Anxiety and fear of my everyday life (drug use)

[bubbleman]

Hi guys,

My name is Nick and i wanted to share my experience with anxiety thus far as a result of drug usage.

I've always been pretty easy going and a little bit anxious when I think about it. Early in february 2018 I went to a two day music festival where I had four capsules of mdma over the two days (two each day) after this I went into O-week at my college where I drunk myself silly everyday and had very little sleep. One night i had this incredibly vivid dream and suddenly questioned everything. i didn't feel like myself and I was so out of touch with reality that I went to the hospital at 5 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and stayed there till about 8 in the morning where someone finally told me to go home and I wasn't psychotic (which I was sure I was).

I eventually saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with anxiety and it made a lot of sense. She gave me some CBT techniques to calm me down at night and it really worked It felt like I was my old self again. I could drink and have fun with friends without worrying about everything that's going on around me.

Having learnt nothing clearly I started using MD again and was spacing it out decently and was having fun but towards the end of the year it got pretty frequent and then lead to the night that felt like everything changed. it was around the 15th of December 2018 when I was extremely drunk and took a random pill from a random guy on the dance floor. I didn't really care about what it was I just went for it, I didn't really feel it's affects and I didn't really think at the time that it kicked in. However I woke that morning in absolute fear, my body felt weird and everything I saw felt weird. I immediately went to wake my friends up because of how I was feeling but i didn't tell them. It's been a bit of a shit-show between then and now (1/2/19). I have this constant battle with my mind that everything isn't real and my brain can't really process information like it used to. I have constant thoughts that I really messed up this time and there's nothing that will heal me. I went back to the psychologist who said it was obviously the same thing but i'm not too sure about it this time. I feel really spaced out and not like myself at all. Like i'm in a hole I can't get out of.

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed i'm afraid i've lost my old life and can't enjoy it anymore because i'm worried that any second now i'll go crazy and be hospitalised.

any thoughts? I just don't knowanymore

[Marcus_33]

Hey Nick,

Thanks for sharing your story mate, sorry to hear that you are having a challenging time working through this.

I can relate to your story as I have been somewhere similar my self. A few years ago I went down the coast with some friends for a long weekend where we partied and did a lot of the things you're talking about above, and also the aftermath was one of feeling like I was spaced out and wasn't sure if I messed up for good this time and it would have lasting effects.

What brought me back was doing the things that made my life real. Spending time with your good friends, family, exercising/playing sports that you've always played, doing hobbies that you've always enjoyed, listening to familiar music that you associate with good times and the things that make up your regular day-to-day life and not obsessing about figuring it all out and having things click back into place as they were before. It might feel weird and challenging at first to do so, but I would recommend talking openly with those who are close to you and that you trust about your experiences, only if you are comfortable doing so outside of your therapy.

I think you'd also benefit from continuing to meditate, reading about CBT and exposure therapy which will also help with the anxiety.

This is just what I believe based off my experience of mine I thought was similar, and I think that regular visits to your psychologist would be the most helpful thing for you mate.

Best of luck.

[bubbleman]

Also today I had this shocking feeling where I felt like I suddenly didn’t know who I was and questioned every situation I was in.

like a stranger in my own body and it’s kind of continued for a little while. It’s like I know who I am but for some strange reason I question everything I hear and relive the current moment again and again.

does anyone know what is going on/ how can I overcome it? It’s really disorientating and hard to come to terms with

[bubbleman]

Thanks Marcus I think you’re right. It’s been such a weird period and when I look at it rationally my thoughts set me up for failure.

I can see pretty clearly now that it’s my negative thinking that’s causing a lot of my problems. I think I need better strategies to deal with them because too be honest I’m not sure I remember enough of cbt to make it have an effect

[Marcus_33]

Hey mate,

That's a great way of putting it, "it's a weird period" and not something that you need to worry too much about. My advice would be to get back to basics and do what you know and don't put too much focus on trying to feel "normal" again. If you can try to spend your time and energy on doing what you feel is best for you and important for your life, and not be too harsh on yourself in the process, then that's all you can ask of yourself.

You can google or YouTube some great content for meditation, CBT, and ERP. And just keep trying mate, you don't need to remember it all at once.

https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations - I have personally used some of the guided meditations from Kristen Neff, who has great content on self-compassion that I think might be really useful to you.

[Rocket_Man]

Bubbleman,

Great to read of your awareness of the correlation between your own negative thoughts and what you're experiencing. It might not sound like much, but this awareness is a step towards getting yourself into a better space, so congratulations !

A tool thats been invaluable for me is writing. Our thoughts hold emotional charges, either positive or negative depending on what we think. So its important to get the negative ones out of your head and body, to adjust your emotional state. Working on your emotional state first, gives you improved clarity of thought to work on the rest of the things you are not happy with in your life. When I write for this purpose, i just open a word document and let whatever thoughts come to my head hit the page, i dont care about it making sense, i dont care about typos, grammar, whatever. just everything out of my head, until it feels better.

Ideally after this I try some meditation.

If that works for you let me know and i can send more strategies.

Best wishes,

[bubbleman]

One more thing i'd like to add. Recently it's felt like my vision is super good. Like my brain picks up every detail in super high definition. I swear everything didn't used to look like this and its super unsettling. I'm really not sure how to overcome this and I also don't know if it's all just in my head but I can't seem to find an explanation for it.

This is definitely the weirdest part about all this and I try really hard to ignore it but it's my vision and i can't really ignore it ahah. It really makes no sense at all and it really makes me question.

I feel stupid even writing this because I know how dumb it sounds but i just can't shake it.

Please let me know if anything causes this or if i'm just being crazy.

thankyou

[Marcus_33]

Not crazy at all Nick.

I could be wrong, but that sounds like you're just being hyper-vigilant about your surroundings, which is just another symptom of anxiety. When your body/brain feels as if you're in danger your senses will become heightened as your body kicks in to "survival" mode because you don't feel comfortable. There's some helpful information in the below article.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/transcending-the-past/201811/facing-the-tiger-welcoming-anxiety-s-fierce-wisdom

Hope this helps.

[bubbleman]

I don’t think I see like this all the time. There’s definite periods where if I’m relaxing it goes away but if Im in a place of high anxiety or social situations I get really abnormally sharp vision and heaps of tension in my temples.

it scared me at first and I’m trying to adjust to it. Will it go away in time do you think?

[Marcus_33]

It's something I'd say might be best to talk to your therapist about, but what I'd say that sounds like to me is that your body goes into "high alert" mode when you're experiencing bouts of anxiety.

What has worked for me when dealing with anxious moments is remembering to meditate regularly, learning to breathe deeply, being mindful of your thoughts and reading about CBT which should help manage your anxiety better and especially when you're in high-stress situations. I believe anxiety can be managed, it's just going to be about finding management techniques and not being too rough on yourself through this period.