to avoid embarrassment or attention, just to enjoy myself or to celebrate something, but the doctors have told me to realise I can't drink anymore and move on.

My liver at the high end of acceptable and I know it can repair itself but There is no way on gods green earth that my Husband will let me drink again and I wouldn't do it behind his back again.

Acceptance is what's hard for me because I have to eat healthy be healthy and I see others having a great time laughing eating having fun and I have to give up everything but I'll keep trying, and I have to try to wake up earlier coz I don't get up until lunch time and I know he's getting sick of that again.

I keep reading things about loving the life you live and you are where you are know because you are meant to be, but I feel like I've never been rotten enough to deserve the way I feel. Oops being self indulgent again.

Anyway I'll keep reading other peoples posts knowing I'm not  alone.

I appreciate your words Neil Thanks x

[geoff]

dear Tanzi, boy I can absolutely relate to your story, but I can't reply back to you just now, because so much of what you say rings a bell for me.

Can I just say now is that there's no point going to detox unless you want to stop drinking yourself.

My liver is b******ered as my gamma is over 1000 where it should 0-60, but also my anti-epileptic medication doesn't help either.

I do really want to respond to your post, so try and keep it on page 1. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi Tanzi

You’ve mentioned two things that triggered me to respond – the part about where you see others out and having a ‘great time, eating, laughing, having fun, etc’ and also you’ve been ‘reading things about loving the life you live and you are where you are because you are meant to be”.  

Both interesting points – but when I see others out and laughing, having fun, etc – I think well good on ‘em – that’s cool that they’re doing that – but I also think – I wonder how many of them who are sitting there are a little bit like me, in that, they’re sitting there, perhaps under false pretenses and have a massive mask on.  So yes, perhaps they’re there trying to do the ‘in thing with the crowd’ but all the while they’re battling this awful disease.  Especially for those in a larger group – because as we know the stats, that mental health issues are attached to 1 in 5 people – or something like that. 

But try not to beat yourself up about that – you’re doing what you feel that you’re able to do – no more, no less – and that’s something we with this illness need to try and drop – us comparing ourselves to others.  Comparisons – it’s a bad thing.

“Loving the life you live, etc” – well my ex many many years ago wrote me a message that said:  “We choose our lives that we live with every decision that we make” – or something like that – and it’s true really.  We create our life but just because we have created it, does not mean that we love what we’ve created. 

How do we change that?  How are we able to love the life that we lead?  I don’t think I know.  Sorry about that.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Tanzi, I am so pleased that my friend Neil has responded back to you, and as far as I am concerned your post is one that may involve so many people, and I'm not talking about the people on this site.

Maybe if I can give you my story which in fact may answer some of your questions along the way, or the queries that are frustrating yourself.

When I was clinically diagnosed with depression in '95, but it had been going on for much longer than this, my only mate was alcohol, because my 2 sons went to school and my wife ( ex ) went to work, so I would start drinking from the moment they all left, and really couldn't get them out the door as quick as possible.

But basically I was a cupboard drinker, because if any of the boys saw what I was drinking they would tip it out, as well as my wife complaining like hell, so I had to hide it, so yes I was called an alcoholic and accepted the fact that I was, however I was really depressed and it was my only relief, I wanted to feel numb, or nothing at all.

There was no sex life in our marriage for a number of years, purely because she was sleeping in another room, and didn't want to have sex with a drunk, point taken now.

After my attempt I was put into a private clinic in Melb., because work cover paid for it after an assault at work, which left me with a head injury, but while I was in there I signed the book to leave for 30 min. and I would go down to the bottle shop and buy some alcohol for someone else as well as for me, which was forbidden.

When I came out I went back to hiding it again, always changing the position, or I may have several hiding spots.

One Xmas I misbehaved in that I was well over the limit, but it was a Xmas party I never wanted to go to, so my wife told me to stop drinking or she would leave me, and that's when I started to take the special medication, which in turn made me sick.

I tried AA but every week the same old fellows would stand up and say 'I am an alcoholic, but haven't drunk for 25 years', and then they would tell the same old story every time, week in week out, so I stopped going.

A Neil has said that he could stop for a certain reason was exactly the same for me, because I may have had to drive home at night, so everyone would say to me 'don't you feel better', and the answer to that was NO, because of my depression I needed a release, something to rely on in my life.

When I was abstaining I could walk passed a bottle shop and not go in, and people could drink in front of me, it didn't bother me, and maybe this is my OCD kicking in.

To cut the story short now is that my wife divorced me, because of my alcohol, plus she could not help me any more with my depression, and the house sold etc. so now I live in a rented property by myself and my little dog.

I didn't want to purchase anything any more, because firstly I was tired of renovating every place we lived in, and secondly I was burnt out from doing these repairs.

Fortunately I can now drink only socially, nothing like before, because I don't want to, I don't need to, and if I drink too much I will a seizure, and that's not what I want.

There will some questions which I have not tackled, so please ask me as much as you want. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Hi Tanzi,

Thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes I think I am useless and weak because I can’t quite beat this “addiction”. Then I read a story like yours and I realise that it’s not that easy and even after many years and medication and hospitalizations you are still dealing with it. So maybe I shouldn’t beat myself up too much. Then at the same time it fills me with a sense of hopelessness that I may never beat it and I might be sharing a similar story in 20 years time.

When I first sought help from my GP for my depression, she said we needed to work on what was happening inside before we could really deal with the alcohol. Having said that it is hard to deal with one and not the other. As you know it’s a vicious cycle. 

I have started taking the anti craving medication just recently but I can’t say I’ve noticed a huge difference. My urge to drink seems more to do with filling the vast emptiness that I feel at times rather than a physical craving. Like Geoff I can switch it off easily when I have to. Like if I have to drive or not be drunk for some other reason. Also like Geoff and yourself I have become a secret drinker which is something I really hate, but I can’t drink the way I want to and need to in a social/public space. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the judgement.At least I suppose I am slowly making some progress and real self acknowledgment of my problem has probably been the toughest thing. I am working on my depression and other personality issues with the help of medication and a supportive psychologist, psychiatrist and GP. Meditation works for me and I am lucky to have a fantastic husband. Exercise is a big thing for me and I am bordering on the obsessive with it. But I guess it’s a healthier obsession than drinking.

Not sure I’ve offered any useful words here. Just support and empathy for you and your journey.Take care, Mary

[fuschia]

Hi Tanzi,

I have felt an instant connection to you reading this because you are the first female I have come across with such a similar situation to myself.

ps the girl that your watching eating out, drinking wine, laughing and having a great time.....is me. I look and feel fantastic don't I!!??

Only you don't see me what I'm like in an hours time when I have binged drunk so much I'm slurring my words, falling over, talking crap, and partaking in the most dangerous and outrageous things that a young lady in her 30's who's engaged and a mother SHOULD NOT be taking part in.