Anxiety and new kitten

[KeshiaB]

Hi all, I have a 12.5 week old kitten and one of the issues I'm facing is that he has to spend 10 hours a day alone whilst me and my partner are at work. On top of this my partner does not want him sleeping with us at night. Essentially he's alone 10 hours a day and then shut out of our room for 8 hours a night. This has got me feeling REALLY guilty and anxious as it's a long time for any creature to be left alone. I'm so worked up that I've had to miss work for the last 2 days as I started having panic attacks 😞 I saw my GP yesterday, he was little help and just told me to go back to the psychologist that I've been seeing for a few years. I can't see her until next Friday.

Getting another kitten isn't really an option at the moment (due to cost and the fact that we are going overseas in March) so I'm trying to do all I can to keep him happy. I've left a radio going, food and 2 bowls of water, lots of toys, a cat tree with scratching posts and platforms, the A/C going so he doesn't get hot and he also has a couple of options for beds. Despite all this I'm still incredibly nervous about him being a happy, healthy and well adjusted kitten. On top of all this he's scratched up our vinyl dining room chair so we've had to take them out of the room. I'm planning to pick up a second scratching post, some anti-scratch spray and also catnip spray for the post today. Will this help? I'm also going to get him a nice soft cuddly toy for him to cuddle up to. We've only had him 5 days and I feel silly for feeling this way but I don't know what else to do!

I'm sitting at work right now shaking and feeling really on edge. I feel like I could burst into tears any second. I'm almost feeling like I've made a big mistake adopting a kitten and keep doubting myself and my ability to give him all the love and care he needs 😞 Am I being silly in feeling this way and letting it eat away at me?

[KeshiaB]

Croix said:

I don't think you list any other events in your life that are causing you grief (have I missed any)?

There aren't any other events in my life causing me grief, except maybe some additional responsibilities at work due to recent redundancies. Other than that, I'm getting married this year, I'm about to go see my family in NZ after not seeing them for almost a year, we're planning a honeymoon in Japan and saving for a house, and overall I'm in a really good place in my life.

I only have a small handful of friends here, most of whom have their own families to think about, they aren't exactly available for me to vent to regularly. It's just me and my fiance, both of our families live back in NZ.

Starwolf: My heart goes out to you both. A difficult decision but once made...watch your stress levels plummet !

Is giving him up really the only solution? What about all these other full time workers that successfully keep pets, even single pets? How do they do it?

[Starwolf]

It is true that some pets, depending on breed, age and temperament can be left to their own device without showing signs of stress. Those are a minority, usually less spirited compared to the original, un-tampered with root stock. Selective breeding has been intent on producing those surrogates for stuffed toys, dolls etc...to satisfy the demand for pets that can be squeezed in our ever busier lifestyle.

Dogs can be taken for long walks to keep down their natural energy levels. They can join in quite a few human activities. They can be trained, due to their willingness to please and fit in within a pack (or human family). Cats are a different story, their association with people is more recent. Once adults, they are generally less cooperative than your average dog. They're more intent on pleasing themselves. The wild animal in them is lurking closer to the surface. Though -if you can afford the newly created cat breeds- selective breeding has been doing its thing there too.

The general consensus is that animals need activity, companionship and stimulation to remain stable.

Shelters are bursting with cats and dogs that have become too difficult for their ex owners to handle. Mostly because they didn't fit in with their lifestyle and were acquired with unrealistic expectations.Thousands are euthanized daily. So the "reject" rate is way higher than successful outcome.

Anyway, it is obvious that you are in distress because this kitten is putting more demands on you than you can happily cope with. So I thought I would share a bit of a professional perspective with you. I am also concerned about what is likely to happen when this kitten grows into a bored adult. The situation has not improved in spite of persistence. But your stress levels are understandably escalating and beginning to invade other areas of your life.

I am not here to tell you what to do. Just to share what I know and reveal an alternative for you to consider.

[Croix]

Dear KeshiaB~

Thanks for coming back, I know it is heart breaking situation.

I'd like to say two things, the first in direct agreement with Starwolf, who is an expert in her field.

Both my wife and I love German Shepherds, and have had a whole string of them over the years. Every time we had a new puppy one of us was not in work and was able to devote an awful lot of time every day to the new puppy's welfare and attention. They were house dogs and we did an awful lot of cleaning up too:)

The last one, Mitzi, died a over a year ago and we have not obtained another, even though we would love to, until once again one of us is home to care for it and help it grow into a trained happy companion. Even then we will have to be careful about us both being out at work all day (we do have the little Zeppelin dog for company).

I know, dogs are not cats, however Starwolf has pointed out both their needs.

Secondly, from your distress I repeat that you sound so similar to me when I was in a bad place that I suspect your treatments need review.

I'm sorry I do not have a workable solution for you, I do think you need to look after yourself more. Trying to be full-time care and work is not really on, is it?

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Keshia

Hello and welcome. I am so glad you came here and talked to us. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and I can see how stressed you are feeling from what you have written. When we have one stress in our lives it is usually easy to cope but you have several, probably not huge individually but together making a mountain.

We are not here to tell you what to do, instead we can help you look at the whole picture. Having a very young kitten is a bit like having a baby, except that the kitten is more mobile and often more destructive than a baby, at least for the first few months. As you both go out to work there is no one to 'mind the kitten' and like all young animals it wants company and distractions. Also like babies they are intensely curious.

You tell us you are getting married soon. That is wonderful. How are the preparations going? I remember my two daughters getting married. Eldest daughter got married at our home, the other came to my home to get dressed etc before leaving for the wedding venue. I went shopping with both girls to buy that important wedding dress plus accessories and it was exhausting. How is it going for you? Do you have someone to help with the wedding preparations? I suspect it is part of your anxiety.

And you are going overseas on holiday in March. Not long now. I was born in the UK and came to Oz in 1970. Wouldn't return for the world as I now call Australia home. It seems odd that organising a holiday can be stressful but that is so often the case. How long will you be away? What will happen to the kitten in your absence? Going overseas involves passports and visas, flight bookings, accommodation and a change of currency.

And you have added responsibilities at work. Very flattering but definitely more stress. I decided I wanted a dog as I have never had a home without a dog in it. Growing up we had grandma's dog when she and granddad passed away. I really love greyhounds and decided to take one that had been a racing greyhound. My home was vetted for suitability and found OK. The dog arrived and he was gorgeous. I worried myself sick about him all night and I felt my panic attacks returning. Could I provide a good home, take him for walks, make sure he was safe when I needed to go out. By the next morning I decided to return him. Yes I felt bad but for me it was best and ultimately it was best for the dog. Didn't stop me crying buckets.

Consider how best to care for both yourself and the kitten.

Mary

[Nervybella]

Hi Keshia

I am an animal lover myself so I understand how hard this decision will be for you. I would like to share a story with you...

Mid last year my family and I moved house. We had two dogs and one cat. One dog was very old (on her last legs to be honest)so we just wanted t make her comfortable in her last few months, the other a well adjusted, happy as long as she is with her humans type. My cat, Milli, came from a shelter as a kitten and was always a bit skittish and scared of people. Lucky for me she liked me.

We moved into a rental house and were not supposed to have pets but the agents made an exception as it was a short term lease. I did some research on how to help my animals adapt and after reading decided to keep Milli in the laundry for a day or two until all our furniture and smells were in the house (our vet also said this was a great idea). But it broke my heart having her locked in there while we were all moving around. I knew it wasn't fair on her...so I let her out and I kid you not she had turned absolutely feral. Like a wild cat. She instantly clawed her way up the curtains, attacked the carpet, chewed skirting boards...you can imagine how much stress this caused us because it isn't even our house! We didn't want to loose the bond.

so my family and I sat down (my cats behaviour continued like this for almost 3 days) and had a vet difficult decision to make. What's in the best interest of Milli? We rang the vet and asked their advice, which was to consider rehoming her or asking the people who moved into our old house if they would take her back (they thought it was territorial issues).

I cried and cried but we decided that it wasn't fair to keep her, we could no longer provide the life (or stability, we were moving house agin in another 10 months) that she obviously needed. So we rang the local shelter and they took her in. A few weeks later we rang to see what happened to her and they said a family that lived on a farm took her to keep the mice at bay.

I felt like I had deserted her but I know in the long run it was best for her...and us!

Good luck with whatever you decide and please keep us posted

Bella x

[KeshiaB]

I've spoked with my therapist, she thinks the kitten has been a catalyst on top of many other stresses in my life right now (redundancies at work, added pressure at work, family drama, wedding planning). I'm trying to weigh up the pros and cons here, this is what I've come up with...

Pros of keeping him:
Safe clean home
Necessary care (quality food, clean litter, fresh water, cosy beds, scratching posts, various rotated toys, music, familiarscents from old clothing, soft toys to cuddle up to)
Morning/evening play time
Birds to watch out the window
Eventually time outside on a harness
All day/most of day company on weekends
Gets run of the whole house until we go to bed
Is loved and cared about

Cons of keeping him:
No human or kitty company from 8AM-6PM during weekdays
Has to sleep in living room or spare bedroom at night
We've had to replace our vinyl padded dining chairs as he's scratched them up
Has to go into a cattery for 2 weeks at the start of March

Pros of rehoming:
He'll probably have the same things in the pros list above
He *may* find a home with owners that are home a lot more, or let him sleep in their bed, or have another kitten for company
He *may* have more kitten and/or human company in foster care

Cons of rehoming:
He will have to go back into (likely unfamiliar) foster care, and there's no determining how long this will be for (he was advertised for a month before we got him)
He *may* still be alone during the day and/or night in foster care

[Croix]

Dear KeshiaB~

That's a very logical set of factors.

You have not included yourself in the pros & cons

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Keshia

That's some good thinking you have written. As Croix says, where are you in all this. Yes, I think the kitten has triggered all the other 'stuff' in your life. Can you write a list of pros and cons about you, keeping the kitten and returning it to foster home. I will add, a foster home is usually good for pets otherwise the people would not be foster parents. It's going to be a hard choice either way.

Mary

[Nervybella]

Hi Keshia,

Just thought I would check in. I've been thinking about you and your little kitten. Hope all is well, have you made a decision to keep him?

Dont mean to be intrusive, just Carib and supportive 🙂

Bella

[Yana8216]

Hello Keshia!

I love how caring you are about your new pet. I love animals too, and reading your 'pros of keeping him' I think he's gonna be just fine. At such a young age he is still learning about the world and is very adaptable. He will grow accustomed to your routines. In my opinion you've incorporated a healthy amount of entertainment and contact into his days and he is sure to be a contented kitty!

Every cat owner I have spoken to has had some damage to furniture from their pet, it seems to be a normal part of cat ownership! Your solutions sound good.

In my humble opinion animals are very special & precious, but humans are more important. You are providing for all your kitten's needs, so I feel you can relax and enjoy his company 🙂

And BTW, when we first got our dog she was going to be strictly an outside dog - but we fell in love with her and gradually gave her more freedom - after a year she had the run of the house!! It's a little extra vacuuming but so worth it 🙂 We have owned her for about 8 years. We both work full time, so she is alone 10 hours a day approx but seems happy to snooze the hours away.

The reality is there are so many cats out there that don't have a home and end up getting put down that I wouldn't stress too much about whether your kitten is satisfied in every way - I'm sure if you asked him he'd choose 'slightly less than perfect life' as opposed to 'put to sleep' needle.

Love him, enjoy him, try not to worry (easier said than done, trust me I know!!)

Warm regards, Yana.